Aeon Flux (2005)
Before I tear this movie to shreds, hopefully I’m spelling the title correctly. I have to go to imdb to get all the names of these losers but the title they have for this movie is like the letter A blended with the letter E. So it could be Eon Flux for all I know but at this point I really don’t care. Aeon or Eon this movie was pure garbage, and I really just wanna get it over with before I have a psychotic episode!
I’d heard about this movie in the past, but never planned on watching it cause to me it just look like a regular action flick. But I caught it on Netflix and figured, it wouldn’t hurt to atleast acknowledge it. I thought it was a regular action chick movie, but sadly I was disappointed. I’ll admit the box art for this film was pretty cool looking, but my senses told me that this was one of those movies that had a cool box art but the film itself was crap, and turns out I was right! Before watching this movie, I kept telling myself “There’s no way this movie is as good as I think it is” lol.
I wanted to reveal this later on, but I mind as well reveal it now since it deals with the opening scene; The first thing I noticed about the credits for this film was that it was created by “MTV Films” So I figured, since MTV made this movie, that it was somewhat made by Americans. But truthfully there’s nothing American about this movie at all, and I don’t even know what state it takes place in, or what country. There’s no Asians in the film but I know they like to film movies like this with that cartoonish-clay theme with all those bright colors and stuff, and that’s kinda what this movie looks like.
So anyway, the first 10 minutes of this movie pretty much did it for me. Aeon Flux is played by this woman named Charlize Theron, who I think is a pretty decent actress. My only problem is her acting in this film couldn’t have been more stale! I have no clue what’s going on in the first 10 minutes of this movie, and her monotone voice doesn’t help at all! We basically see her walking around this big city, talking to people, fighting a few people. It’s obvious she know karate and such but it would’ve been nice to get a little back-story as to who taught her and what the heck her goal is, but sadly that isn’t really explained.
So she basically just walks around town beating people up for no apparent reason at all! The pacing is another problem, as the movie goes from scene to scene so quickly, again without explaining what the goal is. Eventually she gets into a fight with this woman in a library somewhere. They fight near the bookshelves here and throw each other around, books flying off the shelves, etc. Another thing I hate about this movie, are the stupid camera cuts! And it’s not something I usually look at but when people do it wrong, it definitely stands out! For example, they’ll be fighting and one of the girls will get thrown into the wall and to the floor.
But before she hits the floor, the camera cuts about 3-4 times before she hits the ground, and it’s annoying as hell! The guy who edited this movie must’ve had a field day just clicking buttons when they were putting this film together! Eventually we find out Aeon was sent to kill this guy named Trevor, but throughout the rest of the film they end up teaming up for no apparent reason. We even find out they were married at one point, oh please gimme a break! The guy who wrote this movie must’ve been high off some new drug, I swear, it’s that ridiculous! Kinda reminds me of a crappier version of Ultraviolet, and if you’ve ever seen that movie, their basically the same thing; same setting, same dull acting, same cartoonish Anime-style setting, same story that goes absolutely nowhere and makes you wanna yank your hair out!
I’d heard about this movie in the past, but never planned on watching it cause to me it just look like a regular action flick. But I caught it on Netflix and figured, it wouldn’t hurt to atleast acknowledge it. I thought it was a regular action chick movie, but sadly I was disappointed. I’ll admit the box art for this film was pretty cool looking, but my senses told me that this was one of those movies that had a cool box art but the film itself was crap, and turns out I was right! Before watching this movie, I kept telling myself “There’s no way this movie is as good as I think it is” lol.
I wanted to reveal this later on, but I mind as well reveal it now since it deals with the opening scene; The first thing I noticed about the credits for this film was that it was created by “MTV Films” So I figured, since MTV made this movie, that it was somewhat made by Americans. But truthfully there’s nothing American about this movie at all, and I don’t even know what state it takes place in, or what country. There’s no Asians in the film but I know they like to film movies like this with that cartoonish-clay theme with all those bright colors and stuff, and that’s kinda what this movie looks like.
So anyway, the first 10 minutes of this movie pretty much did it for me. Aeon Flux is played by this woman named Charlize Theron, who I think is a pretty decent actress. My only problem is her acting in this film couldn’t have been more stale! I have no clue what’s going on in the first 10 minutes of this movie, and her monotone voice doesn’t help at all! We basically see her walking around this big city, talking to people, fighting a few people. It’s obvious she know karate and such but it would’ve been nice to get a little back-story as to who taught her and what the heck her goal is, but sadly that isn’t really explained.
So she basically just walks around town beating people up for no apparent reason at all! The pacing is another problem, as the movie goes from scene to scene so quickly, again without explaining what the goal is. Eventually she gets into a fight with this woman in a library somewhere. They fight near the bookshelves here and throw each other around, books flying off the shelves, etc. Another thing I hate about this movie, are the stupid camera cuts! And it’s not something I usually look at but when people do it wrong, it definitely stands out! For example, they’ll be fighting and one of the girls will get thrown into the wall and to the floor.
But before she hits the floor, the camera cuts about 3-4 times before she hits the ground, and it’s annoying as hell! The guy who edited this movie must’ve had a field day just clicking buttons when they were putting this film together! Eventually we find out Aeon was sent to kill this guy named Trevor, but throughout the rest of the film they end up teaming up for no apparent reason. We even find out they were married at one point, oh please gimme a break! The guy who wrote this movie must’ve been high off some new drug, I swear, it’s that ridiculous! Kinda reminds me of a crappier version of Ultraviolet, and if you’ve ever seen that movie, their basically the same thing; same setting, same dull acting, same cartoonish Anime-style setting, same story that goes absolutely nowhere and makes you wanna yank your hair out!
Doom (2005)
I heard alot about this film up until this point, and alot of what I heard was pretty negative. The main gripe people had with this film was that it didn’t follow the games, but I wouldn’t know cause I never played em. I grew up with alot of video games and still play some occasionally, but never touched any of these games. I know it’s a first person shooter, but the main games that stick out in that genre are the crappy Call of Duty games, and Killzone. Appearance wise, I like Killzone more but I’ll admit, Call of Duty is easier to play. But don’t confuse the term “easier to play” with me buying the game and becoming a fan, cause that’s not happening anytime soon.
Sometimes my mother will randomly bring home movies she bought from some cheap thrift store, and she brought this home one day. The version we have is the unrated version, and as much as I love movies, I still don’t know what the heck that means. Sometimes when I catch trailers on tv, they’ll say “This film has not yet been rated” and I always thought they were referring to the info box at the bottom; involves violence, language, etc. Either that or the person that made this movie didn’t care about giving it a rating cause it was that bad, so let’s get into why;
I knew The Rock was in it, so that’s a plus since he’s one of my favorite wrestlers. But that’s about it, cause the rest of the cast is pretty forgetful. 10 minutes into the film and I don’t even know what the heck is going on. Alot of the beginning reminds me of Resident Evil, since they both take place in high-tech facilities and 20 minutes in, you still don’t have the slightest clue what the heck is going on. There’s alot of talking and walking around, but that’s it, nothing important. There’s this one guy named Grimm who makes the weirdest and funniest expressions ever when he’s angry, and this other guy named Duke who keeps trying to hit on Samantha (science chick who knows everything about the zombies) but he just comes off looking foolish.
Even Rock (who’s a pretty decent actor) makes some weird expressions in a few scenes. He even yells differently too. Reminds me of Stallone in Judge Dredd, cause to me, it’s not that their bad actors, it’s more that they wanted the paycheck but knew the movie was crap and didn’t wanna tell the director. So regardless of how good of an actor they are, inside they really just want the movie over with. So yea, alot of the characters are pretty bland and you’d rather watch paint dry than listen to them talk. Eventually they find out zombies are loose (something like that) so they all split up and search through the facility. Rock and this one guy stumble upon a monkey up in the air vent near the ceiling, which is completely random but, it makes sense in crappy movies like this.
They later reach the sewer and this is where the film literally goes pitch black. It’s one thing to try and stir tension, but it’s another when the audience can’t see a darn thing the actors are doing! I’m surprised they didn’t bring night-vision goggles with them. Back in the lab, we see Duke and Sam talking about who cares what. But all of a sudden a zombie comes to life in the room next to them through the window. He doesn’t even try to attack them, just bangs his head against the window about 10 times until he bleeds to death lol. I’m surprised nobody choked when they read that in the script and actually decided to film it.
The only good scenes in the film are the gooey transportation scenes, and the whole first person mode scene. I actually wouldn’t have minded if the entire movie was in first person, like a giant video game movie. The last fight between Rock and Grimm is pretty lame, cause the lights are still off and you can’t see squat. They don’t even attempt to end the film on a high note, and it’s pretty sad. Overall I hate the movie for what it is, and you don’t even need to be a Doom fan to hate it; the acting is bad, the zombies suck, there’s a monkey that comes outta nowhere. It’s one of those bad movies that’s so bad, it even makes you giggle when you think people involved didn’t wanna strangle the director, cause somebody else should’ve made this movie.
Sometimes my mother will randomly bring home movies she bought from some cheap thrift store, and she brought this home one day. The version we have is the unrated version, and as much as I love movies, I still don’t know what the heck that means. Sometimes when I catch trailers on tv, they’ll say “This film has not yet been rated” and I always thought they were referring to the info box at the bottom; involves violence, language, etc. Either that or the person that made this movie didn’t care about giving it a rating cause it was that bad, so let’s get into why;
I knew The Rock was in it, so that’s a plus since he’s one of my favorite wrestlers. But that’s about it, cause the rest of the cast is pretty forgetful. 10 minutes into the film and I don’t even know what the heck is going on. Alot of the beginning reminds me of Resident Evil, since they both take place in high-tech facilities and 20 minutes in, you still don’t have the slightest clue what the heck is going on. There’s alot of talking and walking around, but that’s it, nothing important. There’s this one guy named Grimm who makes the weirdest and funniest expressions ever when he’s angry, and this other guy named Duke who keeps trying to hit on Samantha (science chick who knows everything about the zombies) but he just comes off looking foolish.
Even Rock (who’s a pretty decent actor) makes some weird expressions in a few scenes. He even yells differently too. Reminds me of Stallone in Judge Dredd, cause to me, it’s not that their bad actors, it’s more that they wanted the paycheck but knew the movie was crap and didn’t wanna tell the director. So regardless of how good of an actor they are, inside they really just want the movie over with. So yea, alot of the characters are pretty bland and you’d rather watch paint dry than listen to them talk. Eventually they find out zombies are loose (something like that) so they all split up and search through the facility. Rock and this one guy stumble upon a monkey up in the air vent near the ceiling, which is completely random but, it makes sense in crappy movies like this.
They later reach the sewer and this is where the film literally goes pitch black. It’s one thing to try and stir tension, but it’s another when the audience can’t see a darn thing the actors are doing! I’m surprised they didn’t bring night-vision goggles with them. Back in the lab, we see Duke and Sam talking about who cares what. But all of a sudden a zombie comes to life in the room next to them through the window. He doesn’t even try to attack them, just bangs his head against the window about 10 times until he bleeds to death lol. I’m surprised nobody choked when they read that in the script and actually decided to film it.
The only good scenes in the film are the gooey transportation scenes, and the whole first person mode scene. I actually wouldn’t have minded if the entire movie was in first person, like a giant video game movie. The last fight between Rock and Grimm is pretty lame, cause the lights are still off and you can’t see squat. They don’t even attempt to end the film on a high note, and it’s pretty sad. Overall I hate the movie for what it is, and you don’t even need to be a Doom fan to hate it; the acting is bad, the zombies suck, there’s a monkey that comes outta nowhere. It’s one of those bad movies that’s so bad, it even makes you giggle when you think people involved didn’t wanna strangle the director, cause somebody else should’ve made this movie.
Elektra (2005)
I’d always heard this was a bad movie on the internet, but never knew why. Before seeing this movie, I’d always seen photos of Jennifer Garner on the net in that hot red outfit, and thought this would be atleast a half-decent movie, but it wasn’t lol. Not even 2 minutes into the film, I already have no clue what’s going on. There’s 2 guys in this scene, who’s names I do not know, but one of them looks like he’s the boss. Their both talking about something, and then all of a sudden we see these ninjas storming the house!
As you know by now, I hate it when movies start this quickly! You haven’t established any characters, so there’s no sympathy lol. Most of the beginning of this movie involves Elektra walking around aimlessly with no real goal or reason. Their on some island but I don’t know where, and I don’t even think it’s mentioned. They probably filmed it on an island cause nobody wanted a bad movie like this in the states cause it’d cause a riot lol. This film is loaded with cheesy scenes, and lame dialogue that was written by a 12 year old!
Alot of the beginning involves her walking around aimlessly, reflecting on her past. We see scenes of her when she was a little girl, getting bossed around by her father. But it just doesn’t work cause we still don’t care enough about her character to have any sympathy! I actually saw (and remember bits and pieces) Daredevil, and she was pretty decent in that film, even though she was standing next to Ben Affleck’s ugly face! She was decent then, but in this film she just tossed out all her acting ability and traded it all in for a bunch of lame, mono-tone dialogue and half the time we can’t even understand what she’s saying.
Eventually she runs into this little girl named Abbey, who we see sneaking into her house from time to time. Out of all the characters in this film, she’s probably the only decent actor in the movie, she’s even better than her boring father! She too says alot of cheesy stuff but trust me, it’s not as lame as the older actors in this film. So anyway, Elektra asks her why she’s been sneaking into her house, and I forget what she says but, it was probably a cheesy response anyway. But I mean, if your some so-called Ninja, tell her if you catch her sneaking in your house again you’ll kick her butt!
Pretty soon Elektra meets the little girls father, and the scenes between the 2 of them is just awkward as hell lol. Elektra still talks in a monotone and just acts weird around him, and he doesn’t even flirt with her. But the scenes between both of them are so awkward! Randomly a bunch of Ninjas show up at his house, and randomly he wants to walk outside (how convenient) So he walks outside and walks to the edge of the porch, when Electra shows up on the front porch next to him lol. I mean, I don’t understand why the ninjas didn’t spot her but, whatever. So she tells him to go back inside.
She then walks to the edge of the porch, and randomly throws a knife towards the ceiling, hitting the ninja up top through the ceiling. It’s so random and goofy lol. She then gets into a fight with another Ninja inside, and this scene is pretty lame too, and I don’t even remember what happens but she kills him too. She then says “There’ll be more coming, what’s coming next will be worse” lol. I swear, this movie was written by a child! While all this is going on, we get a bunch of pointless scenes of all these Asian people sitting around a table talking about who knows what.
There’s also this other Asian group; one Asian guy who’s name I don’t care to know, 4 other men and some chick who looks like J-Wow from Jersey Shore. This movie probably inspired that show, cause their both a joke! There’s also this old guy named Stick, according to imdb that is. They probably gave him the name cause he carries a stick around, I don’t know, it’s lame though. But I recognize this guy from 2 other movies that were way better than this one; Yes Man and Adjustment Bureau, which was actually a pretty beautiful movie. I’m not even into romance films but that one is one of my favorites.
So anyway, he and his men are after Elektra for some reason. They find her later on and chase her through the woods. This big black guy appears in this scene, so I’m thinking he’s gonna do some damage but sadly that’s not the case. Elektra makes a tree fall on him and when it crushes him into the ground, he turns into this yellow looking fairy dust, I don’t know. J-wow also pops up in this scene and plants a kiss on Elektra for some random reason, and the two of them become surrounded by this huge cloud of dust and leaves and it just looks silly as hell. The guy who wrote this movie must’ve been high on some new drug when he wrote this scene.
Eventually Elektra changes into this hot red outfit and walks around the house a bit. I swear, alot of my hate for this film goes out the window when I see this scene, her body is so hot! But then she gets into a fight with the Asian dude from earlier and all my hate for this movie comes back lol. They fight in this big room, and the fight scene isn’t even half-decent. There’s lots of jumping and spinning around, and you can’t even see what’s going on cause these stupid white curtain blonds get in the way. I swear, the room is like 50 feet wide but as they fight, all they do is block our view of whatever the heck is going on, it’s annoying as hell!
While all this goes on, we see Abby in the woods running around, I don’t know what she’s doing. Probably looking for an Easter egg, who the hell cares. But J-wow pops up in this scene and says something very cheesy, I can’t remember. But she blows this smoke in her face and Abby’s face turns to stone or something, and she faints. Meanwhile, we see Elektra and Asian guy fighting outside near the woods, but she ends up dumping him in some well, great. Then she takes out this dagger, and throws it towards the woods. It somehow cuts through all the leaves, finds J-wow and catches her in the face, back to the Jersey Show you bimbo!
At the end of the movie, Elektra takes Abby back home. They sit on the bed and talk, she says “thank you for rescuing me” you know, all that cheesy garbage. And you can’t end a movie like this without another cheesy line like this; Abby asks “Will I ever see you again” and Elektra says “We’ll find each other” lol. I swear, this movie was straight up garbage! I was never gonna do a decent review of this movie, but I just wanted to watch it to see what everybody was talking about. The bad guy in the beginning doesn’t even make a second appearance, but he probably quit cause the movie was getting lame, I don’t blame him lol. Garner is so hot in the movie but her acting is so dull, the dialogue is cheesy, and the fight scenes are lame!
As you know by now, I hate it when movies start this quickly! You haven’t established any characters, so there’s no sympathy lol. Most of the beginning of this movie involves Elektra walking around aimlessly with no real goal or reason. Their on some island but I don’t know where, and I don’t even think it’s mentioned. They probably filmed it on an island cause nobody wanted a bad movie like this in the states cause it’d cause a riot lol. This film is loaded with cheesy scenes, and lame dialogue that was written by a 12 year old!
Alot of the beginning involves her walking around aimlessly, reflecting on her past. We see scenes of her when she was a little girl, getting bossed around by her father. But it just doesn’t work cause we still don’t care enough about her character to have any sympathy! I actually saw (and remember bits and pieces) Daredevil, and she was pretty decent in that film, even though she was standing next to Ben Affleck’s ugly face! She was decent then, but in this film she just tossed out all her acting ability and traded it all in for a bunch of lame, mono-tone dialogue and half the time we can’t even understand what she’s saying.
Eventually she runs into this little girl named Abbey, who we see sneaking into her house from time to time. Out of all the characters in this film, she’s probably the only decent actor in the movie, she’s even better than her boring father! She too says alot of cheesy stuff but trust me, it’s not as lame as the older actors in this film. So anyway, Elektra asks her why she’s been sneaking into her house, and I forget what she says but, it was probably a cheesy response anyway. But I mean, if your some so-called Ninja, tell her if you catch her sneaking in your house again you’ll kick her butt!
Pretty soon Elektra meets the little girls father, and the scenes between the 2 of them is just awkward as hell lol. Elektra still talks in a monotone and just acts weird around him, and he doesn’t even flirt with her. But the scenes between both of them are so awkward! Randomly a bunch of Ninjas show up at his house, and randomly he wants to walk outside (how convenient) So he walks outside and walks to the edge of the porch, when Electra shows up on the front porch next to him lol. I mean, I don’t understand why the ninjas didn’t spot her but, whatever. So she tells him to go back inside.
She then walks to the edge of the porch, and randomly throws a knife towards the ceiling, hitting the ninja up top through the ceiling. It’s so random and goofy lol. She then gets into a fight with another Ninja inside, and this scene is pretty lame too, and I don’t even remember what happens but she kills him too. She then says “There’ll be more coming, what’s coming next will be worse” lol. I swear, this movie was written by a child! While all this is going on, we get a bunch of pointless scenes of all these Asian people sitting around a table talking about who knows what.
There’s also this other Asian group; one Asian guy who’s name I don’t care to know, 4 other men and some chick who looks like J-Wow from Jersey Shore. This movie probably inspired that show, cause their both a joke! There’s also this old guy named Stick, according to imdb that is. They probably gave him the name cause he carries a stick around, I don’t know, it’s lame though. But I recognize this guy from 2 other movies that were way better than this one; Yes Man and Adjustment Bureau, which was actually a pretty beautiful movie. I’m not even into romance films but that one is one of my favorites.
So anyway, he and his men are after Elektra for some reason. They find her later on and chase her through the woods. This big black guy appears in this scene, so I’m thinking he’s gonna do some damage but sadly that’s not the case. Elektra makes a tree fall on him and when it crushes him into the ground, he turns into this yellow looking fairy dust, I don’t know. J-wow also pops up in this scene and plants a kiss on Elektra for some random reason, and the two of them become surrounded by this huge cloud of dust and leaves and it just looks silly as hell. The guy who wrote this movie must’ve been high on some new drug when he wrote this scene.
Eventually Elektra changes into this hot red outfit and walks around the house a bit. I swear, alot of my hate for this film goes out the window when I see this scene, her body is so hot! But then she gets into a fight with the Asian dude from earlier and all my hate for this movie comes back lol. They fight in this big room, and the fight scene isn’t even half-decent. There’s lots of jumping and spinning around, and you can’t even see what’s going on cause these stupid white curtain blonds get in the way. I swear, the room is like 50 feet wide but as they fight, all they do is block our view of whatever the heck is going on, it’s annoying as hell!
While all this goes on, we see Abby in the woods running around, I don’t know what she’s doing. Probably looking for an Easter egg, who the hell cares. But J-wow pops up in this scene and says something very cheesy, I can’t remember. But she blows this smoke in her face and Abby’s face turns to stone or something, and she faints. Meanwhile, we see Elektra and Asian guy fighting outside near the woods, but she ends up dumping him in some well, great. Then she takes out this dagger, and throws it towards the woods. It somehow cuts through all the leaves, finds J-wow and catches her in the face, back to the Jersey Show you bimbo!
At the end of the movie, Elektra takes Abby back home. They sit on the bed and talk, she says “thank you for rescuing me” you know, all that cheesy garbage. And you can’t end a movie like this without another cheesy line like this; Abby asks “Will I ever see you again” and Elektra says “We’ll find each other” lol. I swear, this movie was straight up garbage! I was never gonna do a decent review of this movie, but I just wanted to watch it to see what everybody was talking about. The bad guy in the beginning doesn’t even make a second appearance, but he probably quit cause the movie was getting lame, I don’t blame him lol. Garner is so hot in the movie but her acting is so dull, the dialogue is cheesy, and the fight scenes are lame!
Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)
First time seeing this movie, and I didn’t like it. It wasn’t a bad movie, but it did put me to sleep at times. I think I heard about this movie back when I was in school. Around this time they were talkin about this one and The Ring, which came out in the same year. Going into this movie for the first time, I was expecting something frightening, but it actually ended up putting me to sleep. 90% of the movie takes place in a court room where we see these people talking about Emily Rose, who was this 18 year old girl who soon began having these seizures.
In a way, alot of this movie reminds me of The Exorcist (1973) with the whole “Demon Girl” thing and the pastor comin over to see what’s goin on. It brought back bad memories for me, since I hated both those movies with all my guts. They even have a scene with her in the bed screaming and whatnot but instead of a big bed like Exorcist, they got her in one of those tiny kid beds lol. There are alot of notable characters in this movie though; Colm Feore, I recognized his name immediately even before seeing his face. He plays Andre Linoge in Stephen King’s Storm of the Century (1999) and just like that movie, he talks as if he’s got everything figured out and with alot of dialogue.
The dialogue in this film I’ll admit is pretty nice, but some of it is kinda complicated, especially in the courtroom scenes. Another character I recognize (who isn’t in many scenes) named JR Bourne. He’s in a few seconds of 13 Ghosts (2001) so that was cool to pick up on. At the end of the movie, Father Moore ends up being guilty and they give him 10 years in the pen. If anything, this movie was basically a big version of the show Law and Order, so if you like that show, you’ll definitely like this movie. And if you like to sleep, you’ll feel right at home watching this one.
In a way, alot of this movie reminds me of The Exorcist (1973) with the whole “Demon Girl” thing and the pastor comin over to see what’s goin on. It brought back bad memories for me, since I hated both those movies with all my guts. They even have a scene with her in the bed screaming and whatnot but instead of a big bed like Exorcist, they got her in one of those tiny kid beds lol. There are alot of notable characters in this movie though; Colm Feore, I recognized his name immediately even before seeing his face. He plays Andre Linoge in Stephen King’s Storm of the Century (1999) and just like that movie, he talks as if he’s got everything figured out and with alot of dialogue.
The dialogue in this film I’ll admit is pretty nice, but some of it is kinda complicated, especially in the courtroom scenes. Another character I recognize (who isn’t in many scenes) named JR Bourne. He’s in a few seconds of 13 Ghosts (2001) so that was cool to pick up on. At the end of the movie, Father Moore ends up being guilty and they give him 10 years in the pen. If anything, this movie was basically a big version of the show Law and Order, so if you like that show, you’ll definitely like this movie. And if you like to sleep, you’ll feel right at home watching this one.
I Robot (2005)
I catch this film on cable every now and again, and thought it’d be interesting to watch. But as I watched it, I couldn’t help but get this boring vibe from it. I love to watch futuristic movies, cause I love seeing technology evolve and space and stuff like that. But I just couldn’t get into this movie the way I wanted, and some of the scenes were kinda cheesy. Will Smith is the main character in this film, and it’s one of the few other films of his (besides Men in Black) that I’m not too fond of.
The movie is set in the year 2035, and it seems that half the population is made up of robots. But as crazy as it sounds, this actually might happen in the future. Technology is moving at a rapid pace, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw this by 2020. I love Will’s look in this movie, cause I kinda like seeing him in black clothing. The only thing I don’t like about his outfit, are his shoes. My mother tried to get me to buy shoes like these, but I hate the way they look, and their too skinny. Personally, I usually wear skateboarding shoes (even though I can’t skateboard) cause their easy to slip on and off.
Will doesn’t have a specific mission (not yet anyway) so we mainly just see him walking around in circles for the first 20 minutes of the film, visiting his grandma and just wasting time. In one scene he’s talking to his grandmother, and he mentions that robots “don’t do any good” but I disagree. Cause if you took the robots out, this film would just suck. We later see his boss getting mad at him for chasing after some purse stealing robot, and this scene always confused me. This is basically a scene setup so that the audience is familiarized with these robots before progressing with the story, so we know what the heck is going on. But he mainly says that robots have never attacked a human being, something that couldn’t have been looked over.
Cause if the film was all fine and dandy and we sat through 2 hours of calm, human-like robots that did everything a human did and didn’t act out, the film would’ve been pretty boring. There’s also this saying that they use, which describes the robot laws and what they can and can’t do. It’s so cheesy and confusing, I’m not even gonna repeat it (so don’t ask) We later find out some dude jumped out a window (probably got done reading this films script) So Will hooks up with this woman named Susan and they investigate it. When they reach the top, Will tries to break the glass with a chair but it doesn’t work, since the glass is made out of some strong material, which basically implies that one of the robots jumped through it.
One of these robots shows up in the next scene, jumps out the window, and this is where the chasing begins. I don’t know why we don’t see and cops attempting to chase after it the second it breaks out, probably stuffing their mouths with futuristic doughnuts. We later see Will in someone’s house snooping around, stumbles upon a cat, and goes “You’re a cat, and I’m black” which is such an ignorant response. I’m mixed with both black and white and I love cats and others do too, regardless of skin color. He’s immediately attacked by some crane after uttering these lines and my only guess for this scene, was cause the person operating the crane probably thought it was a racist remark as well and wanted to punish him.
He then arrives at Susan’s house, where we get some more cheesy dialogue; She opens the door, asking “Do you ever have a normal day” in which Will replies “Yea, it was a Thursday” which makes no sense at all. They then get into this big argument (over who knows what, probably over which one has the guts to walk off the film set) but Will calls her the “dumbest smart person” lol. Not only is the line one of the cheesiest I’ve ever heard, but I just wanna give Will a round of applause. Congrats Will, you insulted a female. We later get some pretty cool scenes of the robots chasing Will in his car (built entirely off CGI) but I’ll admit, the scene has it’s moments; robots jumping on the car, slipping off, crashing, getting run over, etc.
At the end of the film, about 100 robots chase Will and Susan to this facility but I don’t know what the heck is going on. But it’s nice to know they atleast attempted something apocalyptic-like. I guess you can say I hate the film, but it definitely could’ve been picked up by a better director, with a much darker take. My version of this film definitely would’ve cut out alot of the cheesy scenes, and made it darker and grittier, with Will in a non-CGI vehicle, shooting at the robots as they chase him in high-jacked sports cars, explosions, etc. I don’t know why Will keeps mentioning his ex wife either, like it’s his badge of honor. Get over your ex and move on bro. It’s obvious she broke up with you after you signed on to make this film, gimme a break.
The movie is set in the year 2035, and it seems that half the population is made up of robots. But as crazy as it sounds, this actually might happen in the future. Technology is moving at a rapid pace, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw this by 2020. I love Will’s look in this movie, cause I kinda like seeing him in black clothing. The only thing I don’t like about his outfit, are his shoes. My mother tried to get me to buy shoes like these, but I hate the way they look, and their too skinny. Personally, I usually wear skateboarding shoes (even though I can’t skateboard) cause their easy to slip on and off.
Will doesn’t have a specific mission (not yet anyway) so we mainly just see him walking around in circles for the first 20 minutes of the film, visiting his grandma and just wasting time. In one scene he’s talking to his grandmother, and he mentions that robots “don’t do any good” but I disagree. Cause if you took the robots out, this film would just suck. We later see his boss getting mad at him for chasing after some purse stealing robot, and this scene always confused me. This is basically a scene setup so that the audience is familiarized with these robots before progressing with the story, so we know what the heck is going on. But he mainly says that robots have never attacked a human being, something that couldn’t have been looked over.
Cause if the film was all fine and dandy and we sat through 2 hours of calm, human-like robots that did everything a human did and didn’t act out, the film would’ve been pretty boring. There’s also this saying that they use, which describes the robot laws and what they can and can’t do. It’s so cheesy and confusing, I’m not even gonna repeat it (so don’t ask) We later find out some dude jumped out a window (probably got done reading this films script) So Will hooks up with this woman named Susan and they investigate it. When they reach the top, Will tries to break the glass with a chair but it doesn’t work, since the glass is made out of some strong material, which basically implies that one of the robots jumped through it.
One of these robots shows up in the next scene, jumps out the window, and this is where the chasing begins. I don’t know why we don’t see and cops attempting to chase after it the second it breaks out, probably stuffing their mouths with futuristic doughnuts. We later see Will in someone’s house snooping around, stumbles upon a cat, and goes “You’re a cat, and I’m black” which is such an ignorant response. I’m mixed with both black and white and I love cats and others do too, regardless of skin color. He’s immediately attacked by some crane after uttering these lines and my only guess for this scene, was cause the person operating the crane probably thought it was a racist remark as well and wanted to punish him.
He then arrives at Susan’s house, where we get some more cheesy dialogue; She opens the door, asking “Do you ever have a normal day” in which Will replies “Yea, it was a Thursday” which makes no sense at all. They then get into this big argument (over who knows what, probably over which one has the guts to walk off the film set) but Will calls her the “dumbest smart person” lol. Not only is the line one of the cheesiest I’ve ever heard, but I just wanna give Will a round of applause. Congrats Will, you insulted a female. We later get some pretty cool scenes of the robots chasing Will in his car (built entirely off CGI) but I’ll admit, the scene has it’s moments; robots jumping on the car, slipping off, crashing, getting run over, etc.
At the end of the film, about 100 robots chase Will and Susan to this facility but I don’t know what the heck is going on. But it’s nice to know they atleast attempted something apocalyptic-like. I guess you can say I hate the film, but it definitely could’ve been picked up by a better director, with a much darker take. My version of this film definitely would’ve cut out alot of the cheesy scenes, and made it darker and grittier, with Will in a non-CGI vehicle, shooting at the robots as they chase him in high-jacked sports cars, explosions, etc. I don’t know why Will keeps mentioning his ex wife either, like it’s his badge of honor. Get over your ex and move on bro. It’s obvious she broke up with you after you signed on to make this film, gimme a break.
The Dark (2005)
The trailer for this film looked decent, but the movie itself sucked and I was very disappointed. The main thing that attracted me to this film was the whole “daughter getting lost” thing, which is a pretty decent concept to get into in these types of movies. It’s very reminiscent of Silent Hill (2006) and Sean Bean is also even in this movie, but we’ll get to him in a bit. The beginning starts off pretty well, with mother and daughter in the car talking for a bit. They both fall asleep and the mother soon has a dream of the daughter wondering off, but wakes up and everything is okay.
I don’t know what state this takes place in, but it’s one of those open area, country states with alot of flat land and grass. I honestly wouldn’t mind living out here, cause it looks pretty relaxing. The only scary thing about it, is the nearby cliff with the ocean 100 feet below, which seems to be a pivotal part of the story in this film. They finally meet the father, who looks like he’s in his late 40’s but they give him bright blonde hair like he’s some young surfer boy. There’s also this monument at the edge of the hill which plays into the story, and there’s some Welsh message carved into it but the back-story behind it is very confusing, and I don’t wanna get into it.
Pretty soon, a bunch of nearby sheep go haywire and start a stampede. About 20 of them start running across the grass (toppling over the little girl in the process) and eventually running into the river. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw this scene, cause it’s so random and stupid. Like the sheep just got done sniffing some type of laughing gas or something. The parents run over to Sarah to see if she’s okay and mainly, she tells the mother to back off, repeatedly saying she’s okay. This is another central part of the story; this beef between the mother and daughter. It’s brought up a few times in these flashback scenes but it’s never explained well enough, so you can just ignore them.
Later that night, Sarah is relaxing in her room and the father comes in and talks to her. He asks her if she’s doing okay and the dialogue goes just like this; Father asks “Anything you wanna talk about?” “No” “Are you sure?” “No” lol. Well if she’s not sure, you’d better keep asking. I wonder what moron wrote this script I swear. The next day, we see Sarah on the rocks near the beach and she’s just looking around. But with her fantastic eye sight, she spots a necklace at the bottom of the lake under a rock. I’ll admit the necklace looks pretty cool, but it’s still a pretty random scene. The necklace itself is probably worth more than this films budget, you can bank on that.
Eventually the mother goes looking for her near the beach, and finds out that Sarah must’ve obviously fell in the water and disappeared. And if the confusion hasn’t already sunk in, it’s about to. Sarah begins to make a few appearances in the coming scenes as some demon girl and alot of these scenes are confusing, and aren’t scary at all. She claims she’s not the real Sarah and starts talking about sheep and other random nonsense. The good thing though is that unlike Silent Hill, Sean Bean isn’t in the background just yelling and getting stopped by police from seeing his daughter. He’s finally at the forefront, but it still doesn’t help. You kinda don’t even feel bad for the parents in this film cause it’s so confusing.
The mother later does research on these symbols that she finds around the house. She gets help from some old lady at a library and eventually comes to the conclusion that Sarah is killing sheep or something, but I don’t know the deal with that. Maybe she likes eating sheep, give her a break, we all get hungry sometimes. Pretty soon some random girl with a little doll shows up and starts talking about who knows what. And if you’re still awake at this point in the film, I congratulate you. The mother later loses her cool and yells at the little girl, so loudly that she falls backwards, knocking her head so hard that she ends up in a hospital. It’s sad but at the same time, so comical. This should be in the comedy section in blockbuster, I swear.
We get another flashback sequence later on of about 40-50 people near the ledge. It looks like it takes place in the 1500’s with the clothing, and there’s even kids here. I don’t remember what’s being said (lucky me) but they all begin jumping into the ocean. I don’t even know why I’m still talking about this film. But the good thing, is that it kept me laughing, so it’s pure entertainment at this point. We later see the little girl curled into a ball on the floor, and she even has the guts to say “I never meant to hurt anyone” lol. Well too bad, cause this movie made me laugh so hard that it hurt my stomach. We then see her trying to jump off the 100 foot ledge into the ocean herself, but the mother tries to stop her. But when the father shows up, she randomly grabs Sarah and they both jump 100 feet into the ocean!
I don’t even know if I can continue talking about this film. It’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it sucks that I was lured into this crap film just by seeing the trailer. They could’ve definitely made it alot simpler if they took out all this religious nonsense and kinda toned it down a bit. It’s basically Silent Hill, without the monsters or the hot zombie nurses. At the end of the film, the mother and daughter are still alive (even though none of them had a life jacket) and they all end up back home. The father takes the daughter inside the house but locks the mother outside. So either the father didn’t see her cause she’s a ghost, or he just doesn’t want her anymore. But I would think that the daughter would be a ghost too, since they both jumped into the water together but seriously, who really cares. This movie should be in a category of it’s own when it comes to what directors come up with when on LSD.
I don’t know what state this takes place in, but it’s one of those open area, country states with alot of flat land and grass. I honestly wouldn’t mind living out here, cause it looks pretty relaxing. The only scary thing about it, is the nearby cliff with the ocean 100 feet below, which seems to be a pivotal part of the story in this film. They finally meet the father, who looks like he’s in his late 40’s but they give him bright blonde hair like he’s some young surfer boy. There’s also this monument at the edge of the hill which plays into the story, and there’s some Welsh message carved into it but the back-story behind it is very confusing, and I don’t wanna get into it.
Pretty soon, a bunch of nearby sheep go haywire and start a stampede. About 20 of them start running across the grass (toppling over the little girl in the process) and eventually running into the river. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw this scene, cause it’s so random and stupid. Like the sheep just got done sniffing some type of laughing gas or something. The parents run over to Sarah to see if she’s okay and mainly, she tells the mother to back off, repeatedly saying she’s okay. This is another central part of the story; this beef between the mother and daughter. It’s brought up a few times in these flashback scenes but it’s never explained well enough, so you can just ignore them.
Later that night, Sarah is relaxing in her room and the father comes in and talks to her. He asks her if she’s doing okay and the dialogue goes just like this; Father asks “Anything you wanna talk about?” “No” “Are you sure?” “No” lol. Well if she’s not sure, you’d better keep asking. I wonder what moron wrote this script I swear. The next day, we see Sarah on the rocks near the beach and she’s just looking around. But with her fantastic eye sight, she spots a necklace at the bottom of the lake under a rock. I’ll admit the necklace looks pretty cool, but it’s still a pretty random scene. The necklace itself is probably worth more than this films budget, you can bank on that.
Eventually the mother goes looking for her near the beach, and finds out that Sarah must’ve obviously fell in the water and disappeared. And if the confusion hasn’t already sunk in, it’s about to. Sarah begins to make a few appearances in the coming scenes as some demon girl and alot of these scenes are confusing, and aren’t scary at all. She claims she’s not the real Sarah and starts talking about sheep and other random nonsense. The good thing though is that unlike Silent Hill, Sean Bean isn’t in the background just yelling and getting stopped by police from seeing his daughter. He’s finally at the forefront, but it still doesn’t help. You kinda don’t even feel bad for the parents in this film cause it’s so confusing.
The mother later does research on these symbols that she finds around the house. She gets help from some old lady at a library and eventually comes to the conclusion that Sarah is killing sheep or something, but I don’t know the deal with that. Maybe she likes eating sheep, give her a break, we all get hungry sometimes. Pretty soon some random girl with a little doll shows up and starts talking about who knows what. And if you’re still awake at this point in the film, I congratulate you. The mother later loses her cool and yells at the little girl, so loudly that she falls backwards, knocking her head so hard that she ends up in a hospital. It’s sad but at the same time, so comical. This should be in the comedy section in blockbuster, I swear.
We get another flashback sequence later on of about 40-50 people near the ledge. It looks like it takes place in the 1500’s with the clothing, and there’s even kids here. I don’t remember what’s being said (lucky me) but they all begin jumping into the ocean. I don’t even know why I’m still talking about this film. But the good thing, is that it kept me laughing, so it’s pure entertainment at this point. We later see the little girl curled into a ball on the floor, and she even has the guts to say “I never meant to hurt anyone” lol. Well too bad, cause this movie made me laugh so hard that it hurt my stomach. We then see her trying to jump off the 100 foot ledge into the ocean herself, but the mother tries to stop her. But when the father shows up, she randomly grabs Sarah and they both jump 100 feet into the ocean!
I don’t even know if I can continue talking about this film. It’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and it sucks that I was lured into this crap film just by seeing the trailer. They could’ve definitely made it alot simpler if they took out all this religious nonsense and kinda toned it down a bit. It’s basically Silent Hill, without the monsters or the hot zombie nurses. At the end of the film, the mother and daughter are still alive (even though none of them had a life jacket) and they all end up back home. The father takes the daughter inside the house but locks the mother outside. So either the father didn’t see her cause she’s a ghost, or he just doesn’t want her anymore. But I would think that the daughter would be a ghost too, since they both jumped into the water together but seriously, who really cares. This movie should be in a category of it’s own when it comes to what directors come up with when on LSD.
War of the Worlds (2005)
First time seeing this film, and definitely my last. I caught clips of this movie on cable (the beginning) and it seemed like a pretty good movie to see. It’s got the whole apocalypse theme going on. But it honestly took me, a little bit over half the film to see how bad it was. It mainly revolves around this guy named Ray and his two kids, Rachel and Robbie. Robbie is a nobody, but Rachel is played by Dakota Fanning, who’s a pretty good actor. She has a few scenes in the film where she screams and cries, but it doesn’t save how horrible this flick was. I’ll admit, the beginning of this film is pretty cool, and I hate putting movies like this in this section but, for me to actually fill an entire page with stuff that I hated, there’s definitely a reason why it’s here.
First off, the father Ray wears this big bulky jacket throughout the film. I’ve never in a film (besides Rocky Balboa) seen a person wear a jacket this thick unless it was snowing, but the weather in this film looks fine. Add to that he’s not even a muscular person, so he looks very silly with it. Pretty soon this huge dust cloud appears out of the sky and the ground begins to shake and crumble. Buildings begin to collapse and smash all over the place. This is definitely the best part of the movie. And seeing this film for the first time, my eyes were glued to the screen. For some reason, all the cars stop working and the whole city begins walking on foot. But somehow, Ray and his kids find the one car out of about 500 that work, and they go on their way.
Add to that, when the eruption came, the son took off outta nowhere (leaving both the father and daughter behind) and it looks like a very silly thing to do. Both he and the daughter do this alot in the film; running off and looking very silly in the process. In the coming scenes, most of them take place in the basement, but these scenes shouldn’t have lasted anymore than 5 minutes. Most of these scenes are dragged out for about 20 and just thinking about them puts me to sleep. The father and son have a few arguments through the film, but most of it is the sons fault. For some stupid reason, when the tanks arrive to battle the alien machines (that we barely get a glimpse of) he runs after them goin “I wanna see the explosion!” and his father has to tackle him to the floor.
All these scenes are so random and stupid looking. Later in the film while driving in the only car that works, Ray and his family arrive at this diner where their attacked by about 500 people, busting open the car wit weapons and, dragging them out. One guy says he wants the car, but how the hell are you gonna drive it after busting it up with a baseball bat. People are so dumb! Again, we never really get a clear shot of the aliens, which stand about 100 feet high on robotic legs. We get a few, but nothing too close and amazing. The family later ends up in another basement with this guy (I could care less about his name) and hideout for a bit. Again, this scene lasts for about 20 minutes straight and it’s very dull and boring. At some points I even forgot this was supposed to be an apocalypse film lol.
And the guy in this scene too, begins acting stupid and making all this noise. Ray should’ve definitely shot him, but I forget what happens to him. I probably dozed off to sleep by this point. At the end of the film, we finally do get close enough to the machines when Ray and his family are sucked up into it’s little compartment on the side of it’s metal body. At one point it tries to eat him, and as it gobbles him up, Ray brings 3 grenades into it’s mouth. When it spits him back out, the grenades are left inside it’s body and the whole thing blows up. Yup, 3 grenades blew up this enormous 500 foot machine! When it drops the compartments their all in, everybody lands safely on a tree, how unrealistic!
This film kinda reminds me of Cloverfield, with all the chasing and little glimpses of the creature. But atleast in that film, the characters were more entertaining. One thing I think would’ve made this film better, is if they continued what they did in the first scene, with all the explosions, and have a scene where helicopters come down and shoot at the machines. But when you barely get a glimpse of these things, it really gets me heated. Especially for a filmmaker like Stephen Spielberg. I usually don’t really care who directs a film, cause once you master the art of directing, I can’t really tell who did what. Unless of course, we’re talking about films like Panic Room (2002) or Let Me In (2010) cause those films are in a category of their own. Spielberg didn’t do squat with this film to excite me, and it’s very disappointing.
First off, the father Ray wears this big bulky jacket throughout the film. I’ve never in a film (besides Rocky Balboa) seen a person wear a jacket this thick unless it was snowing, but the weather in this film looks fine. Add to that he’s not even a muscular person, so he looks very silly with it. Pretty soon this huge dust cloud appears out of the sky and the ground begins to shake and crumble. Buildings begin to collapse and smash all over the place. This is definitely the best part of the movie. And seeing this film for the first time, my eyes were glued to the screen. For some reason, all the cars stop working and the whole city begins walking on foot. But somehow, Ray and his kids find the one car out of about 500 that work, and they go on their way.
Add to that, when the eruption came, the son took off outta nowhere (leaving both the father and daughter behind) and it looks like a very silly thing to do. Both he and the daughter do this alot in the film; running off and looking very silly in the process. In the coming scenes, most of them take place in the basement, but these scenes shouldn’t have lasted anymore than 5 minutes. Most of these scenes are dragged out for about 20 and just thinking about them puts me to sleep. The father and son have a few arguments through the film, but most of it is the sons fault. For some stupid reason, when the tanks arrive to battle the alien machines (that we barely get a glimpse of) he runs after them goin “I wanna see the explosion!” and his father has to tackle him to the floor.
All these scenes are so random and stupid looking. Later in the film while driving in the only car that works, Ray and his family arrive at this diner where their attacked by about 500 people, busting open the car wit weapons and, dragging them out. One guy says he wants the car, but how the hell are you gonna drive it after busting it up with a baseball bat. People are so dumb! Again, we never really get a clear shot of the aliens, which stand about 100 feet high on robotic legs. We get a few, but nothing too close and amazing. The family later ends up in another basement with this guy (I could care less about his name) and hideout for a bit. Again, this scene lasts for about 20 minutes straight and it’s very dull and boring. At some points I even forgot this was supposed to be an apocalypse film lol.
And the guy in this scene too, begins acting stupid and making all this noise. Ray should’ve definitely shot him, but I forget what happens to him. I probably dozed off to sleep by this point. At the end of the film, we finally do get close enough to the machines when Ray and his family are sucked up into it’s little compartment on the side of it’s metal body. At one point it tries to eat him, and as it gobbles him up, Ray brings 3 grenades into it’s mouth. When it spits him back out, the grenades are left inside it’s body and the whole thing blows up. Yup, 3 grenades blew up this enormous 500 foot machine! When it drops the compartments their all in, everybody lands safely on a tree, how unrealistic!
This film kinda reminds me of Cloverfield, with all the chasing and little glimpses of the creature. But atleast in that film, the characters were more entertaining. One thing I think would’ve made this film better, is if they continued what they did in the first scene, with all the explosions, and have a scene where helicopters come down and shoot at the machines. But when you barely get a glimpse of these things, it really gets me heated. Especially for a filmmaker like Stephen Spielberg. I usually don’t really care who directs a film, cause once you master the art of directing, I can’t really tell who did what. Unless of course, we’re talking about films like Panic Room (2002) or Let Me In (2010) cause those films are in a category of their own. Spielberg didn’t do squat with this film to excite me, and it’s very disappointing.
Ultraviolet (2006)
I was planning on doing this movie at some point, cause I’m kind of a fan of Milla Jovovich and her action roles. She’s mostly cast in roles where she uses some form of karate on her enemies, but I caught this film on cable and was very disappointed. It literally didn’t take more than 10 seconds for me to hate this movie, that’s how bad it is lol.
I caught the movie kind of in the middle, and I’m not sure where, but it’s the part where she meets up with this little boy (who’s name is irrelevant) I had no clue what the plot was, but it was easy to guess that she was sent to either protect him or bring him somewhere safe. But the first thing that bugged me, was how lame the dialogue was; After meeting him, I expected her to be like “So, what’s your name” or “Do you know a way out of here” or atleast something smart, but no. They kinda just stare at each other cluelessly while the soldiers arrive.
Another thing that bugged me about this movie, is the acting. Everybody’s acting in this movie is crap lol. Milla’s isn’t really bad, but she talks in this very low and boring monotone, and that did it for me. It gave off the impression that she kinda just wanted to get the movie over with and collect her paycheck. So now that the story is lost, you don’t care at all for the characters. There’s a boss who’s name I don’t know either, and she and the boy meet up with him. He’s got 2 plugs in his nose for some bizarre reason, so he just looks like a fool.
On top of that, the little boy dies about 3 times during the film; he faints about twice, kinda randomly (reading the script will do that to you) he wakes up twice, and then he dies again, and then he’s randomly alive at the end of the movie. He probably received a cure some point in the film but I wasn’t really paying attention (cause I was napping) The scene that really gets me, is this lame fight scene with Milla. The boss has the little boy tied over a well, and eventually drops him to the bottom. So Milla battles about 10 dudes while trying to quickly run over to stop him from hitting the floor.
The fighting scenes in this film are pretty lame I might add, and very cheesy. But I’ll admit, their alot better than the lame fighting scenes from Resident Evil Afterlife, that film makes my head spin lol. So anyway, after killing them all, she runs up to the well and holds onto the rope, pulling the little boy back up. The scene is cheesy as hell and just thinking about it makes my head hurt, cause after 2 minutes he should’ve went splat on the pavement below. The only good thing about this film are the outfits that Milla wears, cause nobody can deny how good she looks. But damn, they really screwed this film up, and I’m still recovering from the migraine I got watching this crap.
I caught the movie kind of in the middle, and I’m not sure where, but it’s the part where she meets up with this little boy (who’s name is irrelevant) I had no clue what the plot was, but it was easy to guess that she was sent to either protect him or bring him somewhere safe. But the first thing that bugged me, was how lame the dialogue was; After meeting him, I expected her to be like “So, what’s your name” or “Do you know a way out of here” or atleast something smart, but no. They kinda just stare at each other cluelessly while the soldiers arrive.
Another thing that bugged me about this movie, is the acting. Everybody’s acting in this movie is crap lol. Milla’s isn’t really bad, but she talks in this very low and boring monotone, and that did it for me. It gave off the impression that she kinda just wanted to get the movie over with and collect her paycheck. So now that the story is lost, you don’t care at all for the characters. There’s a boss who’s name I don’t know either, and she and the boy meet up with him. He’s got 2 plugs in his nose for some bizarre reason, so he just looks like a fool.
On top of that, the little boy dies about 3 times during the film; he faints about twice, kinda randomly (reading the script will do that to you) he wakes up twice, and then he dies again, and then he’s randomly alive at the end of the movie. He probably received a cure some point in the film but I wasn’t really paying attention (cause I was napping) The scene that really gets me, is this lame fight scene with Milla. The boss has the little boy tied over a well, and eventually drops him to the bottom. So Milla battles about 10 dudes while trying to quickly run over to stop him from hitting the floor.
The fighting scenes in this film are pretty lame I might add, and very cheesy. But I’ll admit, their alot better than the lame fighting scenes from Resident Evil Afterlife, that film makes my head spin lol. So anyway, after killing them all, she runs up to the well and holds onto the rope, pulling the little boy back up. The scene is cheesy as hell and just thinking about it makes my head hurt, cause after 2 minutes he should’ve went splat on the pavement below. The only good thing about this film are the outfits that Milla wears, cause nobody can deny how good she looks. But damn, they really screwed this film up, and I’m still recovering from the migraine I got watching this crap.
When a Stranger Calls (2006)
I remember seeing the trailer for this film when it first came out. But even then, I wasn’t really a big fan of going to the theater. Even now, I barely go to the theater cause alot of the trailers I catch on tv just aren’t that interesting. But having never seen this film (and judging by the title) there wasn’t much to get excited about. I knew it was gonna be decent, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this bad. By the title, it’s obvious the person is gonna be receiving phone calls that are meant to spook us, but this never scared me. If you really wanna scare someone, you don’t repeatedly phone their house, you show up to their house with a weapon lol.
From the first 5 minutes of this film, I could tell that there wasn’t much to get excited about; the acting is pretty wooden, there’s barely any dialogue, and nobody in this film has any personality. It looks more like the characters are just reading lines off a script rather than putting effort into it. We meet this girl named Jill, who we later see getting dropped off by her father at this house to baby-sit. I didn’t even know that was the whole reason, cause I only found this out after she entered the house. Her father mentions something on the drive over about her texting on her cell phone and taking up all her minutes. But he shouldn’t be that upset, cause the messages she texts to her friend are probably longer than the script for this movie.
When he drops her off, he says something like “When it hurts, that’s what counts” but I don’t know what he’s referring to (cause I wasn’t paying attention) But if this film hurts the viewer, I wonder if that counts. Well it counts for this section of my site, cause I love ripping apart films like this. I’ve never baby-sat in my life, for money anyway. The parents of the 2 kids are pretty dull too, especially the father, who only has about 2 sentences of dialogue. But he was probably able to pay a few bills with the paycheck he received for this film, so he’s not complaining. The mother also says Jill was “recommended” but I never knew people could recommend bad actors.
One girl does come by the house, claiming she entered through the driveway (please don’t ask) but the good thing about this scene is that she’s cute. Atleast I can stare at something before falling back to sleep. Eventually, Jill begins to get the phone calls and these scenes are so cheesy, I’m not even gonna describe. Add to that, the phone is so long it looks like a darn remote control. Good thing the ipod touch was released a year after this film, but they probably couldn’t use that for understandable license reasons. We also get a scene of college kids burning down this huge monument looking thing, for who knows what reason. But it’s probably as far as the budget goes for this film, cause you don’t need millions of dollars to put a girl in one house with a ringing phone.
Another thing I found funny, is in one instance the caller mentions some boy named Cody. I remember in Scary Movie 3 there was a scene where the guy on the phone calls the house just like this film, and says “I have a fabulous present for Cody” lol. We later find out, that it’s actually 2 houses. I wasn’t paying much attention, but Jill goes out in the rain to another house and we see her running back to the original house when the caller threatens the kids. I don’t know why they’d need 2 houses, since there’s only 4 people. But I honestly wouldn’t mind having 2 houses. Eventually the caller dude arrives, and none of these scenes are impressive. He’s not even scary looking, just some skinny dweeb with a bad haircut. Atleast hire a guy over 200 pounds, gimme a break.
He catches up to her in one scene and tries to choke her, and you’d have no idea what happens next. As he’s choking her, she grabs this vase (sitting conveniently right next to her) and tries to hit him with it. But she misses, and hits the wall behind her. I can’t even comment on how dumb this looks on screen, it’s so laughable. We don’t get to see his face till the end of the film, probably cause he didn’t want people to know he was in it, and just wanted the paycheck.
I love torturing myself with movies like this, it relieves alot of stress. The script couldn’t have been more than 10 pages long. It probably read something like “She picks the phone up, puts it down, walks around the house, picks the phone up, walks around” etc. This film would make a great comedy I think, cause alot of the scenes are so laughable. The caller probably kept calling cause he wanted to warn Jill that the film she was in was gonna bomb cause the idea was so cheesy. And by kidnapping the kids, he would’ve saved them from this film cause he knew they’d rather play at the park than star in a crap film like this.
From the first 5 minutes of this film, I could tell that there wasn’t much to get excited about; the acting is pretty wooden, there’s barely any dialogue, and nobody in this film has any personality. It looks more like the characters are just reading lines off a script rather than putting effort into it. We meet this girl named Jill, who we later see getting dropped off by her father at this house to baby-sit. I didn’t even know that was the whole reason, cause I only found this out after she entered the house. Her father mentions something on the drive over about her texting on her cell phone and taking up all her minutes. But he shouldn’t be that upset, cause the messages she texts to her friend are probably longer than the script for this movie.
When he drops her off, he says something like “When it hurts, that’s what counts” but I don’t know what he’s referring to (cause I wasn’t paying attention) But if this film hurts the viewer, I wonder if that counts. Well it counts for this section of my site, cause I love ripping apart films like this. I’ve never baby-sat in my life, for money anyway. The parents of the 2 kids are pretty dull too, especially the father, who only has about 2 sentences of dialogue. But he was probably able to pay a few bills with the paycheck he received for this film, so he’s not complaining. The mother also says Jill was “recommended” but I never knew people could recommend bad actors.
One girl does come by the house, claiming she entered through the driveway (please don’t ask) but the good thing about this scene is that she’s cute. Atleast I can stare at something before falling back to sleep. Eventually, Jill begins to get the phone calls and these scenes are so cheesy, I’m not even gonna describe. Add to that, the phone is so long it looks like a darn remote control. Good thing the ipod touch was released a year after this film, but they probably couldn’t use that for understandable license reasons. We also get a scene of college kids burning down this huge monument looking thing, for who knows what reason. But it’s probably as far as the budget goes for this film, cause you don’t need millions of dollars to put a girl in one house with a ringing phone.
Another thing I found funny, is in one instance the caller mentions some boy named Cody. I remember in Scary Movie 3 there was a scene where the guy on the phone calls the house just like this film, and says “I have a fabulous present for Cody” lol. We later find out, that it’s actually 2 houses. I wasn’t paying much attention, but Jill goes out in the rain to another house and we see her running back to the original house when the caller threatens the kids. I don’t know why they’d need 2 houses, since there’s only 4 people. But I honestly wouldn’t mind having 2 houses. Eventually the caller dude arrives, and none of these scenes are impressive. He’s not even scary looking, just some skinny dweeb with a bad haircut. Atleast hire a guy over 200 pounds, gimme a break.
He catches up to her in one scene and tries to choke her, and you’d have no idea what happens next. As he’s choking her, she grabs this vase (sitting conveniently right next to her) and tries to hit him with it. But she misses, and hits the wall behind her. I can’t even comment on how dumb this looks on screen, it’s so laughable. We don’t get to see his face till the end of the film, probably cause he didn’t want people to know he was in it, and just wanted the paycheck.
I love torturing myself with movies like this, it relieves alot of stress. The script couldn’t have been more than 10 pages long. It probably read something like “She picks the phone up, puts it down, walks around the house, picks the phone up, walks around” etc. This film would make a great comedy I think, cause alot of the scenes are so laughable. The caller probably kept calling cause he wanted to warn Jill that the film she was in was gonna bomb cause the idea was so cheesy. And by kidnapping the kids, he would’ve saved them from this film cause he knew they’d rather play at the park than star in a crap film like this.
The Pacifier (2007)
Another “Older guy takes care of kids” movie, how original! I think this movie can be viewed as funny from a distance but when you actually sit down and watch it, it’s not really that good. It mainly revolves around the actor Vin Diesel and his attempts to baby-sit a bunch of kids (I forget what the reason is) It’s like a mix between The Game Plan (2007) and Kindergarten Cop (1990) Vin Diesel and his men are like FBI agents or whatever. He’s introduced to the kids in the beginning, but the main one is this girl named Zoe, who’s pretty cute.
She has this scene later on where she talks to him about… I think her father (as if I care) and it’s probably the only emotional scene in the movie, but it doesn’t help the film. The kids later get outta control and he gives them these bracelets. He says this corny but funny line here; “Wanna hear the chain of command? I tell you what to do, and you do it, end of chain!” and it’s funny for all the wrong reasons lol. We then meet the principle who plays the big guy in the show Everybody Loves Raymond. I never watched the show except for the last 5 minutes or so cause WWE Smackdown would come on right after. He ends up fighting and beating up the principle at the end of the movie, which again is a very cheesy scene. They say he’s the wrestling coach but the guy doesn’t look like he’s touched weights in his lifetime!
Good job Vin, you beat up an old principle. Why don’t you go after the janitor next! There’s also this kid in the group named Seth who was part of the wrestling team until he quit. I’m guessing he didn’t think he was tough enough. Some of his scenes are pretty dull too, especially his acting. Especially the scene where Vin… I think he exits the bathroom or something and he yells in this girly voice “What are you talkin about, your insane!” lol. The only cool scene is where a bunch of guys with masks and blades jump through the window and Vin beats both of em up. Just sucks that the action in this scene was used in a bad movie like this. Pathetic!
She has this scene later on where she talks to him about… I think her father (as if I care) and it’s probably the only emotional scene in the movie, but it doesn’t help the film. The kids later get outta control and he gives them these bracelets. He says this corny but funny line here; “Wanna hear the chain of command? I tell you what to do, and you do it, end of chain!” and it’s funny for all the wrong reasons lol. We then meet the principle who plays the big guy in the show Everybody Loves Raymond. I never watched the show except for the last 5 minutes or so cause WWE Smackdown would come on right after. He ends up fighting and beating up the principle at the end of the movie, which again is a very cheesy scene. They say he’s the wrestling coach but the guy doesn’t look like he’s touched weights in his lifetime!
Good job Vin, you beat up an old principle. Why don’t you go after the janitor next! There’s also this kid in the group named Seth who was part of the wrestling team until he quit. I’m guessing he didn’t think he was tough enough. Some of his scenes are pretty dull too, especially his acting. Especially the scene where Vin… I think he exits the bathroom or something and he yells in this girly voice “What are you talkin about, your insane!” lol. The only cool scene is where a bunch of guys with masks and blades jump through the window and Vin beats both of em up. Just sucks that the action in this scene was used in a bad movie like this. Pathetic!
One Missed Call (2008)
I bought this movie around October 2011 and thought it looked like a great horror film (the box-art anyway) but I was obviously wrong! This movie is mainly about a group of teenagers receiving this phone call, and right after they hang up, they die. I’d thought this film was gonna be alot like the Scream series. The movie starts off pretty good, with this woman being dragged into the pool by her head. It didn’t really impress me, but it was decent. The actor here is Meagan Good, who is very cute by the way. So it’s kinda sad to see her die so early, though atleast she doesn’t have to sit through this pile of trash!
The next death scene involves this girl named Leann. She misses a phone call and begins to see all these mysterious faces around town. There’s nothing scary about it though, rather stupid looking. She soon ends up at a train station and ends up getting knocked off the beam above the rails, and gets hit by the train, ouch! The next death scene we get, we see this dude getting impaled by a sharp steel pole! We don’t even get to see it being lodged into his chest, which is huge disappointment. I guess that’s to keep the PG-13 rating, but why not give it an R rating! Some directors are dumb!
In a way, this movie kinda reminds me of Final Destination (better movies of course) with some of the actors knowing their death is approaching, all over the phone call. The 2 survivors Beth and Taylor soon figure out the deaths are all coming because of the message on the phone, so they destroy it. But soon this preacher dude shows up and suggests to help them, but he forces a phone into one of their hands lol. Everytime someone dies, they leave this little red thing behind, which we later find out from this little girl, is some type of candy (please don’t ask me why lol, but it’s random as hell) Near the end of the movie, a few creepy dead people pop out but by this point in the film, I’m pretty much sleepin.
Overall, I think this is a pretty cool idea for a film, they just didn’t pull it off correctly. The dialogue is another problem I have with this movie. There isn’t enough of it, and the characters are kinda dull. They don’t really fill us in on themselves and the whole movie just feels like their just going through the motions. At the start of the movie, they mention St Lukes Hospital and that’s cool, since this location is also mentioned in 13 Ghosts (2001) where Arthur’s wife died. One of the old guys in this film is also from Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) so I also thought that was cool. Good thing I only spent $3 on this film, cause I picked it up at one of those cheap stores so, it wasn’t really too much of a bad deal. Come to think of it, that’s probably all this movie is worth!
The next death scene involves this girl named Leann. She misses a phone call and begins to see all these mysterious faces around town. There’s nothing scary about it though, rather stupid looking. She soon ends up at a train station and ends up getting knocked off the beam above the rails, and gets hit by the train, ouch! The next death scene we get, we see this dude getting impaled by a sharp steel pole! We don’t even get to see it being lodged into his chest, which is huge disappointment. I guess that’s to keep the PG-13 rating, but why not give it an R rating! Some directors are dumb!
In a way, this movie kinda reminds me of Final Destination (better movies of course) with some of the actors knowing their death is approaching, all over the phone call. The 2 survivors Beth and Taylor soon figure out the deaths are all coming because of the message on the phone, so they destroy it. But soon this preacher dude shows up and suggests to help them, but he forces a phone into one of their hands lol. Everytime someone dies, they leave this little red thing behind, which we later find out from this little girl, is some type of candy (please don’t ask me why lol, but it’s random as hell) Near the end of the movie, a few creepy dead people pop out but by this point in the film, I’m pretty much sleepin.
Overall, I think this is a pretty cool idea for a film, they just didn’t pull it off correctly. The dialogue is another problem I have with this movie. There isn’t enough of it, and the characters are kinda dull. They don’t really fill us in on themselves and the whole movie just feels like their just going through the motions. At the start of the movie, they mention St Lukes Hospital and that’s cool, since this location is also mentioned in 13 Ghosts (2001) where Arthur’s wife died. One of the old guys in this film is also from Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) so I also thought that was cool. Good thing I only spent $3 on this film, cause I picked it up at one of those cheap stores so, it wasn’t really too much of a bad deal. Come to think of it, that’s probably all this movie is worth!
Prom Night (2008)
To some extent, I actually gave this film a chance. I thought the idea of prom was cheesy to use (horror film or not) but I didn’t even see the trailer, so I was expecting to be surprised. But literally about 5 minutes into the movie, I realized that there wasn’t gonna be anything memorable about this junk heap! It starts pretty quickly, with some girl named Donna coming home to realize her whole family has been murdered. Movies that start this quickly are usually bad, cause it shows the person who made the movie didn’t have any characters in mind (just the scenes) which makes me think he doesn’t belong in Hollywood cause anybody could come up with a random death scene.
We later find out the entire first scene was a dream-sequence but it makes no difference, cause the movie doesn’t get any better from here on out. In the coming scenes we see alot of students getting dressed for prom and all the high school excitement, and it’s pretty cheesy. We also get a bunch of cheap and lame jump-scares throughout the film, many of which look as though they were written by an 8 year old. The cheapest one they use is the lame mirror trick; where a character will be brushing their teeth or whatever in the bathroom and when they open the mirror, there’s someone standing behind em. They literally use this scene about 5 times through the entire movie and it’s so lame it makes you wanna barf!
We also get scenes of the killer (whatever his name is) walking around the prom building suspiciously. He kills about 5 people throughout the film and I’m not gonna get into each one of them (cause that would be suicide for a movie like this) but yea, it’s pretty lame and predictable. He kills most of them in a bathroom with a knife and I’m surprised he never gets blood on his shirt, the attention to detail is astonishing. So yea, alot of the movie is pretty cheesy. There’s probably a cheesy predictable scene about every 5 minutes (which adds up in a movie this length) and getting into all of them would probably put me in a coma. This is one of those movies that’s so bad, as a viewer it’s the equivalent to sitting in the electric chair.
We later find out the entire first scene was a dream-sequence but it makes no difference, cause the movie doesn’t get any better from here on out. In the coming scenes we see alot of students getting dressed for prom and all the high school excitement, and it’s pretty cheesy. We also get a bunch of cheap and lame jump-scares throughout the film, many of which look as though they were written by an 8 year old. The cheapest one they use is the lame mirror trick; where a character will be brushing their teeth or whatever in the bathroom and when they open the mirror, there’s someone standing behind em. They literally use this scene about 5 times through the entire movie and it’s so lame it makes you wanna barf!
We also get scenes of the killer (whatever his name is) walking around the prom building suspiciously. He kills about 5 people throughout the film and I’m not gonna get into each one of them (cause that would be suicide for a movie like this) but yea, it’s pretty lame and predictable. He kills most of them in a bathroom with a knife and I’m surprised he never gets blood on his shirt, the attention to detail is astonishing. So yea, alot of the movie is pretty cheesy. There’s probably a cheesy predictable scene about every 5 minutes (which adds up in a movie this length) and getting into all of them would probably put me in a coma. This is one of those movies that’s so bad, as a viewer it’s the equivalent to sitting in the electric chair.
District 9 (2009)
Sometimes I watch movies based off the trailer, but sometimes I choose them based off the box art. The box art for this film looks pretty cool, with the huge ship on the front. It was one of the things that instantly grabbed me, cause it seemed to have some apocalyptic theme going, which is the genre of movies I’m usually attracted to. The front of the movie also names the involvement of Peter Jackson, who I could care less for. I don’t watch movies based off directors, no matter how famous they are. He’s mostly known for making the King Kong remake, which was pretty decent. But I didn’t review that film cause of Peter Jackson at all, cause I was always a fan of the original Kong, having seen it with my dad as a kid.
But anyway, it wasn’t until I finished watching it that I realized the film wasn’t written or directed by Peter Jackson at all. It was written and directed by 2 absolute nobodies, so I checked the front of the movie to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating lol. It actually says “presented by” which means squat to me. He didn’t write it, he didn’t direct it, he didn’t produce it, he just presented it. Congrats Peter, half the box office success is gonna go towards your name alone, even though you had nothing to do with this movie. So anyway, I went into this film expecting something decent, barely having a clue what it was about. I never read the plot summary for new films, but I did watch the trailer for this one.
This is actually one of those movies that has 2 online trailers; The first one is usually a teaser, only showing off a short little clip while the next one shows off more scenes. I’d only seen the first clip, which shows some soldiers flying to this ship (which never happens in the film) and asking an alien a bunch of questions. Not alot of action, but it actually looked kinda cool. And I could imagine the alien leaping up from the chair after getting angry and reeking havoc. From this trailer and the box art, my initial grasp of the plot was that the aliens had landed and the people of the city were surprised at this, but would stop at nothing to get them off their land by whatever it took. Atleast that’s somewhat what I expected with this film, but believe me, it’s nothing like that. The scene in the teaser with them questioning the alien doesn’t even appear in the film, nor do any of the scenes take place on the ship, so they basically scammed me and millions of people with that little clip.
One thing that really ticked me off from the get go, was that the film was shot in this documentary style. I used to think this was a cool way to shoot films, but it actually isn’t. The only 2 films I’ve seen that’ve been able to do this correctly while instilling fear, were Blair Witch and Cloverfield. The rest of the movies that do this are crap. I never knew the film was shot this way, cause again the teaser looked like it was shot with a regular camera, so they pretty much fooled us again with that one (Great job Peter Jackson) You claim to be such a great director but you fool people into watching your (well, not you really yours since you didn’t write it) crap films. Another thing that bugged me, was that we immediately see the aliens in the city walking around. So we can pretty much write off the whole invasion thing, since their already here.
Alot of them are about 10 feet tall, but their not really that menacing. So anyway, most of the film is based off this dude named Wikus, who I’m just gonna call W cause his name is kinda fruity. In alot of the beginning scenes, we see him walking around basically doing nothing and just commenting on random stuff around the city. He tries to be funny, but he’s not. And of course, he’s not in the teaser trailer so again, we were fooled for a 3rd time. He keeps talking about his wife throughout the movie but we never see them together on screen, probably cause she wanted to keep her distance from him. But we do see people throwing him a party in one scene, for who knows what reason, probably to congratulate him for being in a crap film. The cake they give him has this little opening in the back, and it kinda looks like a cardboard box. But who cares, cause he barfs all over it lol.
I forget when, but eventually W gets bitten and starts to morph into one of the alien creatures. This is when I became getting irritated, because by this point it doesn’t even seem the film is based off any alien attack. Most of the film is based off this guy walking around telling lame jokes and complaining. We barely even get a scene of the huge CGI ship that probably took months to computerize. We get a few clips here and there, but it doesn’t move much, and it doesn’t shoot any missiles. I think that would’ve made a great film; to have the ship floating around the city just zapping buildings and blowing up stuff. In one scene W calls his wife and she’s crying on the phone. She probably wants to walk off the set but the director won’t let her, too bad.
The scenes of aliens that we do see aren’t entertaining at all. They give the aliens a few funny things to do; little motions here and there, slapping things out the way, etc. But none of it is amusing cause I wanted something scary. Some news lady does a report on the aliens, saying “the whole world is watching” but I doubt that, they’re probably asleep. We later seeing W eating cat food (don’t ask why) but I think it has something to do with him being bitten. W later begins talking to one of the aliens, and this scene sucks because they don’t even look menacing, and some of them even have kids lol. The aliens of course, speak in another language but half the time the subtitles don’t even appear at the bottom. So for all we know, they could be saying “Why the heck was I built for this movie, the plot sucks and I’m just here for a laugh!”
W later runs into some Jamaican people and the head chief decides he wants to eat his arm lol. I honestly don’t even know why I’m still talking about this film, it’s such an embarrassment. Peter Jackson was probably experimenting with LSD when he came up with (never mind, I keep forgetting he had nothing to do with this film and his name was just used to stir hype) At the end of the film, we see people celebrating in the streets. But it’s obvious their glad the film is finally over and the director can leave their city. I can’t believe he went from King Kong to this crap, it’s so laughable.
I tried my best not to curse while doing this review, so give me some credit. There’s alot of words I wanna use that begin with the letter F believe me, but cursing isn’t my thing. I don’t even know why this film is called District 9, when it barely has anything to do with aliens, or the CGI ship that floats around taking up space. I hate being lured into films like this when they have nothing to do with the box art, or the trailer. On the cover of the movie, one reviewer even says “it’ll blow your mind” and you can definitely count on that. The movie sucks so bad, your gonna feel like your mind is exploding as you watch it.
But anyway, it wasn’t until I finished watching it that I realized the film wasn’t written or directed by Peter Jackson at all. It was written and directed by 2 absolute nobodies, so I checked the front of the movie to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating lol. It actually says “presented by” which means squat to me. He didn’t write it, he didn’t direct it, he didn’t produce it, he just presented it. Congrats Peter, half the box office success is gonna go towards your name alone, even though you had nothing to do with this movie. So anyway, I went into this film expecting something decent, barely having a clue what it was about. I never read the plot summary for new films, but I did watch the trailer for this one.
This is actually one of those movies that has 2 online trailers; The first one is usually a teaser, only showing off a short little clip while the next one shows off more scenes. I’d only seen the first clip, which shows some soldiers flying to this ship (which never happens in the film) and asking an alien a bunch of questions. Not alot of action, but it actually looked kinda cool. And I could imagine the alien leaping up from the chair after getting angry and reeking havoc. From this trailer and the box art, my initial grasp of the plot was that the aliens had landed and the people of the city were surprised at this, but would stop at nothing to get them off their land by whatever it took. Atleast that’s somewhat what I expected with this film, but believe me, it’s nothing like that. The scene in the teaser with them questioning the alien doesn’t even appear in the film, nor do any of the scenes take place on the ship, so they basically scammed me and millions of people with that little clip.
One thing that really ticked me off from the get go, was that the film was shot in this documentary style. I used to think this was a cool way to shoot films, but it actually isn’t. The only 2 films I’ve seen that’ve been able to do this correctly while instilling fear, were Blair Witch and Cloverfield. The rest of the movies that do this are crap. I never knew the film was shot this way, cause again the teaser looked like it was shot with a regular camera, so they pretty much fooled us again with that one (Great job Peter Jackson) You claim to be such a great director but you fool people into watching your (well, not you really yours since you didn’t write it) crap films. Another thing that bugged me, was that we immediately see the aliens in the city walking around. So we can pretty much write off the whole invasion thing, since their already here.
Alot of them are about 10 feet tall, but their not really that menacing. So anyway, most of the film is based off this dude named Wikus, who I’m just gonna call W cause his name is kinda fruity. In alot of the beginning scenes, we see him walking around basically doing nothing and just commenting on random stuff around the city. He tries to be funny, but he’s not. And of course, he’s not in the teaser trailer so again, we were fooled for a 3rd time. He keeps talking about his wife throughout the movie but we never see them together on screen, probably cause she wanted to keep her distance from him. But we do see people throwing him a party in one scene, for who knows what reason, probably to congratulate him for being in a crap film. The cake they give him has this little opening in the back, and it kinda looks like a cardboard box. But who cares, cause he barfs all over it lol.
I forget when, but eventually W gets bitten and starts to morph into one of the alien creatures. This is when I became getting irritated, because by this point it doesn’t even seem the film is based off any alien attack. Most of the film is based off this guy walking around telling lame jokes and complaining. We barely even get a scene of the huge CGI ship that probably took months to computerize. We get a few clips here and there, but it doesn’t move much, and it doesn’t shoot any missiles. I think that would’ve made a great film; to have the ship floating around the city just zapping buildings and blowing up stuff. In one scene W calls his wife and she’s crying on the phone. She probably wants to walk off the set but the director won’t let her, too bad.
The scenes of aliens that we do see aren’t entertaining at all. They give the aliens a few funny things to do; little motions here and there, slapping things out the way, etc. But none of it is amusing cause I wanted something scary. Some news lady does a report on the aliens, saying “the whole world is watching” but I doubt that, they’re probably asleep. We later seeing W eating cat food (don’t ask why) but I think it has something to do with him being bitten. W later begins talking to one of the aliens, and this scene sucks because they don’t even look menacing, and some of them even have kids lol. The aliens of course, speak in another language but half the time the subtitles don’t even appear at the bottom. So for all we know, they could be saying “Why the heck was I built for this movie, the plot sucks and I’m just here for a laugh!”
W later runs into some Jamaican people and the head chief decides he wants to eat his arm lol. I honestly don’t even know why I’m still talking about this film, it’s such an embarrassment. Peter Jackson was probably experimenting with LSD when he came up with (never mind, I keep forgetting he had nothing to do with this film and his name was just used to stir hype) At the end of the film, we see people celebrating in the streets. But it’s obvious their glad the film is finally over and the director can leave their city. I can’t believe he went from King Kong to this crap, it’s so laughable.
I tried my best not to curse while doing this review, so give me some credit. There’s alot of words I wanna use that begin with the letter F believe me, but cursing isn’t my thing. I don’t even know why this film is called District 9, when it barely has anything to do with aliens, or the CGI ship that floats around taking up space. I hate being lured into films like this when they have nothing to do with the box art, or the trailer. On the cover of the movie, one reviewer even says “it’ll blow your mind” and you can definitely count on that. The movie sucks so bad, your gonna feel like your mind is exploding as you watch it.
Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
I catch this movie on cable all the time now and thought, since I’m a horror fan, that it’d be a good movie to review. I’ve never seen any of the Freddy films, besides a few death scenes here and there. Out of the movies posted so far, this is the only movie out of all of them that’s actually given me a headache, and I’ve only seen it in full twice lol! I will say that Nancy is a pretty cute girl in this movie, though she doesn’t really save the film. She reminds me of the girl from MTV’s Awkward (2011) very cute.
The first thing that I hate about this movie is the way these teenagers act. Through the whole film, the way they act just makes me cringe; no convincing at all! Add to that, you can barely hear any them in any of the scenes. Of course, this is supposed to build suspense but, you can’t really hear a word their saying, damn! The camera angles in this film are also bad as they zoom into the characters a bit too much. Freddy makes a few appearances through the film but none of them are spooky. He makes me cringe with pain rather than with freight! His voice and his laugh just make me wanna puke, and the things he says (I could care less about quoting) make me cringe as well.
Nancy’s friend Kris dies a little bit into the film, about 20 minutes or so (as if I was keeping track) I have seen this scene before from the actual first film on one of the horror dvd’s I have, and she dies the same way; gets her body slammed on the ceiling and sliced in the middle of her chest! Her boyfriend Jesse slept by her and when he sees this, he runs to Nancy and tells her what happened. We then get a few scenes of Freddy in the flesh and these scenes do nothing for me. It’s obvious in these scenes the guy playing Freddy is in his 40’s. Why couldn’t they have gotten a younger actor for this movie lol. I just checked IMDB and it says Englund was 56 when he did Freddy vs Jason (2003) I never knew he was that old, but he sure as hell doesn’t look it.
We then get a scene of the townspeople burning Freddy in a house somewhere in Elm Street but we also get back and forth scenes of this kid named Quentin running around in his underwear naked, what the hell! At the end of the movie they end up fighting Freddy and this scene is bad too, along with the close-up camera work! How the hell do directors like these get hired to remake a big movie franchise like this and totally screw up the fighting scenes! Nancy ends up killing him by cutting him at his throat (I forget what weapon she used, nor do I care) Wow was this movie bad!
The first thing that I hate about this movie is the way these teenagers act. Through the whole film, the way they act just makes me cringe; no convincing at all! Add to that, you can barely hear any them in any of the scenes. Of course, this is supposed to build suspense but, you can’t really hear a word their saying, damn! The camera angles in this film are also bad as they zoom into the characters a bit too much. Freddy makes a few appearances through the film but none of them are spooky. He makes me cringe with pain rather than with freight! His voice and his laugh just make me wanna puke, and the things he says (I could care less about quoting) make me cringe as well.
Nancy’s friend Kris dies a little bit into the film, about 20 minutes or so (as if I was keeping track) I have seen this scene before from the actual first film on one of the horror dvd’s I have, and she dies the same way; gets her body slammed on the ceiling and sliced in the middle of her chest! Her boyfriend Jesse slept by her and when he sees this, he runs to Nancy and tells her what happened. We then get a few scenes of Freddy in the flesh and these scenes do nothing for me. It’s obvious in these scenes the guy playing Freddy is in his 40’s. Why couldn’t they have gotten a younger actor for this movie lol. I just checked IMDB and it says Englund was 56 when he did Freddy vs Jason (2003) I never knew he was that old, but he sure as hell doesn’t look it.
We then get a scene of the townspeople burning Freddy in a house somewhere in Elm Street but we also get back and forth scenes of this kid named Quentin running around in his underwear naked, what the hell! At the end of the movie they end up fighting Freddy and this scene is bad too, along with the close-up camera work! How the hell do directors like these get hired to remake a big movie franchise like this and totally screw up the fighting scenes! Nancy ends up killing him by cutting him at his throat (I forget what weapon she used, nor do I care) Wow was this movie bad!
Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)
I already did a bad review of Resident Evil Retribution, so I figured I mind as well finish the series off for good. I’m so sick of being fed these zombie-filled, no story, no character films for a quick buck, so let’s get this over with! The film kinda begins the same way Retribution does; they roll the credits but they mention the distributor Constantine Films about 4 times, and Paul Andersons name is mentioned about 3 times as well, like they want credit for making a crap movie.
We get this little intro of all these Asian people walking around with umbrellas in the rain. It’s all in slow motion of course, so it just looks lame as hell. Alice then does her little intro like she always does, trying to fill us in on a story that repeatedly gets lost with each new film. I don’t get it with these people! No matter how many times she explains this lame story, we forget the whole thing 10 minutes later, so what’s the point! We later get this scene of all these soldiers in one of the rooms here, running around.
Alice soon appears and they all get into a big shootout. But trust me it’s not as amazing as you may think. It’s mostly filled with alot of slow-motion BS that should’ve stayed in the Matrix movies. Eventually she gets killed by getting shot in the back, but later we find out she was clone and now her 3 clones start having a shootout! I swear, watching stuff like this makes me wanna pass out, it’s that lame. Pretty soon the Neo guy escapes on a plane, but Alice somehow makes it on with him. She holds him at gun-point but he turns around and sticks some fluid in her neck. It’s one of those scenes you gotta see for yourself, to understand how lame it looks, but yea.
Later on the 2 of them crash the plane into some mountain, and we see her slowly walking away from the destruction. She should’ve died but, realism doesn’t matter in Paul Anderson’s world. And even if she did die, they’d still have her 3-4 other clones to finish the movie with. 6 months later, we now see Alice flying around in some other plane. I guess the plane crash she had with Neo didn’t have a long-lasting effect on her. She walks around the beach, while also bringing with her this camera and recording this little mission diary. I guess the intro she did in the beginning wasn’t good enough, and she feels she needs to explain more of the story to us, but I really don’t care at this point, it’s Paul Anderson’s fault for not coming up with a decent script!
Eventually she runs into this chick named Claire, who attacks her at first sight! When Alice is able to keep her back, she rips off this little red metal thing around her neck. I remember seeing this in Retribution, and from what I understand (as if I think I do) when you place it on someone, they showcase zombie characteristics. But now that she ripped it off, she’s human now, great. The two of them then get back in the airplane and fly over to this huge building, surrounded by zombies. We get a few shots of the zombies, but not much, something I was disappointed by.
That’s 8 hours in the makeup chair down the toilet lol. She lands the plane on the building here and talks with a few of the people here. I don’t even wanna point anybody out in this scene, cause their all pretty stiff and forgetful. None of them say anything important, none of them are funny, and they all talk in this low, monotone voice. Speak up dammit! I bet Paul Anderson was like “I know none of these people wanna be in my movie but you know what, I gotta get paid!” Alice does tell them she’s from Arcadia but that’s about it, wherever the hell that’s at.
So the 5 of them walk around inside for a bit. We meet some guy in here who’s name I do not know, but he’s locked in a cage. I don’t know if we’re supposed to feel bad for this guy or what, but I don’t. To me he just looks like a dope, and I don’t understand how all this bland acting is supposed to make us have sympathy for these people. Atleast having him locked up in the cage will keep him away from Anderson. Eventually Alice and a couple others make it back to the roof, and they have this big shootout scene at the top. And surprisingly, they actually shoot at zombies, holy cow!
Some of this scene is in slow motion but whatever, it’s still half-decent. And you know what, it’s something Romero should’ve learned to do in his movie, idiot director! Later on Alice meets this big dude with this huge axe in the bathroom. And I’ll admit he’s pretty badass looking, but like I said 100 times over, it’s the same old slow-motion BS scene I’ve seen over and over. It’s probably the worst fight scene I’ve ever seen in a movie thus far! He tries to hit Alice with his huge axe, but he misses like 100 times in a row, what a bonehead! He even throws his axe towards the camera, I guess in an attempt to promote the 3D BS gimmick they had with this movie but unfortunately that didn’t work either!
I can’t believe they wasted a scene like this that could’ve been so badass, ugh! I feel bad for the guy in the costume as well lol. Alice ends up shooting him in the head and killing him, and a bunch of coins fall out all over the floor. Probably Paul Andersons pocket money. Eventually they enter this big white room, where the Umbrella Corporation is located. When they enter, one guy goes “I don’t understand” well I don’t understand either you fool! That line probably wasn’t even in the script lol. Eventually Alice meets the Neo guy again, and the two of them begin talking about something.
And again, it’s basically more stiff acting, more mono-tone. You can barely hear half of what anybody is saying. We get another lame slow motion BS fight scene with a group of dogs. Neo jumps on a plane, but somehow it blows up seconds later. And I don’t understand how the heck he made it into Retributions if he blew up here but I really don’t care. And of course, we get the same lame credits, where the directors name pops up before the actors. And I just wanna say to those guys, congratulations for making a crap movie, if that’s what you guys were trying to accomplish. To be honest this one wasn’t as bad as Retributions but it’s still a crappy zombie-filled movie with lame acting and no story.
We get this little intro of all these Asian people walking around with umbrellas in the rain. It’s all in slow motion of course, so it just looks lame as hell. Alice then does her little intro like she always does, trying to fill us in on a story that repeatedly gets lost with each new film. I don’t get it with these people! No matter how many times she explains this lame story, we forget the whole thing 10 minutes later, so what’s the point! We later get this scene of all these soldiers in one of the rooms here, running around.
Alice soon appears and they all get into a big shootout. But trust me it’s not as amazing as you may think. It’s mostly filled with alot of slow-motion BS that should’ve stayed in the Matrix movies. Eventually she gets killed by getting shot in the back, but later we find out she was clone and now her 3 clones start having a shootout! I swear, watching stuff like this makes me wanna pass out, it’s that lame. Pretty soon the Neo guy escapes on a plane, but Alice somehow makes it on with him. She holds him at gun-point but he turns around and sticks some fluid in her neck. It’s one of those scenes you gotta see for yourself, to understand how lame it looks, but yea.
Later on the 2 of them crash the plane into some mountain, and we see her slowly walking away from the destruction. She should’ve died but, realism doesn’t matter in Paul Anderson’s world. And even if she did die, they’d still have her 3-4 other clones to finish the movie with. 6 months later, we now see Alice flying around in some other plane. I guess the plane crash she had with Neo didn’t have a long-lasting effect on her. She walks around the beach, while also bringing with her this camera and recording this little mission diary. I guess the intro she did in the beginning wasn’t good enough, and she feels she needs to explain more of the story to us, but I really don’t care at this point, it’s Paul Anderson’s fault for not coming up with a decent script!
Eventually she runs into this chick named Claire, who attacks her at first sight! When Alice is able to keep her back, she rips off this little red metal thing around her neck. I remember seeing this in Retribution, and from what I understand (as if I think I do) when you place it on someone, they showcase zombie characteristics. But now that she ripped it off, she’s human now, great. The two of them then get back in the airplane and fly over to this huge building, surrounded by zombies. We get a few shots of the zombies, but not much, something I was disappointed by.
That’s 8 hours in the makeup chair down the toilet lol. She lands the plane on the building here and talks with a few of the people here. I don’t even wanna point anybody out in this scene, cause their all pretty stiff and forgetful. None of them say anything important, none of them are funny, and they all talk in this low, monotone voice. Speak up dammit! I bet Paul Anderson was like “I know none of these people wanna be in my movie but you know what, I gotta get paid!” Alice does tell them she’s from Arcadia but that’s about it, wherever the hell that’s at.
So the 5 of them walk around inside for a bit. We meet some guy in here who’s name I do not know, but he’s locked in a cage. I don’t know if we’re supposed to feel bad for this guy or what, but I don’t. To me he just looks like a dope, and I don’t understand how all this bland acting is supposed to make us have sympathy for these people. Atleast having him locked up in the cage will keep him away from Anderson. Eventually Alice and a couple others make it back to the roof, and they have this big shootout scene at the top. And surprisingly, they actually shoot at zombies, holy cow!
Some of this scene is in slow motion but whatever, it’s still half-decent. And you know what, it’s something Romero should’ve learned to do in his movie, idiot director! Later on Alice meets this big dude with this huge axe in the bathroom. And I’ll admit he’s pretty badass looking, but like I said 100 times over, it’s the same old slow-motion BS scene I’ve seen over and over. It’s probably the worst fight scene I’ve ever seen in a movie thus far! He tries to hit Alice with his huge axe, but he misses like 100 times in a row, what a bonehead! He even throws his axe towards the camera, I guess in an attempt to promote the 3D BS gimmick they had with this movie but unfortunately that didn’t work either!
I can’t believe they wasted a scene like this that could’ve been so badass, ugh! I feel bad for the guy in the costume as well lol. Alice ends up shooting him in the head and killing him, and a bunch of coins fall out all over the floor. Probably Paul Andersons pocket money. Eventually they enter this big white room, where the Umbrella Corporation is located. When they enter, one guy goes “I don’t understand” well I don’t understand either you fool! That line probably wasn’t even in the script lol. Eventually Alice meets the Neo guy again, and the two of them begin talking about something.
And again, it’s basically more stiff acting, more mono-tone. You can barely hear half of what anybody is saying. We get another lame slow motion BS fight scene with a group of dogs. Neo jumps on a plane, but somehow it blows up seconds later. And I don’t understand how the heck he made it into Retributions if he blew up here but I really don’t care. And of course, we get the same lame credits, where the directors name pops up before the actors. And I just wanna say to those guys, congratulations for making a crap movie, if that’s what you guys were trying to accomplish. To be honest this one wasn’t as bad as Retributions but it’s still a crappy zombie-filled movie with lame acting and no story.
Big Mommas House (2011)
I catch this movie many times on cable and probably within the first 10 seconds of seeing it, I could tell this was bad. The first one was decent; not great, but decent. This one wasn’t any better, though I will say some scenes made me giggle; made me laugh and cringe at the same time, which is a weird combination lol. Mainly, this film is about Martin and the relationship with his son Trent as he prepares him for college. His son wants to be a rapper, but Martin wants him to go to college and study or whatever.
We see Trent’s friends through the film, one of em I recognize is the same kid from Stuart Little 2 (2002) but a little older. Mainly, one dude says they gotta find this flash drive and it’s hidden in a school. We immediately see both of em in their costumes and arriving at the school, which I think was a bit too rushed. In none of the scenes in the movie, do we see them transforming into their costumes with the makeup and masks and whatnot. Their also chased through the film by these 3 FBI dudes, 2 of em who look like Draco Malfoy clones (from Harry Potter) I only own the first 3 movies, so I don’t think I’ll be reviewing those.
I think it’s a decent series, but besides all the magic and whatnot, it does have a very cheesy vibe, something I don’t like. Half the reason I love the movies is cause of Hermione, but that’s a whole other story. I will say that there are 3 girls / women in this movie who are very cute; Haley, Jasmine, and the principle, Gail. They kept me awake through parts of this film. There’s also this big black guy (not credited on IMDB) that flirts with Big Momma through the film but none of it is funny. I’ve seen him in a few other roles and I don’t know what his problem is. In all his roles, he’s either dancing with someone or taking his clothes off, which is very annoying.
As for the ending, come to think of it, it's one of the few movies where the guy doesn't get the girl in the end. And with a movie like this, I can definitely see why. The only cool part in the film is the part where after Trent is rapping, Haley begins playing the piano and singing a bit. I kinda like the way she sings, some really nice belting here. I forget what song it is, but who cares. Other than that, this movie was horrible and I’ll gladly say I won’t be watching it again!
We see Trent’s friends through the film, one of em I recognize is the same kid from Stuart Little 2 (2002) but a little older. Mainly, one dude says they gotta find this flash drive and it’s hidden in a school. We immediately see both of em in their costumes and arriving at the school, which I think was a bit too rushed. In none of the scenes in the movie, do we see them transforming into their costumes with the makeup and masks and whatnot. Their also chased through the film by these 3 FBI dudes, 2 of em who look like Draco Malfoy clones (from Harry Potter) I only own the first 3 movies, so I don’t think I’ll be reviewing those.
I think it’s a decent series, but besides all the magic and whatnot, it does have a very cheesy vibe, something I don’t like. Half the reason I love the movies is cause of Hermione, but that’s a whole other story. I will say that there are 3 girls / women in this movie who are very cute; Haley, Jasmine, and the principle, Gail. They kept me awake through parts of this film. There’s also this big black guy (not credited on IMDB) that flirts with Big Momma through the film but none of it is funny. I’ve seen him in a few other roles and I don’t know what his problem is. In all his roles, he’s either dancing with someone or taking his clothes off, which is very annoying.
As for the ending, come to think of it, it's one of the few movies where the guy doesn't get the girl in the end. And with a movie like this, I can definitely see why. The only cool part in the film is the part where after Trent is rapping, Haley begins playing the piano and singing a bit. I kinda like the way she sings, some really nice belting here. I forget what song it is, but who cares. Other than that, this movie was horrible and I’ll gladly say I won’t be watching it again!
Fright Night (2011)
I remember seeing the trailer for this film and being pretty excited about it. I’m not into vampires that much, but the trailer still grabbed my attention. Colin Farrell plays a vampire in this film. He was very good in Phonebooth (2002) so it was nice seeing him again. In that movie he plays a deceiving, skinny wimp lawyer but in this film it’s the exact opposite; a bigger built, clean-cut looking vampire. But besides his look (and being the section that this is) obviously I had some problems with this film.
My first problem is the bland teenage characters. There’s about 5 of em (including the 2 main characters of course) but their all boring, and none of the dialogue they use is engaging at all. One looks like Zac Efron, and they also include the dude from Superbad (2007) a film that makes me wanna rip my hair out cause jokes about genitals are passed around every 5 seconds. In one scene, one of em mentions that their 16 and I never understood this with films like this. I can’t really pick out a specific teen film, since I can’t remember exactly what grade they use. But I have seen many teen films where they get older actors (that look like teenagers) to play high school roles and they always use 16 as an age. They never use 18 for some silly reason, which I think would work better since they still look their age in some ways.
The vampire’s name is Jerry (which I think is a stupid name to give a vampire) and no surprise here, his first victim is the nerd from Superbad. I could tell after this scene, this movie was going straight into the dumpster. Another problem I have with this film, is not only could the death scenes have been a bit bloodier, their too spread out; one kill every 20 minutes. So the pacing of the film definitely gets killed with that. We also meet this vampire magician dude named Vincent, who wears this stupid looking goth outfit. He reminds me of Russell Brand; cause not only is he from England, but nothing he says is amusing nor funny.
This movie could’ve definitely been a lot better, if they took out all the cheesiness and made it a bit grittier. There is one scene in the film that I like though, camera wise. There’s this scene where Charley and his mother are being chased by Jerry in her car. But what I like about this sequence, is how the whole scene is done in one take, as the camera spins around the car in a circle. I thought that was cool. Still, this movie kinda put me to sleep.
My first problem is the bland teenage characters. There’s about 5 of em (including the 2 main characters of course) but their all boring, and none of the dialogue they use is engaging at all. One looks like Zac Efron, and they also include the dude from Superbad (2007) a film that makes me wanna rip my hair out cause jokes about genitals are passed around every 5 seconds. In one scene, one of em mentions that their 16 and I never understood this with films like this. I can’t really pick out a specific teen film, since I can’t remember exactly what grade they use. But I have seen many teen films where they get older actors (that look like teenagers) to play high school roles and they always use 16 as an age. They never use 18 for some silly reason, which I think would work better since they still look their age in some ways.
The vampire’s name is Jerry (which I think is a stupid name to give a vampire) and no surprise here, his first victim is the nerd from Superbad. I could tell after this scene, this movie was going straight into the dumpster. Another problem I have with this film, is not only could the death scenes have been a bit bloodier, their too spread out; one kill every 20 minutes. So the pacing of the film definitely gets killed with that. We also meet this vampire magician dude named Vincent, who wears this stupid looking goth outfit. He reminds me of Russell Brand; cause not only is he from England, but nothing he says is amusing nor funny.
This movie could’ve definitely been a lot better, if they took out all the cheesiness and made it a bit grittier. There is one scene in the film that I like though, camera wise. There’s this scene where Charley and his mother are being chased by Jerry in her car. But what I like about this sequence, is how the whole scene is done in one take, as the camera spins around the car in a circle. I thought that was cool. Still, this movie kinda put me to sleep.
Insidious (2011)
I’ve been wanting to do this film for awhile, cause it looked interesting to me. The cover looked pretty cool, with the evil looking kid on the front. I didn’t see the trailer (big mistake) but I imagined this movie being about an evil kid running around reeking havoc, but obviously that’s not the case. The beginning of the movie starts off pretty well, even though I always felt it was a cheesy setup; the mother stays home with the kids while the father goes to work, comes home, says 2 words to the wife and goes to bed. It’s one of the cheesiest things to do in a movie, and these scenes really make me cringe.
The actors themselves are pretty decent, but that’s not my main problem. A big problem I have with this film, is that so so-called evil child on the front cover of the film isn’t even evil! He somehow becomes sick about 20 minutes into the film after falling off a ladder (please don’t ask why or how this makes sense) so the parents take him to a hospital. So he’s pretty much in a coma for the rest of the movie, or up until to the point I stopped watching this film cause it was just headache-enduring. If you don’t know by now, I hate exorcism / religious type movies cause they all suck and aren’t scary at all.
The front cover of the movie also says it was made by the same people that made the Saw and Paranormal Activity movies, which means squat to me cause I’m not really into those films. The first Saw was okay, but the rest were too gory for me. But I was never into the Paranormal movies cause they just didn’t look scary at all. I was actually thinking about reviewing this movie the decent way, up until the point where this old lady arrived, and this is pretty much where my head couldn’t take it anymore. She arrives and just starts talking alot of spiritual crap about the boy being in a coma, which isn’t scary at all and just straight up boring.
There’s also this scene where she goes into the boys room and yells at the wall like a retard, while some other guy draws a picture next to her, which again makes zero sense to me and is just stupid to watch. She then sits down with the family and tells them “it’s not your son that’s haunted, it’s his spirit” and then 5 seconds later she says “but his body is haunted” Well which one is it! The mother says she doesn’t understand and neither do I lol. The old lady then says “The demon is on a mission to cause pain” and there’s no denying that. I’ve already been put through enough pain sitting through this crap. I wish they took out all the religious spooky nonsense and just made this film simpler. They could’ve just given us a basic slasher film with the little boy being possessed, running around the house stabbing people but no, all I got was this garbage.
Next they all sit around a table and the old lady puts this helmet on her head and at this point, I just couldn’t take it anymore lol. Very rarely when watching a bad movie, do I not watch the entire film but this one was an exception. I don’t really care how it ends, or if the boy is saved, or about anybody else who participated in this junk heap of a movie. I should’ve watched the trailer, so that was my fault but it was nice ripping this movie to shreds. Hollywood needs to stop giving us these boring, un-scary religious movies cause they all suck. They even compare this movie to The Exorcist on the front cover, saying it’s “terrifying” But I think I speak for most horror fans when I say that when you grow up watching these movies as a kid, barely anything these days can make you jump out of your seat. Especially if it’s watered down with boring, religious garbage like this film!
The actors themselves are pretty decent, but that’s not my main problem. A big problem I have with this film, is that so so-called evil child on the front cover of the film isn’t even evil! He somehow becomes sick about 20 minutes into the film after falling off a ladder (please don’t ask why or how this makes sense) so the parents take him to a hospital. So he’s pretty much in a coma for the rest of the movie, or up until to the point I stopped watching this film cause it was just headache-enduring. If you don’t know by now, I hate exorcism / religious type movies cause they all suck and aren’t scary at all.
The front cover of the movie also says it was made by the same people that made the Saw and Paranormal Activity movies, which means squat to me cause I’m not really into those films. The first Saw was okay, but the rest were too gory for me. But I was never into the Paranormal movies cause they just didn’t look scary at all. I was actually thinking about reviewing this movie the decent way, up until the point where this old lady arrived, and this is pretty much where my head couldn’t take it anymore. She arrives and just starts talking alot of spiritual crap about the boy being in a coma, which isn’t scary at all and just straight up boring.
There’s also this scene where she goes into the boys room and yells at the wall like a retard, while some other guy draws a picture next to her, which again makes zero sense to me and is just stupid to watch. She then sits down with the family and tells them “it’s not your son that’s haunted, it’s his spirit” and then 5 seconds later she says “but his body is haunted” Well which one is it! The mother says she doesn’t understand and neither do I lol. The old lady then says “The demon is on a mission to cause pain” and there’s no denying that. I’ve already been put through enough pain sitting through this crap. I wish they took out all the religious spooky nonsense and just made this film simpler. They could’ve just given us a basic slasher film with the little boy being possessed, running around the house stabbing people but no, all I got was this garbage.
Next they all sit around a table and the old lady puts this helmet on her head and at this point, I just couldn’t take it anymore lol. Very rarely when watching a bad movie, do I not watch the entire film but this one was an exception. I don’t really care how it ends, or if the boy is saved, or about anybody else who participated in this junk heap of a movie. I should’ve watched the trailer, so that was my fault but it was nice ripping this movie to shreds. Hollywood needs to stop giving us these boring, un-scary religious movies cause they all suck. They even compare this movie to The Exorcist on the front cover, saying it’s “terrifying” But I think I speak for most horror fans when I say that when you grow up watching these movies as a kid, barely anything these days can make you jump out of your seat. Especially if it’s watered down with boring, religious garbage like this film!
The Divide (2011)
I didn’t watch the full trailer for this movie (my mistake) but I guess it’s cause I didn’t wanna spoil anything. But from what I saw, it looked like a pretty decent apocalyptic film, with only 6-7 characters. The beginning starts off pretty good, with the woman staring out the window while the world begins to crumble. Immediately after this scene, we see about 8 people running into a room below the ground to safety. I hate when films start like this, I really do. We don’t even know who these people are (no intro for any of them) and we immediately see them running into the building. We don’t know who these people are, or their personality, so you can’t really have any sympathy for them.
The main guy in this film, is a man named Mickey. It actually took me awhile to recognize him from The Terminator, cause seeing him act like a tough guy is so cheesy. So we mainly get alot of complaining in this scene; some wanna get out, some are hungry, etc. But again, I can’t have pity for these people cause the film started too fast. You can definitely tell it was made on a low budget, cause besides the first 10 seconds of the film we never get anymore clips of what’s going on outside. Mickey then begins to explain everything about the underground lair their in, like he’s been here before. Or maybe he has, but I could care less either way cause it looks like a dump.
In a later scene, he flips out by giving us an example of his horrible acting, and scares this little girl. But to cheer her up, he does that stupid magic finger trick where you remove your thumb. It’s one of the lamest magic tricks in the book, but I know kids are fooled by it. But given the fact that this film is rated r, 90% of the people in the theaters know it’s lame, so I don’t know why they torture us with it. As much as I love orchestral music, this film has too much of it in the beginning. Every 5 minutes the film breaks into this long boring music segment where they zoom around all the characters. Like the director is only now trying to get us to relate to them. It’s too late for that bro, you should’ve done that in the beginning.
Not only is the guy from Terminator in this film, but the son from Rocky Balboa is here too. I guess the director felt if he put guys like that in his film, he’d get some type of credit. Well no, he gets no credit cause the film still sucks. We later find out Mickey has the combination to some lock in the lair, so it’s obvious by now that he owns this junk heap. So 2 of the guys torture him for a bit and some of this is pretty graphic, even too much for me to handle. There’s a big difference between being graphic, and being scary. Being graphic is worse, cause if I have to cover my eyes for a particular scene, you’re not really accomplishing anything. But who cares about the vault combination. Inside was probably a list of the actors that turned down this pile of junk film.
The second half of the movie is so ludicrous, as it’s not even about getting out of the underground lair. 2 of the men shave their heads, and begin wearing skirts. I don’t even wanna review this part, cause this film was just plain torture, and completely random. One of them takes a lamp, crashes it down on the ground in front of him (I don’t know what he was aiming at) and sets himself on fire. But as dumb as this scene looks, I kinda like seeing people on fire. But the flames were probably done with CGI, since he does have his shirt off and you can’t really get around that one. At the end of the film, one of the girls finally gets out and walks around the city a bit. The entire city even looks CGI, but it’s kinda cool lookin. You could’ve definitely taken the first and last minute of this film and made a decent clip out of it. Cause everything in between is just stupid, horrible, painful, and about 97 other words I could throw in here but I can’t find my dictionary.
The main guy in this film, is a man named Mickey. It actually took me awhile to recognize him from The Terminator, cause seeing him act like a tough guy is so cheesy. So we mainly get alot of complaining in this scene; some wanna get out, some are hungry, etc. But again, I can’t have pity for these people cause the film started too fast. You can definitely tell it was made on a low budget, cause besides the first 10 seconds of the film we never get anymore clips of what’s going on outside. Mickey then begins to explain everything about the underground lair their in, like he’s been here before. Or maybe he has, but I could care less either way cause it looks like a dump.
In a later scene, he flips out by giving us an example of his horrible acting, and scares this little girl. But to cheer her up, he does that stupid magic finger trick where you remove your thumb. It’s one of the lamest magic tricks in the book, but I know kids are fooled by it. But given the fact that this film is rated r, 90% of the people in the theaters know it’s lame, so I don’t know why they torture us with it. As much as I love orchestral music, this film has too much of it in the beginning. Every 5 minutes the film breaks into this long boring music segment where they zoom around all the characters. Like the director is only now trying to get us to relate to them. It’s too late for that bro, you should’ve done that in the beginning.
Not only is the guy from Terminator in this film, but the son from Rocky Balboa is here too. I guess the director felt if he put guys like that in his film, he’d get some type of credit. Well no, he gets no credit cause the film still sucks. We later find out Mickey has the combination to some lock in the lair, so it’s obvious by now that he owns this junk heap. So 2 of the guys torture him for a bit and some of this is pretty graphic, even too much for me to handle. There’s a big difference between being graphic, and being scary. Being graphic is worse, cause if I have to cover my eyes for a particular scene, you’re not really accomplishing anything. But who cares about the vault combination. Inside was probably a list of the actors that turned down this pile of junk film.
The second half of the movie is so ludicrous, as it’s not even about getting out of the underground lair. 2 of the men shave their heads, and begin wearing skirts. I don’t even wanna review this part, cause this film was just plain torture, and completely random. One of them takes a lamp, crashes it down on the ground in front of him (I don’t know what he was aiming at) and sets himself on fire. But as dumb as this scene looks, I kinda like seeing people on fire. But the flames were probably done with CGI, since he does have his shirt off and you can’t really get around that one. At the end of the film, one of the girls finally gets out and walks around the city a bit. The entire city even looks CGI, but it’s kinda cool lookin. You could’ve definitely taken the first and last minute of this film and made a decent clip out of it. Cause everything in between is just stupid, horrible, painful, and about 97 other words I could throw in here but I can’t find my dictionary.
Tower Heist (2011)
I remember seeing the trailer for this film on tv. I’m not really the type to search for comedy films to review, but Eddie Murphy was in it, so I felt it was worth a watch. I caught it on cable one day and not even 2 minutes into the film, I began to get a headache because the dialogue was so cheesy. There’s alot of little jokes the characters like to sneak in here and there but none of them are funny, and they end up dragging the film on and on with it.
I noticed at the start of the film, that it was directed by Brett Ratner, who I think made the Rush Hour movies. But as cool as those films are, it doesn’t lift this film from the dirt one bit. The main theme of this film revolves around stealing millions of dollars from a bank, and they keep mentioning this old dude named Shaw (who Josh likes to play internet chess with, don’t ask why) The first 20 minutes of this film is so hard to follow; so many names being thrown around, so many numbers, alot of walking around the hotel building. That combined with the cheesy dialogue, looking at Charlie talk as if he has a hard time shutting his mouth, like there’s an invisible clamp between his lips. And the dude from the crap remake of Godzilla, this film was too much for me to handle.
In one scene they mention the old dude has his own island. Well that’s good, now he can take the whole cast and crew (and whoever wrote this film) to the island and away from us. The woman from Bad Boys is here, which was another cheesy film so this one wasn’t surprising. We later get this scene of Shaw showing off his car, which he says cost him a million bucks, and that he wouldn’t sell it for 10 times as much. You get the feeling this guy is rich, and it boggles the mind how someone as rich as him would even care about money. 10 million on top of 50 million doesn’t really mean anything, especially when your in your 60’s and probably won’t live long enough spend half of it.
Not only the cheesy dialogue, but the jokes in this film are weird as well. Especially in the beginning, they make alot of jokes about balls and private parts, which I never understood the humor behind. They did this in Superbad alot, and it grossed me out rather than made me laugh. Eddie Murphy is in the film, which is probably the main reason why people wanna come to see this joke of a film. He’s decent, but nothing spectacular. In his first scene he gets picked up by Charlie and their first scene together is so cringe-worthy, cause they drag the scene out with these lame jokes and I swear, listening to it makes me wanna bite my tongue. One thing I learned from this film though, was I never knew that Eddie was 50 years old.
I thought about this as I was watching the film, especially in the scene where he’s in a suit and he’s talking to this one guy. You can tell he’s balding slightly, so I looked him up and found out that he was 50 when he did this film. He’s one of the few actors that don’t seem to age a bit, so that’s cool. Another aspect of this film that I like, is the fact that it takes place in New York. Especially at the end (the part of the film I couldn’t wait for) we get many shots of the city, and it reminds me of my time playing Grand Theft Auto IV. Sometimes I miss it, but I knew I had to move on eventually. Other than that, the rest of the film is waste of time. I can’t believe Eddie decided to make this film. I know he only did it for the paycheck, which I can’t blame him for.
I noticed at the start of the film, that it was directed by Brett Ratner, who I think made the Rush Hour movies. But as cool as those films are, it doesn’t lift this film from the dirt one bit. The main theme of this film revolves around stealing millions of dollars from a bank, and they keep mentioning this old dude named Shaw (who Josh likes to play internet chess with, don’t ask why) The first 20 minutes of this film is so hard to follow; so many names being thrown around, so many numbers, alot of walking around the hotel building. That combined with the cheesy dialogue, looking at Charlie talk as if he has a hard time shutting his mouth, like there’s an invisible clamp between his lips. And the dude from the crap remake of Godzilla, this film was too much for me to handle.
In one scene they mention the old dude has his own island. Well that’s good, now he can take the whole cast and crew (and whoever wrote this film) to the island and away from us. The woman from Bad Boys is here, which was another cheesy film so this one wasn’t surprising. We later get this scene of Shaw showing off his car, which he says cost him a million bucks, and that he wouldn’t sell it for 10 times as much. You get the feeling this guy is rich, and it boggles the mind how someone as rich as him would even care about money. 10 million on top of 50 million doesn’t really mean anything, especially when your in your 60’s and probably won’t live long enough spend half of it.
Not only the cheesy dialogue, but the jokes in this film are weird as well. Especially in the beginning, they make alot of jokes about balls and private parts, which I never understood the humor behind. They did this in Superbad alot, and it grossed me out rather than made me laugh. Eddie Murphy is in the film, which is probably the main reason why people wanna come to see this joke of a film. He’s decent, but nothing spectacular. In his first scene he gets picked up by Charlie and their first scene together is so cringe-worthy, cause they drag the scene out with these lame jokes and I swear, listening to it makes me wanna bite my tongue. One thing I learned from this film though, was I never knew that Eddie was 50 years old.
I thought about this as I was watching the film, especially in the scene where he’s in a suit and he’s talking to this one guy. You can tell he’s balding slightly, so I looked him up and found out that he was 50 when he did this film. He’s one of the few actors that don’t seem to age a bit, so that’s cool. Another aspect of this film that I like, is the fact that it takes place in New York. Especially at the end (the part of the film I couldn’t wait for) we get many shots of the city, and it reminds me of my time playing Grand Theft Auto IV. Sometimes I miss it, but I knew I had to move on eventually. Other than that, the rest of the film is waste of time. I can’t believe Eddie decided to make this film. I know he only did it for the paycheck, which I can’t blame him for.
Trespass (2011)
My mother recently bought this movie on dvd, so I figured I’d give it a watch. She told me she got it from some dollar store, and considering the movie only came out a couple years ago, for it to only be worth a dollar kinda sends up a red flag lol. I actually did see the trailer for this movie at one point way before this, but didn’t feel it was anything special. But since she bought it, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to check it out. But turns out the movie is just like the trailer; silly, nothing special and it pretty much wasted my time.
The movie revolves around a couple in their late 40’s taking care of their daughter. The concept is pretty cheesy; the parents are in business suits and the daughter comes off like a rebellious teenager type. She tells them she wants to hang out with her friends but her father says it involves boys and she’s too young and whatnot. On one hand it’s understandable but on the other, pretty cheesy and I hate parents who put limits like that on their kids. My mother is the exact same way, even in my 20’s so I know how it feels, trust me.
So anyway, she ends up sneaking out and hitching a ride with a friend of hers, who takes her to one of those teen parties. Pretty soon burglars show up back at the house; they bust through the house and take both parents hostage. It’s not as gripping as I thought it’d be, but I kinda suspected that. There’s 4 of them, and one girl, and I’m not gonna get into specific names cause their not really that entertaining. But they basically want money from some safe they know the father has somewhere in the house. A pretty unoriginal premise so far, but I’m still cutting slack up until this point.
So the main burglar (whatever his name is) kinda tortures the father for a bit, trying to get him to give up the password to the safe. But this is the scene that kinda did it for me, and kinda killed all the intensity (if there ever was any) The two of them bicker and argue for like 10 minutes straight over this dumb safe, and it’s so funny! I can’t go into specifics (probably cause I dozed off) but the two of them go back and forth over opening the safe, what happens if the father doesn’t open it, what company he works for, how much is inside, etc and it just sounds lame!
When you have scenes like this, it shouldn’t last that long cause it kills alot of the suspense. At one point even the father goes off into this huge 30 second monologue where he tells the robbers what would happen if they hurt him or whatever, and it’s so funny to watch! I didn’t keep track but this scene goes on for about an hour, literally! So by this point the vibe is pretty much killed. Eventually they do manage to get the safe open, only to find out that it’s empty, holy cow. I literally wanted to bang my head against a desk, cause this is ridiculous.
Then the father goes on to say that he lost his job and turned into a “hustler” I can’t remember if he uses the word “hustle” or “hustler” but he does use one of those words, so yea. While this is going on we do get clips of the daughter at the party. It’s pretty cheesy, seeing guys flirt with her and using these lame pick-up lines. Eventually she decides to go back home and when she comes inside, the robbers take her too. Again there isn’t much that happens in these scenes. Alot of them involve more talking, and the robbers pointing a gun at the father and his wife.
They already found out there wasn’t any money in the safe so I don’t know why they don’t just move on to the next house. But then again doing that would make the movie pointless and too realistic, the hell was I thinking. Later on the daughter and female robber get into a car together, randomly I guess. Maybe they wanna go shopping or something. But the daughter ends up crashing the car on purpose into a tree, which kinda looks like a stupid scene. Her intentions were to obviously kill her but I don’t see how she’s not injured, since she was in the same damn car!
At the end of the movie, the father and one of the thieves end up in some bunker. By this point, he’s been beaten pretty badly, and so has the mother. Up until this point she’s mostly been thrown around the house by the 2 other thieves. At one point the father is lying on the ground while the other guy is distracted by the cash on the floor (guess there WAS some money after all, somewhere) But while he’s distracted, he takes out a match from his pocket (I’m guessing he’s a smoker) and throws it on the some gasoline next to him!
Everything around them is on fire, but it never catches on anybody cause again realism doesn’t count in this movie. I can’t believe the fire didn’t get on the father, since he’s laying on the floor for crying out loud. Reminds of that scene from The Grudge (2004) Distracted by the fire, it somehow gives him the chance to grab a gun and shoot the guy in the neck! At the end, the family makes it out the house and hug and all that cheesy stuff. The house burns down too, boo hoo.
And it’s even more sad when you realize that (according to the father) he was a hustler and wasn’t making any money. So now that his house is burned down I wonder what they’re gonna do next. Not that I care, but the movie ends right here with them on the ground outside, and we never find out if they buy another house or if they go to the hospital to heal their cuts and bruises. This was obviously a low budget movie, but it’s still a pretty lame movie. Just cause it’s low budget doesn’t mean you fill it with stupidity and scenes that would never (not even in a movie) happen in real life.
I wanna say this was money well spent, but it’s more like, you get what you paid for. There was a reason this movie was only sold for a dollar, and now I know why. I can’t really say I’m disappointed cause I was never intending on watching this movie, cause the concept was kinda cheesy. But I’m glad I saw it, and it always feels good to dump on movies like this. Another big problem I had was the lame back-story. I actually enjoy back-story in certain movies, but it just doesn’t work in a movie like this with characters we don’t even care about. There’s like 10 scenes that pop up throughout the movie of what happened between the wife and one of the thieves but you really don’t care for them, cause the characters are dull as pop-sickle sticks.
The movie revolves around a couple in their late 40’s taking care of their daughter. The concept is pretty cheesy; the parents are in business suits and the daughter comes off like a rebellious teenager type. She tells them she wants to hang out with her friends but her father says it involves boys and she’s too young and whatnot. On one hand it’s understandable but on the other, pretty cheesy and I hate parents who put limits like that on their kids. My mother is the exact same way, even in my 20’s so I know how it feels, trust me.
So anyway, she ends up sneaking out and hitching a ride with a friend of hers, who takes her to one of those teen parties. Pretty soon burglars show up back at the house; they bust through the house and take both parents hostage. It’s not as gripping as I thought it’d be, but I kinda suspected that. There’s 4 of them, and one girl, and I’m not gonna get into specific names cause their not really that entertaining. But they basically want money from some safe they know the father has somewhere in the house. A pretty unoriginal premise so far, but I’m still cutting slack up until this point.
So the main burglar (whatever his name is) kinda tortures the father for a bit, trying to get him to give up the password to the safe. But this is the scene that kinda did it for me, and kinda killed all the intensity (if there ever was any) The two of them bicker and argue for like 10 minutes straight over this dumb safe, and it’s so funny! I can’t go into specifics (probably cause I dozed off) but the two of them go back and forth over opening the safe, what happens if the father doesn’t open it, what company he works for, how much is inside, etc and it just sounds lame!
When you have scenes like this, it shouldn’t last that long cause it kills alot of the suspense. At one point even the father goes off into this huge 30 second monologue where he tells the robbers what would happen if they hurt him or whatever, and it’s so funny to watch! I didn’t keep track but this scene goes on for about an hour, literally! So by this point the vibe is pretty much killed. Eventually they do manage to get the safe open, only to find out that it’s empty, holy cow. I literally wanted to bang my head against a desk, cause this is ridiculous.
Then the father goes on to say that he lost his job and turned into a “hustler” I can’t remember if he uses the word “hustle” or “hustler” but he does use one of those words, so yea. While this is going on we do get clips of the daughter at the party. It’s pretty cheesy, seeing guys flirt with her and using these lame pick-up lines. Eventually she decides to go back home and when she comes inside, the robbers take her too. Again there isn’t much that happens in these scenes. Alot of them involve more talking, and the robbers pointing a gun at the father and his wife.
They already found out there wasn’t any money in the safe so I don’t know why they don’t just move on to the next house. But then again doing that would make the movie pointless and too realistic, the hell was I thinking. Later on the daughter and female robber get into a car together, randomly I guess. Maybe they wanna go shopping or something. But the daughter ends up crashing the car on purpose into a tree, which kinda looks like a stupid scene. Her intentions were to obviously kill her but I don’t see how she’s not injured, since she was in the same damn car!
At the end of the movie, the father and one of the thieves end up in some bunker. By this point, he’s been beaten pretty badly, and so has the mother. Up until this point she’s mostly been thrown around the house by the 2 other thieves. At one point the father is lying on the ground while the other guy is distracted by the cash on the floor (guess there WAS some money after all, somewhere) But while he’s distracted, he takes out a match from his pocket (I’m guessing he’s a smoker) and throws it on the some gasoline next to him!
Everything around them is on fire, but it never catches on anybody cause again realism doesn’t count in this movie. I can’t believe the fire didn’t get on the father, since he’s laying on the floor for crying out loud. Reminds of that scene from The Grudge (2004) Distracted by the fire, it somehow gives him the chance to grab a gun and shoot the guy in the neck! At the end, the family makes it out the house and hug and all that cheesy stuff. The house burns down too, boo hoo.
And it’s even more sad when you realize that (according to the father) he was a hustler and wasn’t making any money. So now that his house is burned down I wonder what they’re gonna do next. Not that I care, but the movie ends right here with them on the ground outside, and we never find out if they buy another house or if they go to the hospital to heal their cuts and bruises. This was obviously a low budget movie, but it’s still a pretty lame movie. Just cause it’s low budget doesn’t mean you fill it with stupidity and scenes that would never (not even in a movie) happen in real life.
I wanna say this was money well spent, but it’s more like, you get what you paid for. There was a reason this movie was only sold for a dollar, and now I know why. I can’t really say I’m disappointed cause I was never intending on watching this movie, cause the concept was kinda cheesy. But I’m glad I saw it, and it always feels good to dump on movies like this. Another big problem I had was the lame back-story. I actually enjoy back-story in certain movies, but it just doesn’t work in a movie like this with characters we don’t even care about. There’s like 10 scenes that pop up throughout the movie of what happened between the wife and one of the thieves but you really don’t care for them, cause the characters are dull as pop-sickle sticks.
Citadel (2012)
I remember first seeing the trailer for this film around the time of it’s release. I even made a news post about it, and said that it looked decent enough to watch, had I ever got my hands on it. To me it just looked like an average thriller, where some teenager was being chased by a bunch of zombies, so I expected something decent. Truth is, that’s only half the story, and the movie was worse than I thought!
The beginning of the movie really did it for me, so let’s get that out the way first. We meet a couple early on, and we come to the conclusion that the 2 of them are having a baby. The guys name is Tommy, but the girls name is irrelevant, and here’s why. Not even 3 minutes later, we see him going to the elevator to get it ready or whatever, and he even gets inside. But through the window of the elevator (which I didn’t even know existed) he sees his girlfriend getting attacked by what looks like a bunch of 15 year old kids!
He tries to yank the door open but accidentally hits the “down” button and goes down lol. You retard! This really did it for me, cause we’re not even 5 minutes into the movie by this point. We later see her getting rushed to the hospital and honestly, I could really care less. I hate when movies start suspense so quickly in a film, we don’t even know who these characters are at this point. I don’t understand how they expect us to feel bad for her, or Tommy, when something like this happens so early in the film!
So anyway, in the coming scenes we see Tommy trying to deal with her death, while taking care of the baby. During the little scuffle, one of them ended up stabbing her in the belly with a knife. So I thought the baby died in the scuffle but truth is, it’s still alive. Which is kinda cool, but alot of my sympathy for this guy is still thrown out the window. We later see him going through a couple therapy sessions where this woman gets him to walk around a circle like an idiot and repeat these little lines to overcome his fear. It looks stupid as hell, especially given that again, we could care less about him!
In the coming scenes, we see him carrying the baby around in the little stroller. We also get alot of scenes showing his paranoia, and refusal to go certain places cause it reminds him of what happened to his girlfriend. To me he just looks like a wimp! We also get scenes of him walking around his house with the baby, still showing examples of his paranoia. In one scene, he sees a couple kids outside his window in grey hoodies. We never get a good, close-up look at them, but we can tell one of them is looking inside the house. I’ll admit it’s kinda spooky, but let’s get real hear.
Tommy looks like he’s 25, they look like their 15, grow up! Stop being a wimp, go outside and tell them to get off your porch! Later on Tommy meets this black girl, who’s name isn’t credited on imdb. And I don’t wanna keep calling her “the black girl” cause that might sound offensive, so I’ll just call her Sara lol. He hooks up with Sara in the coming scenes and she helps him with the baby, lets him stay by her house, etc. She also tries to get him to be brave and stop acting like a wimp, trying to get him to overcome his fear of going outside. It’s lame as hell cause we’re almost halfway through the film by this point, he should’ve gotten over this fear by now, wimp!
Eventually the kids with the hoods find him and his baby on a bus, and attack him. The bus driver is no help cause he’s an old fossil, so he runs off. They take the baby and run off to this warehouse looking place. Tommy later hooks up with some old fat dude and some little kid who turns out to be blind, and trust me, a team like this isn’t gonna do him much justice. The 3 of them travel to the apartments and try to find his baby. As expected, the fat guy ends up getting eaten by the kid zombies, and Tommy and the little kid (who’s blind remember) rig the building with explosives and it explodes, in all it’s low-budget glory!
I had high expectations for this film, but was sadly let down. Again, the main thing that kills this film is the girlfriend dying so early on and the repeated examples of Tommy being a wimp throughout the movie, like we as the audience forgot about the whole thing. But keep in mind, this review doesn’t reflect how I feel about single parents or anything like that, it’s just a crappy movie lol. My heart goes out to any single parents out there (especially mothers) who are forced to raise their kid on their own. This movie could’ve really brought that subject to the forefront and made it very emotional, but instead all they did was feed us a load of cheesy, lame acted garbage!
The beginning of the movie really did it for me, so let’s get that out the way first. We meet a couple early on, and we come to the conclusion that the 2 of them are having a baby. The guys name is Tommy, but the girls name is irrelevant, and here’s why. Not even 3 minutes later, we see him going to the elevator to get it ready or whatever, and he even gets inside. But through the window of the elevator (which I didn’t even know existed) he sees his girlfriend getting attacked by what looks like a bunch of 15 year old kids!
He tries to yank the door open but accidentally hits the “down” button and goes down lol. You retard! This really did it for me, cause we’re not even 5 minutes into the movie by this point. We later see her getting rushed to the hospital and honestly, I could really care less. I hate when movies start suspense so quickly in a film, we don’t even know who these characters are at this point. I don’t understand how they expect us to feel bad for her, or Tommy, when something like this happens so early in the film!
So anyway, in the coming scenes we see Tommy trying to deal with her death, while taking care of the baby. During the little scuffle, one of them ended up stabbing her in the belly with a knife. So I thought the baby died in the scuffle but truth is, it’s still alive. Which is kinda cool, but alot of my sympathy for this guy is still thrown out the window. We later see him going through a couple therapy sessions where this woman gets him to walk around a circle like an idiot and repeat these little lines to overcome his fear. It looks stupid as hell, especially given that again, we could care less about him!
In the coming scenes, we see him carrying the baby around in the little stroller. We also get alot of scenes showing his paranoia, and refusal to go certain places cause it reminds him of what happened to his girlfriend. To me he just looks like a wimp! We also get scenes of him walking around his house with the baby, still showing examples of his paranoia. In one scene, he sees a couple kids outside his window in grey hoodies. We never get a good, close-up look at them, but we can tell one of them is looking inside the house. I’ll admit it’s kinda spooky, but let’s get real hear.
Tommy looks like he’s 25, they look like their 15, grow up! Stop being a wimp, go outside and tell them to get off your porch! Later on Tommy meets this black girl, who’s name isn’t credited on imdb. And I don’t wanna keep calling her “the black girl” cause that might sound offensive, so I’ll just call her Sara lol. He hooks up with Sara in the coming scenes and she helps him with the baby, lets him stay by her house, etc. She also tries to get him to be brave and stop acting like a wimp, trying to get him to overcome his fear of going outside. It’s lame as hell cause we’re almost halfway through the film by this point, he should’ve gotten over this fear by now, wimp!
Eventually the kids with the hoods find him and his baby on a bus, and attack him. The bus driver is no help cause he’s an old fossil, so he runs off. They take the baby and run off to this warehouse looking place. Tommy later hooks up with some old fat dude and some little kid who turns out to be blind, and trust me, a team like this isn’t gonna do him much justice. The 3 of them travel to the apartments and try to find his baby. As expected, the fat guy ends up getting eaten by the kid zombies, and Tommy and the little kid (who’s blind remember) rig the building with explosives and it explodes, in all it’s low-budget glory!
I had high expectations for this film, but was sadly let down. Again, the main thing that kills this film is the girlfriend dying so early on and the repeated examples of Tommy being a wimp throughout the movie, like we as the audience forgot about the whole thing. But keep in mind, this review doesn’t reflect how I feel about single parents or anything like that, it’s just a crappy movie lol. My heart goes out to any single parents out there (especially mothers) who are forced to raise their kid on their own. This movie could’ve really brought that subject to the forefront and made it very emotional, but instead all they did was feed us a load of cheesy, lame acted garbage!
Iron Sky (2012)
I saw the trailer for this movie and really wanted to get my hands on it. But as I watched the movie, it was safe to say the trailer was only showing the good parts. Before doing this review, I watched it again to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating, and I stand by how I feel; the trailer showed all the good parts and there isn’t a moment that stands out that gives the impression of a bad film, but boy was I wrong.
The beginning of the movie (mainly the first 5 minutes) is probably the better part of the film. It takes place on the moon, and we see alot of spaceships and things flying around. Another thing that attracted me to this film was how dark it was, cause I like movies with that darkish vibe, and it definitely shows here. About 5 minutes into the film, we meet this black guy named James, who the Nazi’s chase through alot of the film. Alot of the reason is because of his skin color, which I guess is a big theme in this movie.
I never paid attention in school, but alot of the background of this movie is pretty ancient; it deals with Hitler, racism, war, etc. And I’m not gonna dive into either subject cause I fell asleep in those classes, but that makes up alot of what this film is based on. Personally I am not a racist, but I am mixed (My mom’s black, dads white) but I mostly consider myself African American. But it still bugs me cause they use the word “Negro” alot early in the movie.
I’ve never used or said the N word (or any form of the word) in my life, cause I just don’t like saying it. And I think before you say it, you gotta know how to use it appropriately as not to offend anybody. But even if I did know how to use it properly, I still wouldn’t use it lol. So anyway, alot of the beginning go the movie involves Nazi’s chasing this guy around the moon. Another thing that turned me off about this movie is the effects, cause alot of them are kinda low budget, cheap, with alot of lame slow motion shots.
Eventually the Nazi’s catch him and take him hostage. They take his phone from him, which he says works like a computer. And later on, they somehow find out his phone powers up some space ship thing in this big room. I don’t know exactly cause I stopped paying attention by this point. So they come up with a plan to send James to earth to get more phones, and it just sounds goofy at this point. And not only that, before sending him to space, they dress him up as a white man; they (I guess) use makeup to lighten his skin and bleach his hair grey. It’s so cheesy and stupid, and I was pretty disgusted by this point.
So James hooks up with some girl and her husband. And they travel to earth (specifically New York) to look for phones. Alot of the darkish theme is lost by this point, and the film immediately gets boring. Halfway into the film, James looks in the mirror and only now realizes he’s white. I swear I almost passed out when this scene came up, it’s dumb as hell! You wanna laugh but then you wanna go “Who the heck wrote this movie!” Later on he decides to turn himself into a hobo (don’t ask why) and we see him on the street yelling at people.
There’s some other storyline going on with a group of other people, but I’m not gonna get into that cause I stopped paying attention up until this point. And not only that, I hate looking at subtitles, and there’s alot of them here since alot of the characters speak German. So anyway, the Germans unleash an attack on New York and we see people running around and everything. It’s pretty hard to describe this scene, cause the mood up until this point has been killed. But even when the city is getting attacked by spaceships and rockets, it’s good to know the taxi’s are still in business, so James and the girl use that to make their escape.
I’m still trying to keep myself awake for this movie, but it’s so bland and dull. I hate being lured into movies that have great trailers, when the film absolutely sucks. Even with all the scenes of the spaceships in the air shooting rockets or whatever, it just doesn’t feel immersive at all. I forget what happens at the end (probably cause I passed out) but I know the girl takes her shoe and slams it into the Nazi generals forehead. Honestly the movie wasn’t that bad (besides the whole racism thing in the beginning) but my main problem was that I got too excited for this movie, something I need to control.
The beginning of the movie (mainly the first 5 minutes) is probably the better part of the film. It takes place on the moon, and we see alot of spaceships and things flying around. Another thing that attracted me to this film was how dark it was, cause I like movies with that darkish vibe, and it definitely shows here. About 5 minutes into the film, we meet this black guy named James, who the Nazi’s chase through alot of the film. Alot of the reason is because of his skin color, which I guess is a big theme in this movie.
I never paid attention in school, but alot of the background of this movie is pretty ancient; it deals with Hitler, racism, war, etc. And I’m not gonna dive into either subject cause I fell asleep in those classes, but that makes up alot of what this film is based on. Personally I am not a racist, but I am mixed (My mom’s black, dads white) but I mostly consider myself African American. But it still bugs me cause they use the word “Negro” alot early in the movie.
I’ve never used or said the N word (or any form of the word) in my life, cause I just don’t like saying it. And I think before you say it, you gotta know how to use it appropriately as not to offend anybody. But even if I did know how to use it properly, I still wouldn’t use it lol. So anyway, alot of the beginning go the movie involves Nazi’s chasing this guy around the moon. Another thing that turned me off about this movie is the effects, cause alot of them are kinda low budget, cheap, with alot of lame slow motion shots.
Eventually the Nazi’s catch him and take him hostage. They take his phone from him, which he says works like a computer. And later on, they somehow find out his phone powers up some space ship thing in this big room. I don’t know exactly cause I stopped paying attention by this point. So they come up with a plan to send James to earth to get more phones, and it just sounds goofy at this point. And not only that, before sending him to space, they dress him up as a white man; they (I guess) use makeup to lighten his skin and bleach his hair grey. It’s so cheesy and stupid, and I was pretty disgusted by this point.
So James hooks up with some girl and her husband. And they travel to earth (specifically New York) to look for phones. Alot of the darkish theme is lost by this point, and the film immediately gets boring. Halfway into the film, James looks in the mirror and only now realizes he’s white. I swear I almost passed out when this scene came up, it’s dumb as hell! You wanna laugh but then you wanna go “Who the heck wrote this movie!” Later on he decides to turn himself into a hobo (don’t ask why) and we see him on the street yelling at people.
There’s some other storyline going on with a group of other people, but I’m not gonna get into that cause I stopped paying attention up until this point. And not only that, I hate looking at subtitles, and there’s alot of them here since alot of the characters speak German. So anyway, the Germans unleash an attack on New York and we see people running around and everything. It’s pretty hard to describe this scene, cause the mood up until this point has been killed. But even when the city is getting attacked by spaceships and rockets, it’s good to know the taxi’s are still in business, so James and the girl use that to make their escape.
I’m still trying to keep myself awake for this movie, but it’s so bland and dull. I hate being lured into movies that have great trailers, when the film absolutely sucks. Even with all the scenes of the spaceships in the air shooting rockets or whatever, it just doesn’t feel immersive at all. I forget what happens at the end (probably cause I passed out) but I know the girl takes her shoe and slams it into the Nazi generals forehead. Honestly the movie wasn’t that bad (besides the whole racism thing in the beginning) but my main problem was that I got too excited for this movie, something I need to control.
John Carter (2012)
I was never really interested in this movie, but heard alot about it when it was released. The main thing I heard about this movie was that it sucked, and was a box office flop. It wasn’t the biggest disappointment for me, cause these aren’t the kind of movies I normally watch but, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to see what it was about on tv. But it didn’t take long for me to hate this movie, so let’s get this over with before I pass out lol.
The movie centers around a guy named John Carter, who’s some warrior type dude traveling through the city. And so far, that’s all I know cause after awhile I kinda stopped paying attention to the story. It takes place in the middle of this desert location, and I’ll admit these scenes are pretty cool. It looks like they built a city in the middle here, with these cool looking spaceship things flying around. The movie takes place in the 1800’s so in the beginning we see alot of people walking around in suits and ties.
One of them is Carter, obviously. So we see him walking around town a bit here. At one point he goes inside a bar and starts a scuffle with a bunch of guys here. This is Carter’s first action scene, but I’m honestly not impressed. And to be honest, I can’t even remember what he does here, but I think he shoots a couple guys in this scene. Another thing I hate about this scene, is how dull Carter is. His voice is so low, raspy and dull sounding. He doesn’t sound as bad as the guy that plays Batman in the Dark Knight movies, but he’s pretty close.
The guy who plays Carter is the same guy from Battleship, which was a pretty decent film. It could’ve been a whole lot better if the dialogue wasn’t so cheesy and the director backed the hell up when action was taking place on screen, but it wasn’t horrible. So anyway, somewhere in this scene, Carter gets hold of a razor and shaves a bit before somehow hopping on a bunch of horses. It’s kind of the same thing he does in Battleship; shaves a bit before going out on the ships. It’s not the biggest deal in the world, but people like me like to make comparisons like this.
At one point he’s being followed by about 20 guys on horses, and later we see him all by himself. I forget what happened in between, but forgive me, this movie is beginning to put me to sleep by this point. So now he’s alone in the middle of the desert. He stands up, and starts hopping around. Having never seen this movie before, it occurred to me that he somehow gained some type of jumping skill. And I don’t know how, but really who cares. Maybe it was the sun beaming on his neck that gave him the power, who the hell cares.
But it’s funny cause after his first jump, he falls in the sand. And he has this look on his face like “Wait, how’d I do that” But then he does it about 20 more times! You’d think after the first 3 tries he’d realize he’s got some special power but maybe his brain didn’t pick up on that part yet. Needless to say, the scene looks stupid as hell, but it made me laugh! Eventually he runs into an alien up on a hill here, and they talk for a bit. It’s another weird scene, and kinda boring to watch cause Carter still talks in that low dull pitched voice of his.
So anyway, the alien ends up taking him to this colony here in the desert. There’s about 1000 of them here, and we see them all jumping and hopping around at the sight of a human. I will say the animation in this scene is pretty cool but by this point, I’m pretty much nodding off. No amount of CGI can save this film at this point. So the aliens talk to each other for a bit here, and the main one asks Carter to show them the little jump he does. So it’s safe to say he saw Carter out there making a fool of himself, and thought his jumping ability was interesting.
But when Carter decides not to show them, they lock him in a little cellar here with a bunch of alien babies. Later on we meet this woman named Dejah (I’m gonna call her D) and I instantly knew she and Carter would hook up, it’s so obvious. And also given the fact everybody else in this film looks like their in their 40’s lol. She’s locked in this big floating ship way in the air. Somehow she ends up falling off (I can’t remember if she fell or was pushed) but Carter jumps like 500 feet into the air and rescues her! I swear, I literally wanted to cry from laughter at this point, it’s so lame!
In a few early scenes, we get the feeling Carter can leap about 20-30 feet into the air. But 500 is so lame, it’s not even funny! There’s this big gap under the ship and he literally jumps across the entire thing with his feet, like Hulk did in the 2003 film. And after rescuing her from the ship, he jumps off to the floor, 500 feet below lol. Back on land, she and Carter talk for a bit. She’s obviously impressed by his jumping ability, and asks him about it. It seems everybody’s impressed by his ability to jump this far, but I’m not, unless you’re the Hulk!
So the 2 of them and one of the aliens get on a horse and travel across the desert. I still have no clue where their going, or what their mission is. Pretty soon he spots all these aliens up ahead of him. There’s about 1000 of them and they all charge him here and we get this silly looking montage of him swinging like a madman at them. This was the first scene I saw when I caught this film on cable, and it’s lame as hell. Not only does he look silly swinging his arms like an idiot, but the fact that he’s able to take out the 100’s of aliens around him like this is so unrealistic and stupid looking!
Eventually they arrive at another palace, somewhere in the desert here. Every location in this movie looks exactly the same, we could be in France for all I know. There’s some wedding going on now with D, and Carter doesn’t like it and plans to stop it. But he gets captured by aliens somewhere in here. I swear, for someone who (I assume) is supposed to be viewed as some warrior, he sure gets captured alot in this movie. They put him in the middle of this battleground thing and force him to fight these huge, polar bear looking beasts.
A scene like this should’ve been so cool to watch, but by this point in the movie, I just can’t take it. But he ends up killing both of the polar bears in this scene. You should always get this good feeling in your stomach when the good guy defeats enemies like this, but I don’t really care. The movie is so bland by this point, he could’ve died right here and I wouldn’t even give a damn. At the end of the movie, he arrives at some building and interrupts the wedding between D and this other guy, who’s name I do not know. He fights off a few aliens here, alot of boring action sequences. But at the end, takes the ring and asks D to marry him. I swear, you couldn’t have ended this movie any cheesier!
I can’t really say I’m disappointed in this movie, cause these aren’t really the movies I go for. But it was still felt pretty cool to dump all over it. To me, alot of the reason why this movie failed was the dull acting and the fact that I never knew what was going on. And not only is John Carter stiff as a board, you never feel like he’s the star of the movie, and he kinda blends in with everybody else. The movie also goes a tad over the 2 hour mark, and there’s alot of movies this length that should’ve been trimmed alot shorter. You could’ve cut 30 minutes from this movie and still ended up with a crap movie, but there just would’ve been less crap to sit through.
The movie centers around a guy named John Carter, who’s some warrior type dude traveling through the city. And so far, that’s all I know cause after awhile I kinda stopped paying attention to the story. It takes place in the middle of this desert location, and I’ll admit these scenes are pretty cool. It looks like they built a city in the middle here, with these cool looking spaceship things flying around. The movie takes place in the 1800’s so in the beginning we see alot of people walking around in suits and ties.
One of them is Carter, obviously. So we see him walking around town a bit here. At one point he goes inside a bar and starts a scuffle with a bunch of guys here. This is Carter’s first action scene, but I’m honestly not impressed. And to be honest, I can’t even remember what he does here, but I think he shoots a couple guys in this scene. Another thing I hate about this scene, is how dull Carter is. His voice is so low, raspy and dull sounding. He doesn’t sound as bad as the guy that plays Batman in the Dark Knight movies, but he’s pretty close.
The guy who plays Carter is the same guy from Battleship, which was a pretty decent film. It could’ve been a whole lot better if the dialogue wasn’t so cheesy and the director backed the hell up when action was taking place on screen, but it wasn’t horrible. So anyway, somewhere in this scene, Carter gets hold of a razor and shaves a bit before somehow hopping on a bunch of horses. It’s kind of the same thing he does in Battleship; shaves a bit before going out on the ships. It’s not the biggest deal in the world, but people like me like to make comparisons like this.
At one point he’s being followed by about 20 guys on horses, and later we see him all by himself. I forget what happened in between, but forgive me, this movie is beginning to put me to sleep by this point. So now he’s alone in the middle of the desert. He stands up, and starts hopping around. Having never seen this movie before, it occurred to me that he somehow gained some type of jumping skill. And I don’t know how, but really who cares. Maybe it was the sun beaming on his neck that gave him the power, who the hell cares.
But it’s funny cause after his first jump, he falls in the sand. And he has this look on his face like “Wait, how’d I do that” But then he does it about 20 more times! You’d think after the first 3 tries he’d realize he’s got some special power but maybe his brain didn’t pick up on that part yet. Needless to say, the scene looks stupid as hell, but it made me laugh! Eventually he runs into an alien up on a hill here, and they talk for a bit. It’s another weird scene, and kinda boring to watch cause Carter still talks in that low dull pitched voice of his.
So anyway, the alien ends up taking him to this colony here in the desert. There’s about 1000 of them here, and we see them all jumping and hopping around at the sight of a human. I will say the animation in this scene is pretty cool but by this point, I’m pretty much nodding off. No amount of CGI can save this film at this point. So the aliens talk to each other for a bit here, and the main one asks Carter to show them the little jump he does. So it’s safe to say he saw Carter out there making a fool of himself, and thought his jumping ability was interesting.
But when Carter decides not to show them, they lock him in a little cellar here with a bunch of alien babies. Later on we meet this woman named Dejah (I’m gonna call her D) and I instantly knew she and Carter would hook up, it’s so obvious. And also given the fact everybody else in this film looks like their in their 40’s lol. She’s locked in this big floating ship way in the air. Somehow she ends up falling off (I can’t remember if she fell or was pushed) but Carter jumps like 500 feet into the air and rescues her! I swear, I literally wanted to cry from laughter at this point, it’s so lame!
In a few early scenes, we get the feeling Carter can leap about 20-30 feet into the air. But 500 is so lame, it’s not even funny! There’s this big gap under the ship and he literally jumps across the entire thing with his feet, like Hulk did in the 2003 film. And after rescuing her from the ship, he jumps off to the floor, 500 feet below lol. Back on land, she and Carter talk for a bit. She’s obviously impressed by his jumping ability, and asks him about it. It seems everybody’s impressed by his ability to jump this far, but I’m not, unless you’re the Hulk!
So the 2 of them and one of the aliens get on a horse and travel across the desert. I still have no clue where their going, or what their mission is. Pretty soon he spots all these aliens up ahead of him. There’s about 1000 of them and they all charge him here and we get this silly looking montage of him swinging like a madman at them. This was the first scene I saw when I caught this film on cable, and it’s lame as hell. Not only does he look silly swinging his arms like an idiot, but the fact that he’s able to take out the 100’s of aliens around him like this is so unrealistic and stupid looking!
Eventually they arrive at another palace, somewhere in the desert here. Every location in this movie looks exactly the same, we could be in France for all I know. There’s some wedding going on now with D, and Carter doesn’t like it and plans to stop it. But he gets captured by aliens somewhere in here. I swear, for someone who (I assume) is supposed to be viewed as some warrior, he sure gets captured alot in this movie. They put him in the middle of this battleground thing and force him to fight these huge, polar bear looking beasts.
A scene like this should’ve been so cool to watch, but by this point in the movie, I just can’t take it. But he ends up killing both of the polar bears in this scene. You should always get this good feeling in your stomach when the good guy defeats enemies like this, but I don’t really care. The movie is so bland by this point, he could’ve died right here and I wouldn’t even give a damn. At the end of the movie, he arrives at some building and interrupts the wedding between D and this other guy, who’s name I do not know. He fights off a few aliens here, alot of boring action sequences. But at the end, takes the ring and asks D to marry him. I swear, you couldn’t have ended this movie any cheesier!
I can’t really say I’m disappointed in this movie, cause these aren’t really the movies I go for. But it was still felt pretty cool to dump all over it. To me, alot of the reason why this movie failed was the dull acting and the fact that I never knew what was going on. And not only is John Carter stiff as a board, you never feel like he’s the star of the movie, and he kinda blends in with everybody else. The movie also goes a tad over the 2 hour mark, and there’s alot of movies this length that should’ve been trimmed alot shorter. You could’ve cut 30 minutes from this movie and still ended up with a crap movie, but there just would’ve been less crap to sit through.
Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)
I’m not the biggest Resident Evil fan, but I enjoyed the first 3 movies. Apocalypse was definitely my favorite, cause there was alot more story, it actually felt like the movie made a bit of sense, and the fight scene at the end between Alice and that big zombie dude was pretty badass. If you’ve read my review of those 3 Resident Evil movies, then you’ve probably heard me say this before. But I was actually gonna buy this movie, having not seen it so I could do a review of all 5 films. But thankfully I was smart enough to realize that would’ve been not only a bad idea, but a waste of 10 bucks!
Let me also say that Afterlife (the film released before this one) wasn’t any better, by a long shot. I caught that one on cable, and it didn’t take anymore than 5 seconds to see how bad it was. The big thing I hate about both these movies, are the stupid and lame slow-motion fight scenes that they throw in, cause they look so retarded! They should’ve stuck with what they did with Apocalypse, cause I loved the fast-paced fighting scenes. They look so much cooler, and I loved the sound effects they made when she’d hit their flesh with a loud thud!
So anyway, I remember seeing the trailer for this film when it was being released. And judging from the trailer, it didn’t take long for me to hate this movie either, cause it involved more slow-motion BS. Right off the bat, I already hate the credits to this movie lol. They do the usual thing where they state the distributor (in this case, Screen Gems) but they say it like 5 times in the beginning; something like “Presented by Screen Gems… A screen Gems Production… made by screen gems..” Like okay we get it retards, you took part in making a crappy movie, congratulations!
Right away we get this scene in reverse, of Alice just getting done blowing up a ship or something. I’m assuming this happened in the last movie but I can’t say cause my brain doesn’t allow me to watch bad movies from start to finish. But yea, we get this long 5 minute reverse scene of helicopters and explosions and stuff, all being rewound. It seems the director is starting early with the slow-motion BS, great. After this boring intro is over, Alice does her usual intro thing where she fills us in as to what’s going on in the umbrella corporation.
In my review of the 3 other films, I tried my best to pay attention to this lame story but I’ll admit, I still didn’t understand what the heck was going on. And quite frankly, I really don’t care lol. It’s obvious she’s gotta explain the story at the start of each film cause after each new crap sequel, the audience forgets what happened cause the movie was so dull! She also says something like “I’m not gonna start fighting for my life” well good for you, cause I’m fighting just to stay awake, and the movie hasn’t even started yet!
We later see her getting out of bed, and talking with her husband in the kitchen here. Everybody in this scene talks in a low-pitched monotone voice, like they don’t wanna be in the movie. And trust me, I don’t blame em. Not even the daughter in this scene speaks, which again proves my point. I think she’s deaf. And I don’t wanna sound like I’m disrespecting deaf people or anything, but I really don’t care about her either. I guess Paul Andersen felt we’d have more sympathy for these people if her daughter was deaf but sucks for him, it ain’t working. Pretty soon they get attacked by zombies at home and we see them running around the house.
I swear, I wanted to pass out by this point! He’s basically doing the same thing they did in Dawn of the Dead; throwing lame zombies in our face with no story and no reason! Some people might enjoy these scenes, but I don’t especially when there’s no story to back up what the heck is going on! So they run around the house while these zombies try and attack them, you know the drill already. Eventually they end up outside and there’s riots everywhere, again taking a page out of Dawn of the Dead; zombies running around with no story and no reason, other than to collect a paycheck.
Coincidentally, Michelle (she’s in the early movies) pulls up in this scene in a car. Alice and her daughter get in and they drive off! But soon they end up crashing the car on the side of the road here, as if you were surprised. I swear, the guy that wrote this movie couldn’t have been older than 12 years old! Alice and her daughter are fine but Michelle is hanging upside down, probably dead lol. We then get a cut of Alice on the floor, in the middle of this huge white octagon room. She’s covered in that white, paper towel dress that she used to wear in the early movies.
And not to make this sound sexual or anything, but I used to always compare her body to the previous film, to see how she changed or if she was more cut or thicker or whatever. I can tell here that she’s a bit thicker in her legs, but that’s about it, cause she was alot thinner in the earlier films but, no big deal. Later some chick in a little tv screen on the wall begins asking her who she works for, over and over. And when she doesn’t respond, she plays this loud screeching music through these speakers lol. But Alice refuses to tell her who she works for, so she gets screeching music in her ear over and over. You can’t really blame her though, she’s probably embarrassed to tell anybody who she works for!
Eventually she gets that famous black suit of hers, which I remember her wearing in Afterlife. It’s honestly not my favorite, though. My favorite suit from her is the one from Apocalypse; that half-pants-half-shorts outfit, that thing was badass. And the red dress from the first film was pretty badass too, even though that movie sucked! So anyway, she gets her suit and walks around for a bit. She ends up in this room and gets chased by this huge, steel spiked thingy, out into the streets! It reminds me of that scene from Toy Story 2 with Buzz lol.
We’re obviously in New York City here, Times Square to be exact. I’ve never been there, but it’s one of those places you instantly recognize on sight, with all the billboards and everything. She then walks over to some bike rack and grabs a chain, looking like she’s ready to fight! But all of a sudden it begins to rain, and you see all these Asian people walking around with umbrellas. It’s probably one of the most random scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie. I guess that’s why they call it “umbrella corporation” lol. And yea that might be a bad joke but you know what, this is a bad movie, so it works!
Pretty soon she gets attacked by a bunch of random pedestrians here, alot of whom are Asian. They chase her back into the white room and fight here for a bit, with some gun shooting involved. It’s another one of those lame show-motion scenes that I don’t even wanna discuss, so yea. She doesn’t even get hit in this scene, and 90% of the time it looks like the zombies aren’t even attacking her. They just run at her with their arms wide open like they wanna be hugged, it looks retarded as hell!
Eventually she gets inside this room where she meets this Asian chick, who’s name I don’t know cause I don’t feel like looking it up. They talk for a bit here, but all you hear is this lame, mono-tone speaking between the 2 of them. You get the feeling neither of them wanna be in this movie, that’s how silly it sounds. At one point Alice says “I’m not doing anything until I know where I’m at” I’ll tell you where your at, your in a bad film! She then talks to some guy on this computer screen here, who’s name I also do not know. But he sounds like Neo from The Matrix so I’m just gonna call him Neo lol.
But not even 10 seconds later, Neo gets taken over by that little girl from the first film. I forget her name too, so I’m just gonna call her Suzy lol. Suzy pops up and says something but I forget what, but I think she says she’s taking over or something. Somebody should just take this little girl and put her back in school, take her dolls away too, their having a bad influence on her lol. Pretty soon Alice and the Asian chick walk outside, and walk around the city. It’s pretty apocalyptic, cause all the cars are empty and everything, but it’s not as immersive as I would’ve thought cause this movie is as boring as a sack of pencils!
Eventually they run into this huge, 10 foot beast looking dude with a huge axe, and I gotta say, he’s pretty badass! There’s actually 2 of them, and they surround both Alice and the Asian chick. They both fire bullets at them and run off! But yet again, this is another slow-motion BS scene that I don’t wanna talk about. One of the big guys throws the axe towards the camera and it just looks lame as hell. She should’ve fought these guys the way she fought in Apocalypse; just run up on him and gave him a few punches and kicks to the abdomen. Punches and kicks might not look as good as gunshots or explosions, but it sure as hell beats this slow motion crap!
Eventually Alice and the Asian chick are able to somehow blow up a car (that’s literally right next to them, mind you) and it falls on top of both of the beast! It was a lame way to kill both these guys but you know what, it’s a lame movie so whatever. There’s one scene somewhere in here of these guys coming across a bunch of zombie soldiers, and I’ll admit this scene is pretty cool. I love zombie soldiers, they just have a badass look to them! They actually made a zombie-soldier movie a few years before this called Dead Snow, but I highly recommend skipping that one. It’s nothing like the trailer, and it’s more of a low-budget horror-comedy mess of a film!
So anyway, atleast I was awaken from my sleep with a decent scene, good job Paul Anderson! Alice and the Asian chick soon make it back to her home, where it was destroyed by all the zombies. You even see Alice in her little brown shirt and blue jeans in this scene, laid on some table here. When the Alice in the black suit sees her, I forget what she says but she’s obviously a clone. Maybe Milla Jovovich, the woman who plays Alice cloned herself for this movie too. Maybe she cloned herself so her clone could do this role and not her, since she knew how crappy this movie would be, it’s just a thought.
Eventually Michelle and couple other guys show up on the front porch. So it’s obvious Michelle was a clone too, but I really don’t care anymore lol. They threaten Alice and her daughter and soon open fire on them all. Surprisingly the Asian chick does some of the shooting, with her little pistol lol. Her pistol against 5 guys with machine guns, Paul Anderson must’ve been high when he wrote this scene. One of the guys outside even takes out a rocket launcher and shoots it, which breaks off into about 5-6 smaller bullets. While this happens, the Asian chick has the time to shoot a hole in the floor and jump in, oh gimme a break!
I’m beginning to lose my patience with this movie, it’s that darn lame! Later on Alice gets in this car with the men, and they speed down the highway getting chased by zombies. This scene is kinda cool, if you’re still awake by this point in the film. Eventually they get to this huge circular elevator on the floor, and they all get on. And low and behold, the elevator doesn’t work, oh boy. Maybe the budget for this movie didn’t cover elevators, who the hell cares. But soon this huge zombie comes outta nowhere and gobbles up Alice’s daughter, and runs off! I could honestly care less by this point, just eat her already!
When it takes the daughter, it also knocks one guy out the way and even Michelle, who slams hard against the wall. I think she’s dead again but I don’t remember, she’s had too many clones in this movie. So Alice tells the others she wants to go back for her daughter, and one guy in this scene doesn’t want her to. Oh what a hero! But the two of them say the most cheesy line ever in a movie; she says something like “I have to go, she means the world to me, she’s more important than me” and he says “I don’t want you to go, we need you here, I haven’t gotten laid in 10 years” you know, stupid stuff like that.
So anyway, the alien puts her daughter in some little cocoon. Eventually Alice makes it to it’s hiding spot in a matter of seconds, probably used her zombie compass. When she arrives, she does this big leap over the alien and shoots it in the head, and that’s it. We don’t get an epic 5-6 minute fight scene where she rescues her daughter, nope, just one little bullet to the head. So she takes her daughter with her and they walk off. Eventually they end up in this huge room, with about 1000 bodies being duplicated and run through these machines over and over. Visually it’s a cool scene, but story-wise, it really doesn’t matter cause I don’t even know what’s going on!
The one thing I do know, is that Milla Jovovich’s twin took her place in this movie, that’s all I know. Pretty soon we get this huge explosion, and we see all this water rushing over the city and these other buildings. It’s another one of those cool scenes that was scattered on top of a crap movie, so you don’t even care how cool it looks. The water could’ve washed over Paul Anderson’s house for all I care, dumb director! Eventually they end up on some ice platform thing, and they meet Michelle’s 3rd clone and some chick in a purple outfit.
She appears a couple times throughout the film and her acting is so cringeworthy, you kinda gotta see it for yourself. It’s not what she says, it’s how she says it, she just looks awkward! So anyway, we get another lame fight scene. And you guessed it, more lame slow-motion fight sequences and stupid scenes where Alice throws her weapon towards the screen in an attempt to sell this 3D BS to us. I wear glasses so I can’t even enjoy 3D (which is why I wasn’t able to see My Bloody Valentine) but trust me, there’s no amount of 3D that could save this film!
While Alice fights this purple chick, we see Michelle about 20 feet from them fighting these 2 other guys. How the heck are you gonna have 2 guys fighting one girl lol. I constantly ask myself who the heck made this movie, and then I remember, Paul Anderson, what do you expect from this clown! Eventually Alice ends up killing her through, but I forget how, probably cause I wasn’t paying attention. But soon, Alice and Michelle are the only 2 girls left. It seems 2 grown men can’t get the job done, so now Alice has to finish her off.
We the get the idea in this scene that Michelle can’t be killed, cause she’s got some regeneration thing going on in her body. She even has the stupidity to say it out loud like we haven’t already noticed; “Don’t you get it, you can’t kill me, I had a red bull” you know, something lame like that. So instead of shooting her body, Alice shoots the ice below her and she falls in. She somehow knew there were zombies down there, so we see the zombies pulling Michelle down and drowning her. She can’t be shot but she can still drown, I guess. I have no clue, but trust me I didn’t write this movie! At the end of the movie, we get this big shot of helicopters and zombies everywhere and it’s an okay ending, for a crappy movie like this.
And to think the pain would’ve stopped here, no! Usually when they roll the credits, they have the names of the cast roll up first. But no, first we get the names of all the directors and assistant directors, like we’re gonna care about them first! They all just look like attention seeking chimps, cause it’s bad enough they spammed their names at the beginning of this movie over and over! I didn’t think I’d find a movie that was worse than Dawn of the Dead, but this one is definitely a top contender. All they did was throw zombies on the screen with no story, no passion, no characters, and I can’t tolerate movies like that.
Especially given where I’m at in my movie reviewing career, I’ve pretty much seen it all by this point. You can thrown blood and zombies on the screen all you want, but if there’s no story, your film is gonna suck! The only positive this movie has over Dawn of the Dead, is that they tried (key word, tried) to build a story out of this film, but failed miserably with the cheesy dialogue and the overall screwed up plot. Paul Anderson and George A Romero should get together one day and make a movie together, cause they both love to throw zombies on the screen with no story and no characters, and expect us to watch this crap on the big screen.
Just make a movie about mindless zombies running around in circles looking retarded with no real reason and no story, and call the movie Dawn of the Residents (Dawn of the Dead + Resident Evil lol) and see how much that crap makes in theaters. I feel bad for Milla Jovovich actually, cause so far she hasn’t been in alot of good movies. So far I’ve seen her in these lame Resident Evil movies, Ultraviolet (which was lame as hell) and Fifth Element, which was her best! I hate seeing beautiful actresses like her wasting their talent on such crap films like this but hey, we all have bills to pay.
Let me also say that Afterlife (the film released before this one) wasn’t any better, by a long shot. I caught that one on cable, and it didn’t take anymore than 5 seconds to see how bad it was. The big thing I hate about both these movies, are the stupid and lame slow-motion fight scenes that they throw in, cause they look so retarded! They should’ve stuck with what they did with Apocalypse, cause I loved the fast-paced fighting scenes. They look so much cooler, and I loved the sound effects they made when she’d hit their flesh with a loud thud!
So anyway, I remember seeing the trailer for this film when it was being released. And judging from the trailer, it didn’t take long for me to hate this movie either, cause it involved more slow-motion BS. Right off the bat, I already hate the credits to this movie lol. They do the usual thing where they state the distributor (in this case, Screen Gems) but they say it like 5 times in the beginning; something like “Presented by Screen Gems… A screen Gems Production… made by screen gems..” Like okay we get it retards, you took part in making a crappy movie, congratulations!
Right away we get this scene in reverse, of Alice just getting done blowing up a ship or something. I’m assuming this happened in the last movie but I can’t say cause my brain doesn’t allow me to watch bad movies from start to finish. But yea, we get this long 5 minute reverse scene of helicopters and explosions and stuff, all being rewound. It seems the director is starting early with the slow-motion BS, great. After this boring intro is over, Alice does her usual intro thing where she fills us in as to what’s going on in the umbrella corporation.
In my review of the 3 other films, I tried my best to pay attention to this lame story but I’ll admit, I still didn’t understand what the heck was going on. And quite frankly, I really don’t care lol. It’s obvious she’s gotta explain the story at the start of each film cause after each new crap sequel, the audience forgets what happened cause the movie was so dull! She also says something like “I’m not gonna start fighting for my life” well good for you, cause I’m fighting just to stay awake, and the movie hasn’t even started yet!
We later see her getting out of bed, and talking with her husband in the kitchen here. Everybody in this scene talks in a low-pitched monotone voice, like they don’t wanna be in the movie. And trust me, I don’t blame em. Not even the daughter in this scene speaks, which again proves my point. I think she’s deaf. And I don’t wanna sound like I’m disrespecting deaf people or anything, but I really don’t care about her either. I guess Paul Andersen felt we’d have more sympathy for these people if her daughter was deaf but sucks for him, it ain’t working. Pretty soon they get attacked by zombies at home and we see them running around the house.
I swear, I wanted to pass out by this point! He’s basically doing the same thing they did in Dawn of the Dead; throwing lame zombies in our face with no story and no reason! Some people might enjoy these scenes, but I don’t especially when there’s no story to back up what the heck is going on! So they run around the house while these zombies try and attack them, you know the drill already. Eventually they end up outside and there’s riots everywhere, again taking a page out of Dawn of the Dead; zombies running around with no story and no reason, other than to collect a paycheck.
Coincidentally, Michelle (she’s in the early movies) pulls up in this scene in a car. Alice and her daughter get in and they drive off! But soon they end up crashing the car on the side of the road here, as if you were surprised. I swear, the guy that wrote this movie couldn’t have been older than 12 years old! Alice and her daughter are fine but Michelle is hanging upside down, probably dead lol. We then get a cut of Alice on the floor, in the middle of this huge white octagon room. She’s covered in that white, paper towel dress that she used to wear in the early movies.
And not to make this sound sexual or anything, but I used to always compare her body to the previous film, to see how she changed or if she was more cut or thicker or whatever. I can tell here that she’s a bit thicker in her legs, but that’s about it, cause she was alot thinner in the earlier films but, no big deal. Later some chick in a little tv screen on the wall begins asking her who she works for, over and over. And when she doesn’t respond, she plays this loud screeching music through these speakers lol. But Alice refuses to tell her who she works for, so she gets screeching music in her ear over and over. You can’t really blame her though, she’s probably embarrassed to tell anybody who she works for!
Eventually she gets that famous black suit of hers, which I remember her wearing in Afterlife. It’s honestly not my favorite, though. My favorite suit from her is the one from Apocalypse; that half-pants-half-shorts outfit, that thing was badass. And the red dress from the first film was pretty badass too, even though that movie sucked! So anyway, she gets her suit and walks around for a bit. She ends up in this room and gets chased by this huge, steel spiked thingy, out into the streets! It reminds me of that scene from Toy Story 2 with Buzz lol.
We’re obviously in New York City here, Times Square to be exact. I’ve never been there, but it’s one of those places you instantly recognize on sight, with all the billboards and everything. She then walks over to some bike rack and grabs a chain, looking like she’s ready to fight! But all of a sudden it begins to rain, and you see all these Asian people walking around with umbrellas. It’s probably one of the most random scenes I’ve ever seen in a movie. I guess that’s why they call it “umbrella corporation” lol. And yea that might be a bad joke but you know what, this is a bad movie, so it works!
Pretty soon she gets attacked by a bunch of random pedestrians here, alot of whom are Asian. They chase her back into the white room and fight here for a bit, with some gun shooting involved. It’s another one of those lame show-motion scenes that I don’t even wanna discuss, so yea. She doesn’t even get hit in this scene, and 90% of the time it looks like the zombies aren’t even attacking her. They just run at her with their arms wide open like they wanna be hugged, it looks retarded as hell!
Eventually she gets inside this room where she meets this Asian chick, who’s name I don’t know cause I don’t feel like looking it up. They talk for a bit here, but all you hear is this lame, mono-tone speaking between the 2 of them. You get the feeling neither of them wanna be in this movie, that’s how silly it sounds. At one point Alice says “I’m not doing anything until I know where I’m at” I’ll tell you where your at, your in a bad film! She then talks to some guy on this computer screen here, who’s name I also do not know. But he sounds like Neo from The Matrix so I’m just gonna call him Neo lol.
But not even 10 seconds later, Neo gets taken over by that little girl from the first film. I forget her name too, so I’m just gonna call her Suzy lol. Suzy pops up and says something but I forget what, but I think she says she’s taking over or something. Somebody should just take this little girl and put her back in school, take her dolls away too, their having a bad influence on her lol. Pretty soon Alice and the Asian chick walk outside, and walk around the city. It’s pretty apocalyptic, cause all the cars are empty and everything, but it’s not as immersive as I would’ve thought cause this movie is as boring as a sack of pencils!
Eventually they run into this huge, 10 foot beast looking dude with a huge axe, and I gotta say, he’s pretty badass! There’s actually 2 of them, and they surround both Alice and the Asian chick. They both fire bullets at them and run off! But yet again, this is another slow-motion BS scene that I don’t wanna talk about. One of the big guys throws the axe towards the camera and it just looks lame as hell. She should’ve fought these guys the way she fought in Apocalypse; just run up on him and gave him a few punches and kicks to the abdomen. Punches and kicks might not look as good as gunshots or explosions, but it sure as hell beats this slow motion crap!
Eventually Alice and the Asian chick are able to somehow blow up a car (that’s literally right next to them, mind you) and it falls on top of both of the beast! It was a lame way to kill both these guys but you know what, it’s a lame movie so whatever. There’s one scene somewhere in here of these guys coming across a bunch of zombie soldiers, and I’ll admit this scene is pretty cool. I love zombie soldiers, they just have a badass look to them! They actually made a zombie-soldier movie a few years before this called Dead Snow, but I highly recommend skipping that one. It’s nothing like the trailer, and it’s more of a low-budget horror-comedy mess of a film!
So anyway, atleast I was awaken from my sleep with a decent scene, good job Paul Anderson! Alice and the Asian chick soon make it back to her home, where it was destroyed by all the zombies. You even see Alice in her little brown shirt and blue jeans in this scene, laid on some table here. When the Alice in the black suit sees her, I forget what she says but she’s obviously a clone. Maybe Milla Jovovich, the woman who plays Alice cloned herself for this movie too. Maybe she cloned herself so her clone could do this role and not her, since she knew how crappy this movie would be, it’s just a thought.
Eventually Michelle and couple other guys show up on the front porch. So it’s obvious Michelle was a clone too, but I really don’t care anymore lol. They threaten Alice and her daughter and soon open fire on them all. Surprisingly the Asian chick does some of the shooting, with her little pistol lol. Her pistol against 5 guys with machine guns, Paul Anderson must’ve been high when he wrote this scene. One of the guys outside even takes out a rocket launcher and shoots it, which breaks off into about 5-6 smaller bullets. While this happens, the Asian chick has the time to shoot a hole in the floor and jump in, oh gimme a break!
I’m beginning to lose my patience with this movie, it’s that darn lame! Later on Alice gets in this car with the men, and they speed down the highway getting chased by zombies. This scene is kinda cool, if you’re still awake by this point in the film. Eventually they get to this huge circular elevator on the floor, and they all get on. And low and behold, the elevator doesn’t work, oh boy. Maybe the budget for this movie didn’t cover elevators, who the hell cares. But soon this huge zombie comes outta nowhere and gobbles up Alice’s daughter, and runs off! I could honestly care less by this point, just eat her already!
When it takes the daughter, it also knocks one guy out the way and even Michelle, who slams hard against the wall. I think she’s dead again but I don’t remember, she’s had too many clones in this movie. So Alice tells the others she wants to go back for her daughter, and one guy in this scene doesn’t want her to. Oh what a hero! But the two of them say the most cheesy line ever in a movie; she says something like “I have to go, she means the world to me, she’s more important than me” and he says “I don’t want you to go, we need you here, I haven’t gotten laid in 10 years” you know, stupid stuff like that.
So anyway, the alien puts her daughter in some little cocoon. Eventually Alice makes it to it’s hiding spot in a matter of seconds, probably used her zombie compass. When she arrives, she does this big leap over the alien and shoots it in the head, and that’s it. We don’t get an epic 5-6 minute fight scene where she rescues her daughter, nope, just one little bullet to the head. So she takes her daughter with her and they walk off. Eventually they end up in this huge room, with about 1000 bodies being duplicated and run through these machines over and over. Visually it’s a cool scene, but story-wise, it really doesn’t matter cause I don’t even know what’s going on!
The one thing I do know, is that Milla Jovovich’s twin took her place in this movie, that’s all I know. Pretty soon we get this huge explosion, and we see all this water rushing over the city and these other buildings. It’s another one of those cool scenes that was scattered on top of a crap movie, so you don’t even care how cool it looks. The water could’ve washed over Paul Anderson’s house for all I care, dumb director! Eventually they end up on some ice platform thing, and they meet Michelle’s 3rd clone and some chick in a purple outfit.
She appears a couple times throughout the film and her acting is so cringeworthy, you kinda gotta see it for yourself. It’s not what she says, it’s how she says it, she just looks awkward! So anyway, we get another lame fight scene. And you guessed it, more lame slow-motion fight sequences and stupid scenes where Alice throws her weapon towards the screen in an attempt to sell this 3D BS to us. I wear glasses so I can’t even enjoy 3D (which is why I wasn’t able to see My Bloody Valentine) but trust me, there’s no amount of 3D that could save this film!
While Alice fights this purple chick, we see Michelle about 20 feet from them fighting these 2 other guys. How the heck are you gonna have 2 guys fighting one girl lol. I constantly ask myself who the heck made this movie, and then I remember, Paul Anderson, what do you expect from this clown! Eventually Alice ends up killing her through, but I forget how, probably cause I wasn’t paying attention. But soon, Alice and Michelle are the only 2 girls left. It seems 2 grown men can’t get the job done, so now Alice has to finish her off.
We the get the idea in this scene that Michelle can’t be killed, cause she’s got some regeneration thing going on in her body. She even has the stupidity to say it out loud like we haven’t already noticed; “Don’t you get it, you can’t kill me, I had a red bull” you know, something lame like that. So instead of shooting her body, Alice shoots the ice below her and she falls in. She somehow knew there were zombies down there, so we see the zombies pulling Michelle down and drowning her. She can’t be shot but she can still drown, I guess. I have no clue, but trust me I didn’t write this movie! At the end of the movie, we get this big shot of helicopters and zombies everywhere and it’s an okay ending, for a crappy movie like this.
And to think the pain would’ve stopped here, no! Usually when they roll the credits, they have the names of the cast roll up first. But no, first we get the names of all the directors and assistant directors, like we’re gonna care about them first! They all just look like attention seeking chimps, cause it’s bad enough they spammed their names at the beginning of this movie over and over! I didn’t think I’d find a movie that was worse than Dawn of the Dead, but this one is definitely a top contender. All they did was throw zombies on the screen with no story, no passion, no characters, and I can’t tolerate movies like that.
Especially given where I’m at in my movie reviewing career, I’ve pretty much seen it all by this point. You can thrown blood and zombies on the screen all you want, but if there’s no story, your film is gonna suck! The only positive this movie has over Dawn of the Dead, is that they tried (key word, tried) to build a story out of this film, but failed miserably with the cheesy dialogue and the overall screwed up plot. Paul Anderson and George A Romero should get together one day and make a movie together, cause they both love to throw zombies on the screen with no story and no characters, and expect us to watch this crap on the big screen.
Just make a movie about mindless zombies running around in circles looking retarded with no real reason and no story, and call the movie Dawn of the Residents (Dawn of the Dead + Resident Evil lol) and see how much that crap makes in theaters. I feel bad for Milla Jovovich actually, cause so far she hasn’t been in alot of good movies. So far I’ve seen her in these lame Resident Evil movies, Ultraviolet (which was lame as hell) and Fifth Element, which was her best! I hate seeing beautiful actresses like her wasting their talent on such crap films like this but hey, we all have bills to pay.
Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)
I remember seeing the trailer for this movie on tv, and almost being excited about it. Cause I’ll admit, it looked pretty cool and I’ve always had a thing for these games. I remember playing the first one on one of my Playstation demos back when I was a kid. And it scared the piss out of me, and still does today. I’m more familiar with the first one, though I have seen clips here and there of Silent Hill 2 and 3. And I’m not as familiar (nor have I played) the ones for PS3 and 360 but those look pretty cool too. I’m a pretty big horror fan, but these games scare me more than the movies lol.
I also saw the first movie that came out in 2006, and it’s still one of my favorite horror movies to date. It makes absolutely no sense but I love the atmosphere that it had. So anyway, I didn’t even hear they were even making this movie (now I know why) but I kinda just saw the trailer on tv one day. And I’ll admit it looked pretty cool. Not cool enough to see in theaters but decent. They also had this cheesy 3D gimmick attached but I didn’t pay any attention to that, since I wear glasses. People like me can’t even experience 3D for what it really is but regardless, to me it still sounds like a cheap gimmick to get people to watch your movies.
But I also saw a couple clips online of this movie, and from what I saw it didn’t look good at all. The main chick (Heather) was probably one of the dullest actors I’ve ever seen, but I wanted this to be a good movie cause I was such a big fan of the games. But unfortunately that’s not the case, so let’s get this over with lol. At the start of this crap movie Heather has this big dream of all these people and zombies at a circus just dancing around. There’s alot of fire and alot of red, which is all I can remember since I didn’t start writing anything down for this movie yet.
I was actually gonna do one of those reviews that I do for like, Paranormal Activity, where I just poke fun at the movie even though I know it’s bad without putting it into the Bad Reviews section. And I usually watch those movies twice just so I can capture everything, but once I saw how bad the acting in this movie was, I instantly decided it was only worth watching once lol. But eventually Heather wakes up from her dream and her father rushes into her room, telling her everything’s gonna be alright. And it’s right here where you can see how bad the acting is, so yea lol. But 5 seconds into this scene, her father gets stabbed in the chest, and she wakes up again in another bed!
So basically, she had 2 dreams back to back; She had a dream about herself having a dream, inside another dream, what the hell! But you know what, it was creative. It was pointless and funny, but creative. We later see her and her father in the kitchen talking for a bit. He says something in this scene about her name being changed to Heather. And thinking about it now, atleast they tried (key word, tried) to explain this story with some sense. Cause in the last Silent Hill movie, the daughter’s name was Sharon, and now it’s Heather lol. Maybe the people that made this movie didn’t have the rights to use the name cause the people that made the game didn’t trust them lol.
She also mentions to her father in this scene about his grey hair, which kinda comes outta nowhere. If anything though, he’s probably getting grey hair having to put up with her bad acting. We later see the father in his room, looking at old pictures of him and Rose. She even makes a cameo in this scene, appearing in his mirror to talk to him about something pertaining to this baffled story. She’s actually a pretty decent actress, but in this scene she just gives us alot of monotone. She basically dumbed down her acting abilities cause she knew she was in a bad movie lol. When she appears in his mirror, she’s still wearing the same outfit from the last movie, and she kinda still looks the same, so that’s cool.
But yea, I think she says something about Sharon (I mean Heather) So I’m guessing she’s supposed to be playing the girl in the first movie, who actually had black hair and was much cuter and better looking. Later on we see Heather going to school. I’m guessing she’s in high school, and we see her in class here introducing herself to all her classmates. One girl in this scene makes fun of her clothing, saying she must’ve got it from the Goodwill lol. Yea, that joke was pretty funny. But Heather basically introduces herself and says that she and her father move around alot, and there’s no need to be her friend.
She also says she doesn’t use Facebook and there’s no need to get into contact with her. But with an outfit like that, she’d probably scare half the people on that site anyway. We later see her in the hallway, which immediately goes empty in a matter of seconds. Which makes sense, since I’m sure none of the kids at the school wanna be around her (I’m joking) but eventually she gets this vision of her in this dark brown facility. It’s obviously based off one of the levels in the game, but to be honest it’s not even cool looking. I was gonna mention this later, but I’m gonna mention it now in case I forget;
Another thing that bugged me about this movie, is the camera they used. This might be me being a little technical or whatever, but I really hate the camera. The movie was released in 2012, so we’re obviously in the HD era and everything but to be honest, visually the movie isn’t even that sharp. I wouldn’t say it’s fuzzy like a VHS tape or anything, but it’s just very bland and very dry, and it’s not immersive at all. So when they show us these dirty looking environments, they don’t even look cool! Eventually she’s brought back to the present, where she meets another student named Vincent. He tells her he’s lost, but to me it just looks like he’s trying to hit on her.
Which is sad, cause she isn’t really that good looking lol. She later gets chased a little by this other dude in a brown jacket, who I also remember from the trailer. When he finally catches up to her, he tells her that Silent Hill was looking for her or something, I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention. Maybe Silent Hill wants to introduce her to some better acting coaches lol. But I think he gets killed somewhere in here. Eventually Heather ends up on an elevator, where she gets chased around by this sick looking demon lady with a sword! Again, it’s such a bland and boring scene, the way it’s filmed. It’s not suspenseful in the slightest, and just flat out boring!
She later hooks up with Vincent again, and we see them talking for a bit. They later get on a bus and start talking about who knows what. Both of them can’t act to save their lives (no pun intended) so you kinda just listen to every 3rd sentence they say. But eventually Vincent says something about Facebook again and Heather goes “Fuck Facebook” lol. Atleast she said something smart, and I really wanna give her a high-five through the screen. And while I’m doing that I’ll probably smack Vincent in the back of the head for being such a dolt. But eventually they get off the bus and he walks her to her house.
He says he’s interested in her, but it just makes you laugh! Her acting is so poor, and she really isn’t that interesting to listen to. And Vincent kinda comes off like one of those jocks, by the way he dresses. Though so far, you never see him hanging out with any of his jock friends (maybe cause he doesn’t have any) but I’m sure if they saw him with her, he wouldn’t have any, anymore lol. But she walks off towards her house. He even goes “I’ll call you” and she goes “I didn’t even give you my number” lol. But what a dweeb! So we see her in the house for a bit, trying to look for her father and yelling his name and everything. Eventually she gets a knock at the door, and low and behold it’s Vincent again!
He must’ve been waiting outside or something, but it’s so pathetic. And not only that, you kinda get the feeling the people who made this movie couldn’t hire enough extras. Cause so far all we’ve seen is the same 5 people over and over, and everybody seems to pop up at the right time to keep this dreadful story moving. So they gather supplies and get into Vincent’s car. At one point, she takes out this letter and begins to read it. Turns out, it was a letter her father had written before he died (somewhere in here, I can’t remember) but this scene is cheesy as hell lol. I guess he knew he was going to die, great.
But he basically tells her never to go to Silent Hill cause it’s dangerous and all this crap. But I’m ready, cause I’m ready to see what demons we have in this movie. Eventually the 2 of them get a hotel and stay here for a bit. Later that night, she has a dream about this little girl in a purple dress just walking through town throwing wind everywhere lol. I remember this scene from the trailer too, and it’s probably one of the few memorable scenes in the movie. She just waves her hand and a gust of wind just covers people, but it doesn’t look like it kills them (I can’t really remember anyway) But it’s still a cool scene. The one thing that would’ve made this scene better, is if she waved her hand and she was able to blow up buildings with it, cause that would be so badass lol.
But eventually, she wakes up from her dream and talks to Vincent for a bit here. Apparently he didn’t even sleep last night, boo hoo. But they talk and he says that he doesn’t want her to go to Silent Hill. So they argue cause she wants to go and find her father. It’s such a crappy scene cause neither of these teens can’t act, and they just make you cringe the entire time. He also says he’s part of this thing called “The Order” which I guess is supposed to trap somebody (or something, I really can’t remember, forgive me) She says “that’s not possible” but I say anything is possible, when your movie is written by morons like this.
I think I’m gonna mention this later on, but another thing I hated about this scene (besides watching 2 bad actors yell at each other) is the fact that they reveal so much in this scene alone, and it just doesn’t sound right. You kinda gotta see the movie yourself to really understand this, but they literally reveal the entire story in this scene alone; I can’t do an exact quote, but they say stuff like “Your father needed you, and that’s why you’ve gotta go there” and “If you don’t go, everything will be lost and we’ll never find out what it means” or something like that. But for a movie with such a flawed and crap plot, scenes like this do absolutely nothing and leave nothing to the imagination.
And not only that, another reason I hate this scene is cause it comes off like their trying to spell things out for people like us. People who I assume have already seen the first movie. You kinda gotta walk a thin line when it comes to movies like this; don’t act like everybody that saw this movie saw the first one, but don’t act like we’re absolutely clueless as to what’s going on when we’re already an hour into the film. After watching 2 bad actors make complete fools of themselves, the walls around them begin to peel off. It’s just more bland CGI work. It was probably their bad acting that made the walls begin to peel like this.
I don’t remember what happens to Vincent in this scene, but he somehow disappears. Probably walked off set to get a sip of water and ran off the studio to practice his acting abilities. But eventually, Heather gets outside and she starts walking around. She’s now in the snow, much like the first movie and we even see the sign on the left side of the road. So I’m guessing she’s in the same spot Rose was in the first movie, where she crashed her car and her daughter went missing. But it’s easy to tell how less immersive this movie is, when compared to the one that came before it. Like I said, the first one just had so much atmosphere and you really felt like you were in that universe, and the snow looked so cool lol.
But in this movie, the snow looks like invisible dust or something and it’s not immersive at all! You probably couldn’t even build a snowman out of the snow in this movie, it’s that dull. So anyway, she soon runs into this woman who’s just chillin out here in the snow. They talk for a bit out here, and I think they mention her father. Eventually the world around them begins to rip apart again, and it’s another bland but decent scene. It rips through the whole town, and even a parking lot with a couple cars. Now, if it ripped through this lot and threw some cars and they hit a tree or hit a building, it probably would’ve looked cool. But I don’t even think the cars in this scene move at all, so somebody must’ve glued them to the ground or something.
So anyway, eventually Heather gets inside this dark but bland building. She walks around a bit, and I honestly can’t even remember what the heck was in this scene. All I remember is it just being dark and brown. There is a birthday cake in this scene though, which is actually still lit when she comes in the room. Maybe they had a zombie birthday party or something, and I would’ve liked to have been invited to that. But even if it wasn’t my birthday, I probably still would’ve blown out the candles here, just for the hell of it. Eventually she gets to this room with some naked lady on one of the tables here. They don’t show her entire body but we do see her breasts (relax, I’m a guy lol)
The lady here even tries to speak to her, but it looks as though she has a hard time speaking. The cool thing about this scene though, is that it kinda reminds me of the scene in Jeepers Creepers, where Darry finds that dude in the basement in the bag. Cause they kinda find them laying there and neither of them can speak. She later finds this other chick behind her, wrapped in all these cobwebs and she rescues her. Which also reminds me of that scene, when Darry rips the bag open to reveal his stitched up stomach. But it’s safe to say, these idiots didn’t get any inspiration from a true horror movie. Eventually this huge spider pops up, with all these mannequin heads attached to it. But again, it isn’t really that cool looking.
So it chases Heather and this girl around the mannequin room for a bit. The girl she finds in this scene is pretty cute, but we barely see her face! They run for about 30 seconds, but the girl ends up getting taken. It’s just another bland death that we kinda don’t care about. She later talks to this old dude about some necklace. She also asks him about her father being locked up in Silent Hill but he tells her there are “many Silent Hills” lol. So there’s more than one, great. The word “hills” is the part that cracks me up though; Silent Hills lol. I’ll be honest though, I always liked the name Silent Hill. Not even knowing what the game is about, the name itself just has an eerie vibe to it.
So she takes out this key, which has a name but I forget what it’s called cause I wasn’t paying attention. But she tells him she needs the other half of the key, to I guess rescue her father. It doesn’t even look like a key, it looks like a plate. But eventually he takes the key from her and shoves it in his chest, kind of randomly. I don’t even have a joke for that one lol. We later see all these hot nurses, and finally we get to my favorite part! I actually forgot this scene was even in the movie, but I remember seeing this clip on youtube and just seeing how dumb it was. But anyway, they bring Vincent in this scene on a gurney and sit him in the middle.
We (me anyway) immediately get the idea that these chicks respond to sound, but this idiot really wants us (as the audience) to really understand. For the most part, these hot nurses just stand there until they hear noise, which is pretty obvious, especially if you’ve seen the first movie. But it takes this idiot about 5 tries to understand that they respond to sound, so he keeps trying to move and the hot nurses just jiggle a little bit lol. He must not be a fast learner, but to me he’s just a dolt. Eventually, Heather arrives in this scene and she tries to help him out. She unlatches about 3 of his bands until the hot nurses start swinging around. And thinking about it now, it’s such a funny scene!
There’s like 10 nurses in this scene, but the room is so darn small! So their swinging about but Heather and Vincent are able to dodge all their knives and make it out the room safely. I honestly don’t even have the patience to talk about the final scene, I’m practically drained right now lol. But basically, Heather rescues her father from these demons. 2 of these demons end up fighting it out, but it’s not even a cool fight scene. Once it’s over, you won’t even remember what the heck happened. At the end of the movie, we see them leaving Silent Hill and walking outside in the snow, away from the place. But eventually the father stops, and I instantly knew what he was gonna do. I didn’t know what he was gonna say, but I knew what he wanted to do.
He wants to stay behind like an idiot (I knew that part) but he also wants to stay and search for his wife Rose, who he still believes is here in these dungeons. It’s a cute scene, until you realize how crap this movie is and that you really couldn’t care for this guy anyway. I’ve seen Sean Bean in alot of movies (Silent Hill, Don’t Say a Word, The Dark, etc) but he’s always in the background in his movies, and always talking to someone on the phone in his roles. So it just looks like another scene that works for someone like him, to do something dumb and be forgotten about cause his character was so useless anyway.
It kinda reminds me of the scene in Dawn of the Dead actually, where that one idiot decided to stay behind at the end of the movie, when we could clearly see zombies behind him. It’s stupid crap like that, that really ticks me off in horror movies. I don’t care how you get killed or how dumb you are to get yourself killed in a horror movie. But when you purposely stay behind to get kill, I have absolutely no sympathy for you! Rose (Radha Mitchell) is probably off filming another movie that’s actually worth her time anyway, so leave her alone!
This movie was so bad, but you know what, it entertained me. It kinda felt like it was a 2 hour movie, cause it was that boring and I really just wanted to get it over with. There’s also alot of instances in the movie where they show off the 3D gimmick, which does nothing for me. Like they’ll cut off someone’s head and the head will fly towards the screen. I remember Resident Evil did the same thing, which was another crap movie that made no sense. And to me, it kinda comes off as something they threw in as some kind of distraction. Like they knew their movie wasn’t that good but made it 3D to gain more publicity or whatever, but it doesn’t work at all. 3D or not, it’s still the same pile of trash however way you look at it.
I also saw the first movie that came out in 2006, and it’s still one of my favorite horror movies to date. It makes absolutely no sense but I love the atmosphere that it had. So anyway, I didn’t even hear they were even making this movie (now I know why) but I kinda just saw the trailer on tv one day. And I’ll admit it looked pretty cool. Not cool enough to see in theaters but decent. They also had this cheesy 3D gimmick attached but I didn’t pay any attention to that, since I wear glasses. People like me can’t even experience 3D for what it really is but regardless, to me it still sounds like a cheap gimmick to get people to watch your movies.
But I also saw a couple clips online of this movie, and from what I saw it didn’t look good at all. The main chick (Heather) was probably one of the dullest actors I’ve ever seen, but I wanted this to be a good movie cause I was such a big fan of the games. But unfortunately that’s not the case, so let’s get this over with lol. At the start of this crap movie Heather has this big dream of all these people and zombies at a circus just dancing around. There’s alot of fire and alot of red, which is all I can remember since I didn’t start writing anything down for this movie yet.
I was actually gonna do one of those reviews that I do for like, Paranormal Activity, where I just poke fun at the movie even though I know it’s bad without putting it into the Bad Reviews section. And I usually watch those movies twice just so I can capture everything, but once I saw how bad the acting in this movie was, I instantly decided it was only worth watching once lol. But eventually Heather wakes up from her dream and her father rushes into her room, telling her everything’s gonna be alright. And it’s right here where you can see how bad the acting is, so yea lol. But 5 seconds into this scene, her father gets stabbed in the chest, and she wakes up again in another bed!
So basically, she had 2 dreams back to back; She had a dream about herself having a dream, inside another dream, what the hell! But you know what, it was creative. It was pointless and funny, but creative. We later see her and her father in the kitchen talking for a bit. He says something in this scene about her name being changed to Heather. And thinking about it now, atleast they tried (key word, tried) to explain this story with some sense. Cause in the last Silent Hill movie, the daughter’s name was Sharon, and now it’s Heather lol. Maybe the people that made this movie didn’t have the rights to use the name cause the people that made the game didn’t trust them lol.
She also mentions to her father in this scene about his grey hair, which kinda comes outta nowhere. If anything though, he’s probably getting grey hair having to put up with her bad acting. We later see the father in his room, looking at old pictures of him and Rose. She even makes a cameo in this scene, appearing in his mirror to talk to him about something pertaining to this baffled story. She’s actually a pretty decent actress, but in this scene she just gives us alot of monotone. She basically dumbed down her acting abilities cause she knew she was in a bad movie lol. When she appears in his mirror, she’s still wearing the same outfit from the last movie, and she kinda still looks the same, so that’s cool.
But yea, I think she says something about Sharon (I mean Heather) So I’m guessing she’s supposed to be playing the girl in the first movie, who actually had black hair and was much cuter and better looking. Later on we see Heather going to school. I’m guessing she’s in high school, and we see her in class here introducing herself to all her classmates. One girl in this scene makes fun of her clothing, saying she must’ve got it from the Goodwill lol. Yea, that joke was pretty funny. But Heather basically introduces herself and says that she and her father move around alot, and there’s no need to be her friend.
She also says she doesn’t use Facebook and there’s no need to get into contact with her. But with an outfit like that, she’d probably scare half the people on that site anyway. We later see her in the hallway, which immediately goes empty in a matter of seconds. Which makes sense, since I’m sure none of the kids at the school wanna be around her (I’m joking) but eventually she gets this vision of her in this dark brown facility. It’s obviously based off one of the levels in the game, but to be honest it’s not even cool looking. I was gonna mention this later, but I’m gonna mention it now in case I forget;
Another thing that bugged me about this movie, is the camera they used. This might be me being a little technical or whatever, but I really hate the camera. The movie was released in 2012, so we’re obviously in the HD era and everything but to be honest, visually the movie isn’t even that sharp. I wouldn’t say it’s fuzzy like a VHS tape or anything, but it’s just very bland and very dry, and it’s not immersive at all. So when they show us these dirty looking environments, they don’t even look cool! Eventually she’s brought back to the present, where she meets another student named Vincent. He tells her he’s lost, but to me it just looks like he’s trying to hit on her.
Which is sad, cause she isn’t really that good looking lol. She later gets chased a little by this other dude in a brown jacket, who I also remember from the trailer. When he finally catches up to her, he tells her that Silent Hill was looking for her or something, I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention. Maybe Silent Hill wants to introduce her to some better acting coaches lol. But I think he gets killed somewhere in here. Eventually Heather ends up on an elevator, where she gets chased around by this sick looking demon lady with a sword! Again, it’s such a bland and boring scene, the way it’s filmed. It’s not suspenseful in the slightest, and just flat out boring!
She later hooks up with Vincent again, and we see them talking for a bit. They later get on a bus and start talking about who knows what. Both of them can’t act to save their lives (no pun intended) so you kinda just listen to every 3rd sentence they say. But eventually Vincent says something about Facebook again and Heather goes “Fuck Facebook” lol. Atleast she said something smart, and I really wanna give her a high-five through the screen. And while I’m doing that I’ll probably smack Vincent in the back of the head for being such a dolt. But eventually they get off the bus and he walks her to her house.
He says he’s interested in her, but it just makes you laugh! Her acting is so poor, and she really isn’t that interesting to listen to. And Vincent kinda comes off like one of those jocks, by the way he dresses. Though so far, you never see him hanging out with any of his jock friends (maybe cause he doesn’t have any) but I’m sure if they saw him with her, he wouldn’t have any, anymore lol. But she walks off towards her house. He even goes “I’ll call you” and she goes “I didn’t even give you my number” lol. But what a dweeb! So we see her in the house for a bit, trying to look for her father and yelling his name and everything. Eventually she gets a knock at the door, and low and behold it’s Vincent again!
He must’ve been waiting outside or something, but it’s so pathetic. And not only that, you kinda get the feeling the people who made this movie couldn’t hire enough extras. Cause so far all we’ve seen is the same 5 people over and over, and everybody seems to pop up at the right time to keep this dreadful story moving. So they gather supplies and get into Vincent’s car. At one point, she takes out this letter and begins to read it. Turns out, it was a letter her father had written before he died (somewhere in here, I can’t remember) but this scene is cheesy as hell lol. I guess he knew he was going to die, great.
But he basically tells her never to go to Silent Hill cause it’s dangerous and all this crap. But I’m ready, cause I’m ready to see what demons we have in this movie. Eventually the 2 of them get a hotel and stay here for a bit. Later that night, she has a dream about this little girl in a purple dress just walking through town throwing wind everywhere lol. I remember this scene from the trailer too, and it’s probably one of the few memorable scenes in the movie. She just waves her hand and a gust of wind just covers people, but it doesn’t look like it kills them (I can’t really remember anyway) But it’s still a cool scene. The one thing that would’ve made this scene better, is if she waved her hand and she was able to blow up buildings with it, cause that would be so badass lol.
But eventually, she wakes up from her dream and talks to Vincent for a bit here. Apparently he didn’t even sleep last night, boo hoo. But they talk and he says that he doesn’t want her to go to Silent Hill. So they argue cause she wants to go and find her father. It’s such a crappy scene cause neither of these teens can’t act, and they just make you cringe the entire time. He also says he’s part of this thing called “The Order” which I guess is supposed to trap somebody (or something, I really can’t remember, forgive me) She says “that’s not possible” but I say anything is possible, when your movie is written by morons like this.
I think I’m gonna mention this later on, but another thing I hated about this scene (besides watching 2 bad actors yell at each other) is the fact that they reveal so much in this scene alone, and it just doesn’t sound right. You kinda gotta see the movie yourself to really understand this, but they literally reveal the entire story in this scene alone; I can’t do an exact quote, but they say stuff like “Your father needed you, and that’s why you’ve gotta go there” and “If you don’t go, everything will be lost and we’ll never find out what it means” or something like that. But for a movie with such a flawed and crap plot, scenes like this do absolutely nothing and leave nothing to the imagination.
And not only that, another reason I hate this scene is cause it comes off like their trying to spell things out for people like us. People who I assume have already seen the first movie. You kinda gotta walk a thin line when it comes to movies like this; don’t act like everybody that saw this movie saw the first one, but don’t act like we’re absolutely clueless as to what’s going on when we’re already an hour into the film. After watching 2 bad actors make complete fools of themselves, the walls around them begin to peel off. It’s just more bland CGI work. It was probably their bad acting that made the walls begin to peel like this.
I don’t remember what happens to Vincent in this scene, but he somehow disappears. Probably walked off set to get a sip of water and ran off the studio to practice his acting abilities. But eventually, Heather gets outside and she starts walking around. She’s now in the snow, much like the first movie and we even see the sign on the left side of the road. So I’m guessing she’s in the same spot Rose was in the first movie, where she crashed her car and her daughter went missing. But it’s easy to tell how less immersive this movie is, when compared to the one that came before it. Like I said, the first one just had so much atmosphere and you really felt like you were in that universe, and the snow looked so cool lol.
But in this movie, the snow looks like invisible dust or something and it’s not immersive at all! You probably couldn’t even build a snowman out of the snow in this movie, it’s that dull. So anyway, she soon runs into this woman who’s just chillin out here in the snow. They talk for a bit out here, and I think they mention her father. Eventually the world around them begins to rip apart again, and it’s another bland but decent scene. It rips through the whole town, and even a parking lot with a couple cars. Now, if it ripped through this lot and threw some cars and they hit a tree or hit a building, it probably would’ve looked cool. But I don’t even think the cars in this scene move at all, so somebody must’ve glued them to the ground or something.
So anyway, eventually Heather gets inside this dark but bland building. She walks around a bit, and I honestly can’t even remember what the heck was in this scene. All I remember is it just being dark and brown. There is a birthday cake in this scene though, which is actually still lit when she comes in the room. Maybe they had a zombie birthday party or something, and I would’ve liked to have been invited to that. But even if it wasn’t my birthday, I probably still would’ve blown out the candles here, just for the hell of it. Eventually she gets to this room with some naked lady on one of the tables here. They don’t show her entire body but we do see her breasts (relax, I’m a guy lol)
The lady here even tries to speak to her, but it looks as though she has a hard time speaking. The cool thing about this scene though, is that it kinda reminds me of the scene in Jeepers Creepers, where Darry finds that dude in the basement in the bag. Cause they kinda find them laying there and neither of them can speak. She later finds this other chick behind her, wrapped in all these cobwebs and she rescues her. Which also reminds me of that scene, when Darry rips the bag open to reveal his stitched up stomach. But it’s safe to say, these idiots didn’t get any inspiration from a true horror movie. Eventually this huge spider pops up, with all these mannequin heads attached to it. But again, it isn’t really that cool looking.
So it chases Heather and this girl around the mannequin room for a bit. The girl she finds in this scene is pretty cute, but we barely see her face! They run for about 30 seconds, but the girl ends up getting taken. It’s just another bland death that we kinda don’t care about. She later talks to this old dude about some necklace. She also asks him about her father being locked up in Silent Hill but he tells her there are “many Silent Hills” lol. So there’s more than one, great. The word “hills” is the part that cracks me up though; Silent Hills lol. I’ll be honest though, I always liked the name Silent Hill. Not even knowing what the game is about, the name itself just has an eerie vibe to it.
So she takes out this key, which has a name but I forget what it’s called cause I wasn’t paying attention. But she tells him she needs the other half of the key, to I guess rescue her father. It doesn’t even look like a key, it looks like a plate. But eventually he takes the key from her and shoves it in his chest, kind of randomly. I don’t even have a joke for that one lol. We later see all these hot nurses, and finally we get to my favorite part! I actually forgot this scene was even in the movie, but I remember seeing this clip on youtube and just seeing how dumb it was. But anyway, they bring Vincent in this scene on a gurney and sit him in the middle.
We (me anyway) immediately get the idea that these chicks respond to sound, but this idiot really wants us (as the audience) to really understand. For the most part, these hot nurses just stand there until they hear noise, which is pretty obvious, especially if you’ve seen the first movie. But it takes this idiot about 5 tries to understand that they respond to sound, so he keeps trying to move and the hot nurses just jiggle a little bit lol. He must not be a fast learner, but to me he’s just a dolt. Eventually, Heather arrives in this scene and she tries to help him out. She unlatches about 3 of his bands until the hot nurses start swinging around. And thinking about it now, it’s such a funny scene!
There’s like 10 nurses in this scene, but the room is so darn small! So their swinging about but Heather and Vincent are able to dodge all their knives and make it out the room safely. I honestly don’t even have the patience to talk about the final scene, I’m practically drained right now lol. But basically, Heather rescues her father from these demons. 2 of these demons end up fighting it out, but it’s not even a cool fight scene. Once it’s over, you won’t even remember what the heck happened. At the end of the movie, we see them leaving Silent Hill and walking outside in the snow, away from the place. But eventually the father stops, and I instantly knew what he was gonna do. I didn’t know what he was gonna say, but I knew what he wanted to do.
He wants to stay behind like an idiot (I knew that part) but he also wants to stay and search for his wife Rose, who he still believes is here in these dungeons. It’s a cute scene, until you realize how crap this movie is and that you really couldn’t care for this guy anyway. I’ve seen Sean Bean in alot of movies (Silent Hill, Don’t Say a Word, The Dark, etc) but he’s always in the background in his movies, and always talking to someone on the phone in his roles. So it just looks like another scene that works for someone like him, to do something dumb and be forgotten about cause his character was so useless anyway.
It kinda reminds me of the scene in Dawn of the Dead actually, where that one idiot decided to stay behind at the end of the movie, when we could clearly see zombies behind him. It’s stupid crap like that, that really ticks me off in horror movies. I don’t care how you get killed or how dumb you are to get yourself killed in a horror movie. But when you purposely stay behind to get kill, I have absolutely no sympathy for you! Rose (Radha Mitchell) is probably off filming another movie that’s actually worth her time anyway, so leave her alone!
This movie was so bad, but you know what, it entertained me. It kinda felt like it was a 2 hour movie, cause it was that boring and I really just wanted to get it over with. There’s also alot of instances in the movie where they show off the 3D gimmick, which does nothing for me. Like they’ll cut off someone’s head and the head will fly towards the screen. I remember Resident Evil did the same thing, which was another crap movie that made no sense. And to me, it kinda comes off as something they threw in as some kind of distraction. Like they knew their movie wasn’t that good but made it 3D to gain more publicity or whatever, but it doesn’t work at all. 3D or not, it’s still the same pile of trash however way you look at it.
The Devil Inside (2012)
I remember seeing the trailer for this film when it was first coming to theaters, but that’s about it. I didn’t even know what the movie was about, or even that it was filmed in this very documentary-styled way. I’m coming to the conclusion now, that most of these types of films shouldn’t be made anymore. Ever since I saw Blair Witch Project, I wanted more films like that cause the characters were so relatable and humorous. But I’ve seen about 5 other films now in this style, and they just don’t stand out.
But anyway, alot of this film has to do with this girl named Isabella who’s searching for her crazy mother, who’s locked up in an insane asylum. Basically, we get a bunch of scenes of the mother flipping out and throwin people across the room. I’ll admit, alot of this movie is predictable, and kinda dull. There’s also this dude that follows her around in a camera, to document her experience with the spirits that the mother possesses. I’m guessing this is due to some type of licensing agreement, but they use these cheap laptops to edit the footage they shoot. Kinda makes you feel like we’re in the 90’s.
Alot of this movie also reminds me of an episode of CSI, and I’m not really a tv shows kinda guy. The main reason is cause with shows like that, although their interesting, it seems you gotta wait like 5 episodes before you figure out what the heck is going on. And I don’t have the patience for that. The Wonder Years is probably the only drama-type show that I watch, but atleast those shows are shorter and the goal in each episode is solved at the end. At the end of the film, Isabella goes crazy at the hospital while the nurses and everybody try and calm her down. And it’s funny how the 2 guys she’s with, have the nerve to put her back in the car with em. Where she soon attacks both of them and causes a huge car crash, killing all 3 of em in the process. Please Hollywood, no more documentary-style films, unless the characters and story are worth it.
But anyway, alot of this film has to do with this girl named Isabella who’s searching for her crazy mother, who’s locked up in an insane asylum. Basically, we get a bunch of scenes of the mother flipping out and throwin people across the room. I’ll admit, alot of this movie is predictable, and kinda dull. There’s also this dude that follows her around in a camera, to document her experience with the spirits that the mother possesses. I’m guessing this is due to some type of licensing agreement, but they use these cheap laptops to edit the footage they shoot. Kinda makes you feel like we’re in the 90’s.
Alot of this movie also reminds me of an episode of CSI, and I’m not really a tv shows kinda guy. The main reason is cause with shows like that, although their interesting, it seems you gotta wait like 5 episodes before you figure out what the heck is going on. And I don’t have the patience for that. The Wonder Years is probably the only drama-type show that I watch, but atleast those shows are shorter and the goal in each episode is solved at the end. At the end of the film, Isabella goes crazy at the hospital while the nurses and everybody try and calm her down. And it’s funny how the 2 guys she’s with, have the nerve to put her back in the car with em. Where she soon attacks both of them and causes a huge car crash, killing all 3 of em in the process. Please Hollywood, no more documentary-style films, unless the characters and story are worth it.